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“Orange is the New Black” recap (4.5): Corrections and Cons

Overcrowding is starting to effect the inmates of Litchfield in an awfully intimate way. The prison has run out of maxi-pads, and commissary tampons are unaffordable, especially for all the new inmates with no jobs. This episode comes on the heels of New York’s groundbreaking new law that requires free menstrual products for schools, shelters, and correctional facilities, a no-brainer of an idea that republicans will surely bitch about for years to come. Sure enough, a fight breaks out in line.

LOLOLOL Let’s profit off people’s pain!

Caputo and Linda are in Baltimore for CorrectiCon, a large scale convention catering to the prison industrial complex. There are mini-jail cells for candy, off-brand Diva cups, and a “prison-themed” ice cream vendor. The message is abundantly clear: prisons are corporations. Taystee calls Caputo with questions, but he tells her to hold down the fort in his absence. She hangs up, and goes back to her copy of US Weekly, where she sees a photo of Judy King taken at the prison.

While Caputo is away, Piscatella is running Litchfield, where he has to contend with angry inmates and graffiti of boobs. Piper desperately scrambles to maintain control over the panty trade, but Hapakuka tells her she’s going down a dangerous path.

Speaking of dangerous, Marita drives a group of guards back to their cabins after the night shift, and has to deal with their gross comments. She sasses them back, and Coates is impressed with her moxie. Maritza can hold her own. Which leads to our first FLASHBACK: finally, a Maritza episode!

If only I had some Benjamins to dry my tears!

We’re at a trendy night club where Maritza is working as a bottle service girl with a pretty sweet con. She gets the bartender to fill a vodka bottle with tap water, and then she breaks it in front of a group of Wall Street douchebags and pretends to cry. Invariably, the bros take pity on her and give her the $300 for the bottle, which she pockets. Later, she is approached by a guy named Tavi, who tells her that she’ll make more money if she leads with her sexuality instead of playing the pity card. He offers her a larger con with more money at stake.

If Drakkar Noir were a person, it would be this dummy

Back at Litchfield, Suzanne and Morello are cleaning the bathrooms and Morello is telling Suzanne about her phone sex adventures with Vinny. Suzanne, still a virgin, is curious about sex and wonders if she made a mistake by blowing off Maureen. They discover that someone has shit in the shower, and start an investigation to find the notorious Shower Pooper. Never has the phrase “No shit, Sherlock” been more appropriate.

At CorrectiCon, Caputo and Linda are having a blast: watching prison uniform fashion shows, flying drones, and zapping some guy with a non-lethal laser gun. Caputo sees lots of products that Litchfield desperately needs, but Linda tells him that MCC will never spring for it. They meet Kip Carnigan, the BMOC of the Con, who delivers the keynote speech. In his speech, he says that the key to keeping inmates happy is to keep them busy. Whether it’s jobs, work, or training, the inmates do better when they are allowed the opportunity to accomplish something. Linda is so excited she practically creams her pantsuit.

Taystee cracks Caputo’s password (sideboobrulz) and goes online, where she immediately does what we all do with the internet: google her friends and watch cute hamster videos. Once she tires of that, she looks into the celebrity photo business and realizes she can make some dough from selling pics of Judy King.

That kitten’s wearing a George Washington wig!!

Maria’s panty gang is up and running, but they need to figure out a way to smuggle the panties out of the prison. Maritza offers up her van, and they make plans to sneak the panties out so that Maria’s cousin Alonso can sell them. FLASHBACK: Tavi and Maritza are parked outside of a fancy car dealership, ready for Maritza’s first big con: she’ll seduce a customer, use his I.D. to get the car keys, and take him for a test drive. Once she drops him off, she speeds away, stealing the car. Maritza is giddy, excited, and confident about the situation.

In an effort to shut down Maria’s operation, Piper rats her out to Piscatella. She tries flirting with him, but he quickly reveals that he is gay and in no mood for her games. She tells him that she feels unsafe in Litchfield, and intimates that the Latinas are to blame. Piscatella assumes that they are starting a prison gang, and institutes a stop and frisk for all Latinx inmates. The inmates get groped by the creepy guards, and Gloria gets taken away for a strip search by a female guard. Piper’s complaint has kick-started a wave of racial profiling that will affect the majority of inmates. Ugh.

Morello and Suzanne continue to track down the Shower Pooper, but they just end up interrupting people’s showers, including Maureen. Morello thinks Maureen might be revenge pooping, but Suzanne thinks it’s the work of a Poop-xabitionist (which is my new favorite word).

This is the shittiest Rizzoli and Isles roleplay I’ve ever seen

Caputo watches as Linda takes part in a CorrectiCon seminar, when the panel is interrupted by Danny, who heckles her about MCC’s treatment of inmates (Sophia in particular) and causes a scene. Looks like someone stopped drinking his dad’s kool-aid. When security tries to remove Danny, Caputo goes to defend him, and accidently starts a fight. Both men get kicked out of the seminar.

Tovah sells tampons to a desperate Alison, who is pissed at her for charging interest. Alison goes to the bathroom, where we see her take a cell phone out of her hijab and text with her daughter. I wonder if that phone has a camera.

Piscatella tells Piper that her intel on the Latinxs was good, and tells her to assemble a task force of snitches to root out other gangs. Piper sets about recruiting “community carers” who want to fix the problem elements of Litchfield. I’m sure this will end well.

Hey girl hey: do you ever wonder why there isn’t a White History month?

Flaca and Maritza try to sneak the panties into the van, but the guard is watching them. Maritza flirts with the guard, requesting a frisky frisking, which distracts him long enough for Flaca to stash the panties in the wheel well. We FLASHBACK to her at the Maserati dealership, using the same tricks to seduce a guy into taking her for a test drive. All it takes is a pretty girl with a knowledge of cars, and the guys are unable to resist. Unfortunately, just when they are about to drive off, the dealership employee hops in the backseat. Now, Maritza is forced to think fast: she must convince the rich guy that she works for Maserati while simultaneously pretending to be a trophy wife to fool the employee.

Back at the cabins, she manages to convince McCollough, the female guard, to loan her a tampon. When she leaves, Maritza is able to pass the panties to Alonso. The guards see Alonso and are about to bust him, but Maritza quickly assures them that he’s the prison’s gardener. Unfortunately, it’s not that easy for her to get out of the Maserati situation. She pretends to be sick and makes them pull over the car, then runs out and pretends to puke. As the guys check on her, she quickly runs around the car, hops into the driver’s seat, and speeds off.

Poussey and Soso are cuddling in the library reading to each other when they see Aleida studying for the GED. Aleida struggles with the math, and Soso offers to help her. The racial stereotyping isn’t lost on anyone, but Soso asserts that she may be good at math, but she hates Hello Kitty and boba tea. Poussey watches her girl, impressed by Soso’s enthusiasm for trigonometry. These two are too cute to function.

Psssst…are you done with “A Dance with Dragons” yet?

Caputo and Danny are being held by security, and Danny asks him if he’s banging Linda. Caputo assures him he isn’t and Danny calls her Satan. Linda walks in, dismisses Danny, and gets all up on Caputo. She was turned on by his chivalry, and together they make (gross) use of the novelty handcuffs.

Piper kicks off her Community Carers meeting, where she invites the ladies to help her get rid of the scourge sweeping Litchfield. Everyone agrees with her: the scourge is the Latinx inmates. Piper looks around the room and realizes something: everyone is white. She’s leading a white power meeting. Before she can stop it, the inmates are chanting “white lives matter” and episode cuts to “Tomorrow Belongs to Me” aka the Nazi song from Cabaret. Good job, Piper…you’ve just founded Litchfield’s Aryan nation.

I guess Piper did Nazi this coming ZING!

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