“Orange is the New Black” (4.1): Sardines


Greetings Oranginas, and welcome back to Orange is the New Black recaps! When we last left Litchfield, the inmates ran through a hole in the fence and went swimming in the nearby lake. Piper was tattooing herself in the chapel, and Alex was about to be murdered by Kubra’s hitman. Sophia was sent off to SHU, Caputo became warden, and the guards walked out.

Season 4 picks up right where we left off, with everyone frolicking on the lake. Lolly runs into the garden shed to grab Alex, where she finds her getting choked by the hitman. Lolly attacks the hitman and stomps the shit out of him, killing him in the process. After a brief panic, Alex checks the guy’s phone: it’s Kubra, who wants an update on the hit. Alex plays dead, and Lolly takes a photo, then texts it. Kubra follows up by requesting a topless shot, because he is the grossest. Sure enough, Lolly tells Alex to “take her floobies out” and pose.

or1Don’t waste your goldfish on sashimi; Tubbs will just eat them all!

Piper, feeling pretty gangsta with a g, thinks that the group of women running through the halls are afraid of her, but Chang bursts her bubble by telling her about the lake. Chang refuses to go swimming, as she assumes the lake is full of toxins and garbage. But even this news can’t dampen Chapman’s swagger. Ooh girl, smug is not a good look for you. #SmugLife

Caputo calls the Super Max for back-up and finds out about the prison break. He orders his crappy replacement guards to suit up in riot gear, and everyone is psyched until they realize that riot gear is cumbersome, and they keep fogging up their helmets. They are quickly shown up by the max guards, who are brutally efficient and not to be messed with.

The siren sounds and the women start heading back into camp. Everyone except for Suzanne and Maureen, who are cuddling in the forest and comparing each other’s softest parts. Suzanne is ready to return to the camp, but Maureen convinces her to run away in the forest.

or2Is this how lesbians have sex?

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