“Scream” recap (2.6): Let’s Give the Boy a Hand

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This week–which I guess is just the day after last week, and this whole season so far has been about six days? They’ve been absurdly eventful days; I need a nap just thinking about it–the Lakewood However Many Are Still Alive are still reeling from the discovery of Jyle’s body and the uproar that followed. Brooke contemplates giving herself a haircut, then uses the scissors to stab her duvet instead. Audrey takes out her aggression on a punching bag. And Noah updates his Big Web o’ Murder to reflect his newfound suspicion of Audrey.

scream 6.1Prime suspect in the case of “Who has the gayest hair?”

Emma gets a call from the killer, who tells her that he’s in her head. Kieran drops by to apologize for ratting her out to the sheriff, and to ask if she’ll please, please give him back his favorite blow dryer, because he just can’t get his hair right without it. Emma can’t stay mad at him, and she tells him about her face time with Ghostface. Kieran’s like “Why didn’t you mention this to any of the people who have already decided you’re delusional and can’t be trusted?… oh, wait, I think I get it now.”

In search of answers, Emma goes to see everyone’s favorite conspiracy theorist. Noah has spent his whole life wishing a hot girl would ask to look at his murder board, but now that the moment is here, he’s freaking out. Emma demands to know why he’s got Audrey listed as “prime suspect,” but he can’t bring himself to tell her what he saw in Audrey’s phone. Emma dismisses his hunch, saying that making them doubt each other is part of the killer’s plan.

Brooke calls Emma over to help clean up the feathery carnage of her bedroom. She’s convinced Branson is the new killer, but Emma’s not so sure.

scream 6.2Frankly, eviscerating Jaron would be uncharacteristically UN-creepy for that dude.

Emma says that Branson being the killer doesn’t make sense, and Brooke rightly scorns the idea that anything that happens on this show needs to make sense. We’re here for the gore and the femslash, not the intricate plotting. As Emma leaves, Brooke overhears the sheriff talking with her dad, saying they haven’t found anything incriminating on Branson.

Back in his car, Sheriff Gustavo’s Dad scrolls through Jophie’s phone, which he lied to Mayor Brooke’s Dad about not being able to unlock. There’s a series of vaguely threatening texts from Mayor Brooke’s Dad, whom Jerbin dicked around in some way or other; it’s supposed to be mysterious and ominous, but since it involves Jincent, I’m sure it will turn out to be boring.

Despite all his time spent obsessing about crime and everything that goes along with it, Noah is the worst at coming up with a cover story. So when Audrey spots him following her he pretty much just yells random words until she’s so confused and disoriented he can slip her phone back into her bag without her noticing.

scream 6.3Listen, your “definitive” ranking of the “Nightmare on Elm Street” movies changes every two weeks, so how can you expect anyone to take it seriously?

Noah has a new plan. Since Eddie the Hapless Motel Clerk saw Piper with someone presumed to be her accomplice, he’s just going to show him a picture of Audrey and ask if it was her. I see no flaws in this scenario except for one tiny one where Eddie is dead. Whoever has his phone responds to Noah’s text with a request to meet in person to talk.

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