“Scream” recap (2.3): Kevin and Hell

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Jesus, what a fucked-up few days it’s been. I hope you’re all holding your loved ones close and refusing to let hate and fear drag you down. I know it’s not everyone’s cup of organic fair trade herbal tea, but I’ve always found horror to be cathartic, so I’m really excited to get escapist with this week’s Scream.

When last we saw our scrappy Lakewood Six Minus One And Counting, Audrey was terrorizing a witness out of talking to Noah and then discovering Jarlos’s body stashed in a storage unit. Oh God, I’m sure it smells like the most horrific combination of decay and Axe body spray. Let’s all take a moment to be grateful TV doesn’t come with surround-scent yet. Ghostface calls Audrey to taunt her, and she rips the note they left for her off Jake’s bloody shirt before closing the storage unit back up and running like hell.

At the International Center for Final Girl Studies, Emma’s explaining to Maggie that her dad is back, he’s sorry he wasn’t here for her during that whole secret-half-sister-on-a-murderous-rampage thing, but now he wants to do coffee.

Scream 3.1 I wish this were the first time your dad inspired me to say “Too little, too late.”

Audrey is looking at her message from the murderer when she gets a call from Emma needing to process about the return of the prodigal dad. Audrey’s like “Doesn’t it seem weird that your dad showed up right when Jake was killed I MEAN RIGHT WHEN NOTHING OF INTEREST WAS HAPPENING I TOTALLY DIDN’T FIND A DEAD BODY?” I’m not sure our girl has what it takes to keep a dark secret forever, y’all. Audrey is crumbling. She tells Emma to be careful of her dad, which is exactly what Maggie said, but maternal advice from someone your own age seldom goes over well, and now Audrey and Emma are on the outs.

Audrey doesn’t have a lot of time to wallow, though, because Noah bursts into her room ready to crack open the hotel storage unit and find all its juicy clues about Piper’s accomplice. She barely has time to stash the killer’s note.

Scream 3.2What? Under the mattress? I don’t have anything under the mattress. Just a bunch of vibrators, that’s all.

Emma’s dad tries to make up with her by bonding over how weird it is when all your friends get serial murdered, but she doesn’t want to go there. She just wants him to explain why he left her behind when he fled Lakewood. He realizes she won’t be impressed by “I got halfway out of town and realized I forgot to bring you, and it seemed like a pain in the ass to turn around,” so he says nothing and she bails.

Outside, she calls Maggie to ask if it’s true that she told Emma’s dad to stay away. I think we’re going to make “Have You Learned Nothing?!” a regular feature of this season’s recaps, and here’s this week’s “Have You Learned Nothing?!” Maggie, you can’t keep secrets from Emma. Not in the sense that you shouldn’t because it’s wrong, but in the sense of SHE ALWAYS FINDS OUT.

Bicurious and the Virgin are on their way to the storage unit despite Audrey’s impassioned suggestions that they go get pancakes instead. There’s like eight minutes of buildup and Audrey’s jaw muscles twitching before Noah opens the door to reveal… nothing.

Scream 3.3Damn, nothing but more vibrators.

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