If you want to know how much I love a show, look at how many chores I get done while putting off writing the finale recap. Today I made a loaf of bread, practiced guitar, and made a go at the crumbs that somehow manage to accumulate under my stove. If there were a series finale every week, I believe I might live in the cleanest apartment on my block. (Although I guess that depends on the series. After Faking It, I intend to take a bottle of wine into a bubble bath and stay there until everyone has stopped commenting.) Yet, there is more than the usual amount of sweetness to this sorrow, since Janet King has given us so much (Marta, Marta’s hair up, Marta’s hair down, Bianca, Richard’s face, the comment sections of these recaps, and Marta’s hair in a transitional phase between up and down).
So as you’ll recall, last week ended with Richard’s heart going to its forever home with Keisha the bartender, which necessitated a slight cooling of his devotion to Janet. Janet went on a wine date with Peta, which got her just tipsy enough to put the moves on Bianca, in glorious, slow-motion sexual relations. Lina got pregnant, Deb got nothing, Owen toyed with the idea of being a bad guy, but we knew he wouldn’t go through with it, and the attorney general sold GREAT TRACTS OF LAND to his dear friend and fellow nipple enthusiast Patrick for the grand sum of one dollar. Bowing to the pressure of the Corruption Commission, Janet shut down the Gun Commission, or so they thought. And as for Bao Long, Elaheh, Felix, Major Simon Hamilton, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Australian Grindr, they all went on vacation together in BEAUTIFUL IRAN (such beaches! Much film!) and were never seen or heard from again.
This week begins with Janet doing her moody-but-righteous strut around the office building (it’s great cardio) when she bumps into Heather, who’s just innocently prowling outside the building. Heather warns her that she’s been called as a witness in the corruption hearing, and discloses that she did indeed carry a grudge against her from an old rape case that Janet won and sent an innocent (according to Heather) man to jail. But Heather reiterates that it’s all in the past, and now they are best, best friends.
JUST, IF YOU EVER WANT TO ARM WRESTLE OR REGULAR WRESTLE OR DUEL WITH PISTOLS, THAT WOULD BE COOL. ANYWAY, LYLAS.
Back at home, Janet is eating dinner for one (whence Bianca?) when she gets a notification on her laptop screen that motion has been detected in the shipping container of fridge guns. Yes, Janet that sly fox, left a single motion-activated camera, which was presumably placed there by Terrence Fucking Malick because it is just an absolutely gorgeous shot of all the criminals buying the guns.
I’VE SEEN ENTIRE LESBIAN WEB SERIES SHOT AT A WORSE ANGLE.
Owen comes over for the little viewing party, and now is as good a time as any to say that I truly love Owen’s character. I’ve given a lot of ink to Andy and Richard, because they are the kind of men I like the most in real life—sincere and vaguely doggish lads who freely cede all authority to the women in their lives—but as a character, Owen provides a necessary contrast as the slick opportunist who you should be damn grateful is working for the good guys, because he would work just as hard for the bad ones.
BUT WEAR LESS COLOGNE, I CAN SMELL IT FROM NORTH AMERICA.
The camera reveals the usual suspects—bikies and heavily tattooed muscle men—but it also provides a glimpse of the man behind the curtain, Patrick.
NOW WHAT’S A NICE FELLA LIKE ME DOING IN A PLACE LIKE THIS?