“Scream” recap (2.1): If I Should Die Before I Jake

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Do you like scary movies? If you do, you’ll understand when I say there is nothing like a sequel. In horror, a sequel is a chance to play with the original mythology. The killer from the first time around is dead and gone–or is she?–but there are still secrets to be revealed and teenagers to be sliced and diced. A horror sequel can be brilliant or disastrous, but it’s almost never boring, and I’m looking forward to seeing where the second season of Scream will take us.

Last season, Piper Shaw was unmasked as Emma’s half-sister and the perpetrator of a spate of Brandon James copycat killings that took out many of Emma’s nearest and dearest. Piper had an accomplice, as the greats always do, but we don’t know who it was–or do we? Our precious baby queer angel in ripped tights, Audrey, was secretly pen pals with Ghostface Jr. prior to Emma shooting her in the face. This season we’re going to find out what Audrey’s hiding, and also whether she’ll ever make out with another girl after her first sweetheart, Rachel, went to that great Tegan and Sara concert in the sky.

We open this season with a scene straight out of the great Stab franchise: a blonde being menaced and thrown out a window by her BFF. Why is anyone still blonde? Have you never seen a single scary movie? Lose the peroxide and save yourselves, ladies. Of course, this is a film-within-a-film fake-out, and Audrey is zoning out at her new job at the movie theater.

Scream 1.1It’s so dark in here, how will anyone see that I managed to get an even gayer haircut?

She gets a series of texts from an unknown number, which should prompt her to move out of state and change her name, but instead she calls Noah to see if he sent them. It’s a good thing Audrey has dark hair or she would never have made it this far. Girlfriend has the survival instincts of a lemming who’s really into The Smiths.

Noah didn’t send the texts, obvs, but he offers to pick her up for Emma’s welcome-home party. Audrey reminds him to be on his best behavior and not remind Emma of her recent trauma. Not even if it would make a great bit for the podcast he took over after Piper’s death, which, by the by, is a level of unsettling-serial-killer-fanboy only slightly below stealing her shampoo so you can smell like murderous lunatic.

Audrey thinks the movie theater is cleared out for the night, but then she bumps into a girl who goes to her school and is impressed by her helping to bring Piper down. They take a selfie that just misses capturing the cloaked figure lurking in the shadows.

Scream 1.2This is SO going on my Facebook memorial page when I die horribly.

Judging from her artfully cut-up shirt and the way she’s toying with her hair, this chick is a fan of all Audrey’s work, not just the gunplay, if you’re picking up what I’m putting down. Speaking of picking up things that got put down, Audrey can’t find her keys. She’s walking the cute brunette out the back way when the lights go off, the projector goes on, and suddenly she’s being chased by a dude with a knife and a Brandon James mask.

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