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“The Fosters” recap (4.1): “It’s the guns, stupid”

Previously on The Fosters, Jude told Taylor that maybe he’s not all that gay after all and kissed her square on her lips. Jesus reconnected with his Pops, only to get his dad arrested on account of being in the presence of minors while also being a sex offender. Callie found out that Shady Justina is, indeed, shady and blew up her own future to expose Justina’s responsibility for Jack’s death. Callie immediately paid the price when Justina was like, “Oh man, it’s too bad foster care poster girl Callie boned her brother! TTFN!” The moms were like, “LOL, of course that wasn’t all happening under our very noses,” but Callie assured them that she did, in fact, have sex with Brandon. But, you know, just the once. Stef beat cancer, got a hot haircut and beat the lesbian death curse. Mariana starred in the musical, dated Nick, kissed Mat, only to be discovered by Nick, who is looking hella unhinged as we begin tonight’s episode.

There are a lot of things in this world that scare me and entitled white boy with a gun is at the top of that list. I am going to start out by saying that I don’t love school shooting episodes. I never watched the Glee school shooting episode. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Not with Sandy Hook so fresh; not even now. So, to be honest, if I wasn’t recapping this show I would have skipped this episode. I just want to be upfront about that. Because this stupid horrible world we live in where guns are everywhere and forty-nine beautiful souls can be gone in a night and dozens of children can be wiped out in an afternoon for the crime of going to school I cannot bear to bring more pain and more fear into my life.

But I do recap this show and I have since the first episode. So here I am watching and writing about it for you while my heart aches for Orlando and I try not to think of any of this when I drop my daughter off at school.

Nick is sitting in his car looking like he ran 10 miles and then went on a bender with Wynnona Earp and then decided not to sleep for three days and is now at Anchor Beach ready to do his best zombie impersonation. He is truly the embodiment of “if you see something, say something” because holy smokes does he reek of danger (and probably gasoline, smoke, booze, and the stench of teenage boy). In case that wasn’t enough, he reaches into his glove compartment and drops the gun he’s keeping in there into his backpack.

Callie is sitting in Lena’s office explaining just why she and Brandon made such a monumentally stupid decision. She is like, “I’m 16 and have a known penchant for destroying anything good in my life, usually at the hands of your idiot son.” Stef is ready to read her the riot act and is vibrating around the room at the kind of frequency that sends stray animals running for the hills. Lena tells Stef to chill the eff out because yelling isn’t going to fix any of this nonsense. Stef practically pouts because man, does she want to yell at someone (but never Brandon because he’s the golden boy).

They are discussing types of potential energy when Nick walks in to demonstrate the potential energy of an entitled white by with hurt feelings. That potential becomes actual when he’s handed a gun through the clusterfuck of our Second Amendment and utter lack of meaningful restriction on gun ownership.

Daria has some questions about Jude’s sexuality so of course she asks Taylor about it. What does it mean that Jude kissed Taylor? What about Connor? Can we process this for the next three days? Taylor doesn’t know Jude’s birthday let alone where he falls on the Kinsey scale. She sings a little of Salt ‘N Pepa‘s “None of Your Business” while titrating.

In spite of her flannel, attitude, set of her jaw, and general awesomeness, Emma is not a lesbian (there’s always fanfic). She would like to have some sex, and she has chosen Jesus to help her scratch that particular itch. That’s not the twin I would have gone with, General Washington, but who am I to quibble? Good luck at Monmouth.

Jesus finds Nick and asks if he’s okay because he looks like he crawled out of the sewer. Nick’s fine he just wants Jesus to know that he’s a super good friend—the best of friends the best of men. It’s weird, but Jesus shrugs it off in his rush to have sex with the fair Emma.

Mariana texts Nick and asks to meet in their spot so she can talk to him about that time she kissed Mat. This whole episode is an excruciating exercise in screaming at characters not to do things, not to go places, because we can see the danger. Mariana, you in danger, girl!

Mike breaks up the talk between Callie and the moms which is for the best, really, since Stef’s head is about to explode. Mike’s looking for Nick. Seems the cops found the burned-out warehouse and they want to talk to the lad about whether he’s an arsonist.

Mariana is waiting for Nick in a courtyard. He appears with his gun tucked in the back of his pants. She can explain all about that kiss with Mat. It wasn’t what he thought. He circles her with unhinged menace radiating off of him like a homicidal Pig Pen. It’s really creepy and thank goodness a security guard opens the door and tells the two of them to get their butts inside.

Mike is with Lena in Monte’s office explaining that Nick maybe burned down his Daddy’s warehouse and they would like to speak to him. White male privilege at its finest. Monte makes a quick call and determines Nick’s not in school. This is news to Nick’s dad who is sitting outside Monte’s office wondering what incompetent idiots are running the school. He saw his son’s car in the parking lot, people, he knows Nick’s here.

Mariana pops into Lena’s office and finds Stef and Callie in an uncomfortable “you screwed your brother” silence. She wants to tell Lena that Nick seems “off.” Stef takes Mariana to find Lena and Callie takes the alone time as an opportunity to check out what everyone is saying about her on Fost ‘N Found. It’s not good.

Nick’s dad meets Mariana and starts assailing her about how everything in Nick’s life is her fault. Yeah, okay buddy. Go back to your “my son’s perfect” group chaired by Brock Turner’s dad. Once it becomes clear that this kid might be dangerous they go looking for his car but it’s not in the parking spot.

They want to know if Nick might hurt himself. His dad scoffs at the notion and is indignant when they ask if he has any guns. Of course he does. This is America and anyone can get one. It’s safely in his trunk, of course. Only when they check it’s not actually in his trunk at all.

Nick’s car comes zipping toward them and Stef and Mike draw their guns. The driver gets out and it’s not Nick, it’s Jesus who slipped out for a little sexy time with Emma. Nothing like running into both your moms after sneaking off campus for a quickie. When Stef realizes that Nick was on campus and has a gun, she calls for the school to be locked down.

Inside, Callie finds Brandon and tells him that the moms know that they had sex. My kingdom for this storyline to die. Before they can process everything they get swept into a classroom for the lockdown. Stef patrols the halls, herding kids into classrooms, and telling Jude she loves him. Any other show and she’d be dead in five minutes.

Brandon, ever the annoying twit, says the lockdown was super convenient because otherwise the moms would have killed him. Callie calls him out for his terrible humor, and then they realize they are in a class of tiny humans with a substitute teacher who is as useful as a mansplainer in the comments section. Brandon and Callie start taking change—moving table and chairs, pulling the shades down—while the teacher melts into a puddle.

Mariana’s awesome day continues when she drops her phone in the toilet, fishes it out, and then finds that no one will let her into any of the classrooms. It’s lockdown protocol, but it’s super harsh.

Honey, this is hardly the time to talk about our sex life.

A gaggle of parents has shown up on the front lawn, and Stef is battling with them to go back away from the danger zone. She tells them that she has 47 children in the school and is doing everything she can.

Useless teacher continues to be useless so Callie has to comfort a student and Brandon sends the attendance report to the office. Until that happens no one knows if Callie and Brandon have been accounted for, so Lena is freaking out. Emma is a nervous giggler. She starts laughing and Jesus does his best to calm her down. When he thinks about it, Nick was acting really weird that morning and talking like he was going away for a long time. Or like a guy who stole his daddy’s gun and was ready to make the world pay.

I can’t believe I chose Jesus over Mariana!

Jude, Taylor, and Daria are sitting together. Jude sends Connor a text before Daria yells at him to put the phone away. Taylor is drawing a cross on her hand over and over as a self-soothing technique. She draws one on Jude’s hand because it might help. Daria sulks because everything was easier to understand when people fit into neat boxes.

Once the office learns that no one has Mariana, Lena grabs a walkie-talkie and tries to run Mike over to get out to find her daughter. Molly Weasley would be proud-you don’t mess with Lena’s babies. But Mike prevails, and Lena waits.

Not my daughter you bitch!

Back in the classroom, the substitute is like “this is bullshit, I don’t make enough money to get shot.” Callie and Brandon tell him to shut up and then rush to take care of a girl who is diabetic and needs sugar immediately. There’s a juice box in an emergency kit, and they get it to her before it turns all “Shelby drink your juice” up in here.

Stef sends in the SWAT team, and she and Lena engage in a little sexy banter over the walkies. Not the time, ladies. SWAT busts down the barricade to Jude’s classroom and escorts them out of the building. It’s messed up to see kids walking through the halls with their hands on their heads surrounded by armed guards in a school. America, what the fuck?

Lena, Jesus, and Emma’s group come outside with the SWAT team, and there’s still no sign of Mariana. She’s hiding in the bathroom, and the camera pans in such a way that we don’t know if it’s Nick who is about to find her or not. A gun shot sounds. Stef sprints into the building with Lena screaming behind her to stay put. But it’s not Nick; it’s the dumbass substitute who thought it would be a bright idea to carry a gun to school. So much for the idea of the “good guy with a gun saving the day.”

YOU ARE A LESBIAN ON TELEVISION! RUN AWAY FROM THE GUN SHOTS!

Mariana is okay and Stef walks her outside to see her family. Jesus and Lena and then everyone, including Mat, comes running to hug her.

Jesus and Emma talk out their feelings on the big yellow school bus of processing, Stef and Lena are told to go home. Nick isn’t anywhere in the school. That’s because the fucker in lurking in the Adams Foster house. Stef sweeps the place before they go in but doesn’t find him. It’s a creepy end to a disturbing episode.

Just as the Founding Fathers intended

This is the world we live in. A world where it takes a few minutes to buy a gun and barely more than that to snuff out forty-nine lives. A world where teachers are expected to be heroes; expected to put themselves between themselves and a gunman. They are not the police. They are not soldiers. They are educators, nurturers, the molders of young minds, and cultivators of young spirits and souls. And yet, they have bags filled with “lockdown lollipops” so small children will be better able to hide in the event that some damn maniac with a gun decides that he’s going to end up front page news.

It’s sickening. I’m tired of wondering, when I wave good-bye in the morning, if my seven year old will be safe at school. How can I keep her childhood free and filled with all the joy and wonder it should contain when I know she practices lockdown drills and knows what to do if someone tries to get into the school who shouldn’t be there?

This is the world we live in. So, my opinion of school shooting episodes hasn’t changed. That’s not a slight of this show but a comment on our culture. I don’t need to be reminded of the horror wrought by a man with a gun. It’s everywhere. It’s Newtown, San Bernardino, Orlando. It’s everywhere. No one is safe from it. The world is sick and I am tired of being handed the same old prescription.

So instead, let me say this. We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union declare that we have had enough of the guns. We say enough to the notion that a well-formed militia is essential to the health of the states. We reject the notion that a bunch of young, white, slave-owning men were gods whose word, written nearly 230 years ago should still confound our lives to this day and should make us less safe, less secure, and more likely to be shot at home, at work, at school, or out dancing on a Saturday night in Orlando. These men, these founding fathers, like many parents, got much right and failed miserably elsewhere

They made provisions, including the Second Amendment, to ensure that the people brutally kidnapped and dragged to these shores from Africa would be held in slavery for as long as possible. They wrote this in a world in which women belonged to her husband. She had no voice, no vote, no say over her money or her own damn body. I ask you, are these the men with which you are to defend the Second Amendment? These white men, and generations of white men after them, handed guns, entitlement, and fear to each other to continue a legacy of power wrought through death and violence.

So, in order to form that more perfect union it’s time to listen to all those people whose voices were silenced when pen reached paper and birthed the Second Amendment. And we, the formerly silence majority have had enough. I am the one thing in life I can control and I say not one more.

Here are a few of our favorite #GaydyBunch tweets from last night.

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