“Orange is the New Black” (4.1): Sardines

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The inmates are herded into the cafeteria, where they come face to face with the horde of new inmates waiting to be processed. Everyone is wet, grouchy, and itchy from whatever was in that lake. The new head guard, Piscatella, shoves the ladies and tells Yoga Jones to shut up. Not Yoga Jones! Caputo is shocked and impressed by the efficiency of the new guards and follows their lead. Morello regales the inmates with stories of her wedding and the post-wedding sex, but everyone is still too wound up from the lake to pay her any attention. In a final insult, her toilet paper veil is taken by a guard and given to Daya, who is bleeding following her birth. Also, there is some talk of getting fucked with a shoe in Catholic school, which I honestly cannot.

Meanwhile, Judy King, the TV cooking star/Martha Stewart stand-in, waits to be processed. She sits with Luschek, who is happy to blow off work and chat her and her boyfriend up. Judy is charming and disarming, and we find out that her boyfriend drove her to the prison while her husband is still at home. Looks like someone is embracing the poly lifestyle!

Everyone is antsy and aggravated. Tovah (formerly Black Cindy) is looking to start a race war for entertainment, but Poussey defends Soso. Sossey is happening, y’all. Lolly calls Piper over to her and Alex, and Piper immediately senses that Alex is hiding something, but is more concerned with herself because of course.

or3Wait, so Emily has NO love interest in 6B, but all the other Liars are getting laid?! Fuck that.

Out in the woods, Suzanne and Maureen find an old cabin. Maureen wants Suzanne to weave another Time Hump-style fantasy about gingerbread houses and magic, but all Suzanne can taste is the lead paint of the decrepit cabin. It’s dark, it’s lonely, and Suzanne realizes that Maureen is even further removed from reality than she is. Basically, she’s realized her crush object is Crazier Eyes. Suzanne then leaves Maureen like I leave all my relationships: by running away while screaming “I don’t wanna do this anymore!”. Caputo finds her at the fence, begging to be let back into prison.

The new inmates are assigned bunks, and Red tells Piper to establish dominance. We meet Red’s Bunkie, chronic snorer White, and Piper’s new Bunkie, Stephanie Hapakuka (played by the always awesome Jolene Purdy). Piper’s intimidation plan immediately backfires, and she is forced to take the top bunk. Also, her infinity tattoo is infected and looks like an angry eight.

Judy King is finally processed and brought to bunk with Poussey, who is so star-struck she can’t even string a sentence together. Caputo, realizing that Judy is a celebrity, quickly pulls her out of the bunks and figures out a private room for her. Tovah meets her new Bunkie, a Muslim woman named Alison.

or4I’ve got a boyfriend and a husband, but there’s always room for one more!

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