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“The Family” recap (1.12): I Come to Bury The Family, Not to Praise It

Well, this is it. The Family has been canceled, so anything that doesn’t get wrapped up tonight doesn’t get wrapped up ever. If we leave Clements down in that basement, I’m going to be pissed.

Ben has the opening voiceover convention that we have only sometimes followed. He says to picture your life like a series of moments stacked up like a house of cards. Is there one you’d try to do differently? I don’t want to tell you how to live your life, Ben, but I’d go with the moment when you followed Doug to his truck.

Ten years ago in the bunker, Young Ben tries to get a game of Connect Four started as Young Adam tries to get out and screams for rescue. Young Ben says it won’t work, and that it’s been too long-Adam’s family thinks he’s dead by now and has stopped looking. Young Adam breaks the game. That’s apparently the moment that gives Young Ben the inspiration to start digging out the mortar between the bricks. Did we need that bit tied up? I feel like there are so many other details we could be tending to. I don’t really need an explanation as to why two boys tried to get out of the hole where they were being held captive.

In the present, Willa calls Claire down to get some pictures. She says the press knows something’s up because Claire didn’t give a speech last night. (In another 180 of her feelings about Ben, Claire is not happy that her fake son might have killed her real son. In fairness, it has been a hell of stressful few months for Claire.)

Claire angry tie’s Ben’s tie for him and says she knows what he did to her son. Then Tim Burton’s Emo Claire goes down for press photos and looks like a hung-over ghost. Why isn’t Willa managing this, curating Claire’s outfit and demeanor? We saw her do that very thing just a few episodes ago. It’s what Willa does, for chrissakes. Willa finally tries, asking Claire to sit down and Claire just goes outside.

Meyer got scarlet oak off the floor last week. Turns out that only grows in a very small part of the woods. How fortunate! On the downside, the FBI agent who thinks Clements is just on a bender plays a message from Clements to his husband telling him that, yeah, he’s just going to lay low for a bit. Meyer, though it must be admitted that her gut has not served her well in the past, knows this feels wrong.

Jane brings Clements ravioli, corn, and protein shakes, all opened so Clements can get to it. Well, that sounds sanitary. And will he be picking up his food with the hand that’s shackled behind him or with the heavily bandaged hand with no thumb? Jane says she and Doug are going to Canada, but she’ll be real sure to call the police when she gets there. Clements tries to talk her out of it by appealing to her protective instincts about her baby—he says that kids become their parents. Or, Clements, you could bring up the more immediate risk that the baby’s father may try to rape it in a few years. That might be the one to go with in the clutch, don’t you think? Nobody on this show makes any goddamned sense anymore.

Emo Claire goes to the bunker where Adam and Ben were kept, blithely throwing aside police tape indicating that it’s an active crime scene. She looks at all the taped-off and numbered segments and hallucinates Young Adam waiting for her. She clarifies out loud to Young Adam that he’s not real even though it’s just her talking to him in her mind. Thanks, show.

Three months ago, Ben tells Adam that it doesn’t matter about their one dead-end tunnel. He says they’ll start a new tunnel. But Adam wants to go up.

Hank, sitting in a parking lot where he knows he shouldn’t be, helps a kid who fell off his bike. The kid says he’s Devin, and he’s in sixth grade. Devin asks Hank for a ride home. Hank agrees and says his name is Jim.

Bad Reporter negotiates with Gus to run the story that “Adam” is really Ben. You know, the story that Gus was all on board with last week. That’s the one. He says legal is all freaked out, and she says she has Ben’s biological mom and birth certificate. Gus says the new governor will rain down hell on the Red Pines Tribune, but Bad Reporter insists that he run it, because that is a thing a reporter can do to an editor, sure. Gus says he wants 2,000 words and all her research “on his desk” by 5:00. The Tribune has blogs and a Twitter account but not e-mail? And why are they having this argument when she hasn’t even written this story yet? Because plot plot plotty McPlot, that’s why. This show has given up having reasons for things. Gus says Bad Reporter will have the whole front page.

Meyer, day drinking, listens to the TV in a bar with the ladies on The View conveniently reminding the audience of the pit and dungeon that Adam was kept in. Meyer thinks about the scarlet oak and rushes out. OK, sure.

Jane asks Doug if he put the car seat in right—their balance of power is shifting a bit, at least. Doug asks Jane where the shotgun is. Jane says she knows why he needs it and is annoyed because Doug promised not to kill Clements, but now he’s reneging. Jane, what exactly did you expect here? Though I like him a bunch, it makes no goddamned sense that they didn’t kill Clements ages ago. Jane says the shotgun is in the trunk.

Meyer, out in the woods, asks a nice lady in a cabin which other cabins around there have basements. Because that’s one thing you keep tabs on with your neighbors in the deep woods, sure. You just sit around sipping hearty coffee and talking about basements and attics. Maybe sunrooms if things get wacky. Meyer hears a shot and tears off running through the woods, of course with no backup. She sees blood on the ground and follows a trail of gore… To a bleeding Doug. It’s maybe just a wee bit farfetched, but OK. We’ll assume that scarlet oak grows in an extremely tiny part of the forest.

Imaginary Adam tells Claire that he left Willa because he saw Doug’s dog, which is weird, because does Claire have access to that information? Is this Claire assuming things or going all psychic or what? Claire lectures Adam, which is weirder. She’s mad at Young Adam for being stupid when she raised him better and, yes, I understand that people get angry at family members who die, even when it isn’t their fault, but this is just weird. Claire yells at Young Adam for being so stupid, and he disappears. Then she apologizes, and he reappears. We’re not going out on a great episode here.

Three months ago, Doug arrives at the bunker with doughnuts. Adam says Ben hurt his hand, because of rats. Adam says the wound is bad under Ben’s shirt. When Doug goes to look, Adam wraps his chain around Doug’s neck and screams for Ben to get the keys. Ben watches and doesn’t help for, again, no goddamned reason whatsoever. Doug hits Adam on the head and wins the fight — and says that the injury is Ben’s fault.

If you’re still hoping that the show will make any sort of sense, this scene is maddening. The whole premise of the show is that Doug kept the boys in the bunker to rape them. It’s not a pleasant premise, but that’s what it is. It’s been said explicitly. This is the second time this episode that the show has shied away from that, and it’s happened multiple times during the series. Doug is not just some guy who kept boys in a bunker to play house. If abduction and assault are the whole foundations of your show, I don’t see how it does any good to gloss over the horrible implications. Either make your peace with the fact that your disturbing premise would have awful ramifications or don’t run the damn show. Basing the whole plot on something this dark and then acting like Doug only drops in to give out snacks every few days trivializes what’s supposed to be going on here. Almost like they went for a prurient premise just to be dark and edgy, and then didn’t really think about it. Gosh, does that seem like something this show would do?

So, anyway, Adam needs a time when Doug would be distracted enough with Ben to try for an attack, and the show goes with Adam faking a reason for the show to look closely at Ben, because God forbid we show the guy who abducted and assaulted two kids for a whole decade should be shown doing anything too creepy.

And apparently Doug hitting Adam and telling Ben it’s his fault made Ben so terribly guilty that he never clarifies with Willa that Doug is the one who hit Adam and (apparently) killed him. That seems like a mix-up that he’d straighten out right away, doesn’t it? “Doug hit Adam on the head when Adam was trying to escape” is a sentence he would say very soon to both Willa and Claire in any number of contexts once the whole identity thing got out. There is NO REASON WHATSOEVER for Ben to hold back on that except for plot plot Plotty O’Plotterson.

Also, as I’ve mentioned before, the boys are in their late teens now. If Doug is attracted to kids who are eight or nine years old, they’re well out of his range. Why is he still keeping them in the bunker? Every day he keeps them there increases the risk that he’ll be caught, so why hasn’t he killed them? Do you think they were even going to bother trying to explain it?

Meyer runs in to rescue Clements and finally calls for backup. She says Jane shot Doug and drove away. (But we didn’t see or hear signs of the car?) Clements says he can’t ID Doug as his kidnapper because he always sent Jane, so they don’t really have him. OK, that is ridiculous. We’re really suggesting they can’t build a case here? Fine, moving on.

Danny plays online poker and shows Ben how to play Texas hold ’em. Feh. Grown-ups play draw or stud, Danny. Ben tells Danny it’s not his fault that he walked away from Willa—he says Doug knew who he wanted and would have taken him another time if it hadn’t been then. Ben slips into the proper pronouns and finally tells Danny that his name is Ben, not Adam. Danny quietly freaks as his game wins. There is no reason for Ben to tell Danny. None. But we need Danny to be upset, so plot plot plotty von Plot.

Imaginary Young Adam tells Claire it’s time to go as she pretends to cuddle him. We crossfade to Ben looking at sweaty wounded Adam. We’re really not going out on a great episode. Also? Willa is objectively the most fascinating and active character on the show. Why are we giving her such short shrift in the season finale? Clair cuddles Imaginary Young Adam as we wonder.

Finally, Willa comes over to Bad Reporter’s place. Sure, why not? Because every single character has lost all sense of logic, Willa announces to the person she knows is a shady reporter that she can’t find her mom, the governor-elect. Bad Reporter says she’s running her story about Ben not being Adam because she found Ben’s mom. Willa asks if she wants money. Bad Reporter says she wants a comment. Sure, that’s what you’d get from Willa. And you definitely need her to come over to do this.

Willa says, as you would expect and as she would over the phone, that it’s nonsense and tabloid journalism undermining a family that’s already in pain. Then she predicts Bad Reporter’s week of feeling special and then realizing that she’s not; just a “hot flash in a dirty pan.” Willa offers unprecedented access to the governor’s mansion instead, which makes no sense. How many newspapers are clamoring for a couple years’ worth of tame stories about the governor’s family instead of one huge, juicy gazillion-selling story right now?

Bad Reporter can’t believe that Willa would make such a huge offer. (We’re all pretending it’s a good one.) “I’d own you,” says Bad Reporter. “You already do,” says Willa. Only there’s no longing there, no hint of emotion. This is either a scene of Willa’s break-up—her break-up with the only woman she’s ever been with—or it’s a scene of her wanting someone so much that she can’t let her go even when it’s a terrible idea. But there’s none of that really shown here, No tension or conflict. In the season finale. Was that a directing choice? That could have been a great scene and wasn’t, so here’s another picture.

Meyer is annoyed that she has no evidence anywhere in Doug’s house to show for ten years of abduction. We the audience are annoyed as well. Hey, there’s an electric fence in the yard to keep the dog from getting to something. Not from getting out of the yard, from getting to something in the yard.

Devin thanks Hank for getting him a slushie, because everyone in Red Pines drinks slushies in winter, apparently. There is a completely fucked-up moment where Devin doesn’t want to get out of the car and basically flirts with Hank and bats his eyes shyly like it’s the end of a good first date. Because sure, show, why not imply that some kids are asking for it while you’re on such an amazing streak? Hank yells at Devin to get out of the car. Devin says “I can’t” and Hank shoves him out and Devin leaves his scarf behind. And presumably his bike? Does the show think we’ve all been whacked on the head and just don’t remember things?

Emo Claire comes home all dark and stretched out like she’s been drawn by Edward Gorey. She tells Willa that if you see where he was kept, you know that it’s not Ben’s fault who he became. Another 180! Willa has an envelope with her name on it and the missing $10,000. Claire does not remark on the fact that her daughter is holding $10,000 in cash. Willa says Ben is gone.

Poor John, who hasn’t had a thing to do in weeks and weeks, comes to Hank’s house to have a beer in celebration of them getting Doug, so I guess some evidence has turned up. Evidence that directly ties him to Ben and Adam, right? Because that’s why the police would release such sensitive information? He barges into Hank’s house, and Hank lets him because it’s not like he and the Warren parents have been behaving in believable ways toward each other for the last several episodes or anything. John wants to know what Doug is like and what kind of monster does that to an innocent child.

Hank says it’s just a desire that you know you shouldn’t have, but you want it anyway, like chocolate or whiskey. Fuck you, Hank and show. Hank compares wanting children to John’s forbidden affair with Meyer. John makes the excellent point that she’s a consenting adult.

Hank brings up wanting to have sex with a woman who doesn’t want you back. John says he would never do that because it’s rape. Hank agrees. He says “Wanting it doesn’t make you the monster. Taking it does.” And that’s Hank’s storyline. That’s supposed to be his vindication.

Fuck. This. Show. The Family, I’m going to have to demand that flaming box of dicks back, because you don’t even deserve that. HE HAD CHILD PORN, YOU ASSHOLES.

Hank had child porn on his computer, which was a major plot point. It is why he confessed and went to jail. To go back to Hank’s metaphor, if a man told you that he had never committed a rape and that all he ever did was watch a lot of videos of women actually getting raped and supported sharing those videos and was a part of the market for more of those videos to get made, would you think he was an awesome saintly non-criminal who was nobly fighting his urges? Or would he sound like a fucking criminal who was actively facilitating rape?

If you want to do a plotline about a pedophile who is genuinely battling his urges and getting no support, that’s a worthwhile story. But don’t give him a stash of child porn. Because, as a 30 seconds’ worth of research and a moment’s thought could have told you, child porn is made with children. Children who cannot possibly consent. And they really do get abducted for that.

Congratulations, The Family and everyone over at ABC. You just spent 12 weeks making the tacit argument that child porn is a victimless crime. Everybody proud of that? Ugh. This show has gotten a lot of things wrong, but this is inexcusable.

Back at the Red Pines Tribune, Gus asks if Bridey’s story is on his desk with all her research. She says yes. Bridey tells Gus he should have given her a byline sooner. Which would be a bad-ass thing to say if we had any evidence that she had done something to deserve one sooner. She had her own lesbian lifestyle blog. What does she want?

Gus goes into his office to find a cardboard box on his desk with Bad Reporter’s badge in it and none of her story. I just want the show to make sense for a few minutes in a row. Just a few.

No. No, we do not. And besides, the phrase “you should have given me a byline sooner” completely undercuts any noble act we’re meant to think is happening.

It’s night, and there’s a hitchhiker in the road. Willa and Claire stop, and it’s Ben. They tell him to come home. Ben says he did something.

Danny is at Bar Where Everyone Always Goes. Willa walks in and orders them drinks. OK, here’s another thing: This show refuses to make a decision on whether Danny is an alcoholic. If it’s creepy for Bad Reporter to offer him drinks, it can’t be cool and chummy when Willa does. Willa says he was right about Ben and admits that she wasn’t going to tell Danny. But she’s glad that Ben brought Danny back home. She asks him for a rope burn, like how he’d punish her when they were kids. Willa tells Danny she loves him. He tells her to close her eyes as though he’s going to give her a rope burn and then Danny just leaves.

Meyer apologizes to Claire for calling her so late. They found human remains in Doug’s backyard. Meyer says she’ll put Doug in a hole, smaller than the one the boys were in. She wants Claire’s DNA to confirm that it’s Adam. Claire asks if there’s enough of Adam left to bury. Yes.

Claire gives Meyer her coffee cup and says “Do it.”

Claire, wearing white now, steps out to face all of Red Pines’ reporters, all eleventy million of them, in, I don’t know, a giant ballroom? What is the setting here? There are something like 20 mics in front of Claire and dozens and dozens of reporters, as there always are for a governor’s acceptance speech.

Hank strokes Devin’s scarf and puts it in a box with other tokens from children. We’re supposed to feel sad for him because the show wants us to forget that HE HAD CHILD PORN.

As Claire, in white now, gives her acceptance speech, Willa thinks about Bad Reporter, who is dead in a ditch in the snow. Well, there you go. We all knew she wouldn’t survive the season, and sure enough, Bad Reporter the Disposable Bisexual has been killed off.

And that, writers, is the problem with relying on tropes and stereotypes. This is supposed to be a huge surprise, but we over here on this site have been predicting it since, I believe, Episode 2. Everyone in the LGBT community who’s watching the show has been predicting it since Episode 2, if not Episode 1. Writing real characters instead of walking plot devices has benefits beyond people in out-groups throwing stuff at the TV because we got killed off again.

And this death is truly just fuckery at this point. We all knew Bad Reporter was going to get murdered to propel a plotline for Season Two, but the show was canceled earlier in the week. There’s a grand total of 11 seconds of footage Bad Reporter dead, if that. After all the dead LGBT characters this season, could they really not have made a quick edit and let this one live? I’m sure they had 10 more seconds of Claire shivering in the bunker. At least Floriana Lima will be able to move on to better shows. I’d like to see what she can do when she’s given a real character.

Anyway, Willa may or may not have had her killed. She certainly seems to know Bad Reporter is dead. It’s too bad. On a better show, Willa could have become a truly amazing character.

Meyer puts “solved” by a picture of the skeleton they found. Clements, who is apparently not taking any leave or anything after being shackled in a basement and having his thumb cut off, says the boy in the yard wasn’t Adam.

Jane pulls up at a gas station and asks someone in the car if there’s a baby bottle back there. A teenager with an old head wound goes inside and gets candy. He asks for a phone.

Ben watches the family (minus Danny) happily make pancakes together and answers the phone.

Adam Warren says “You took my life. I’m coming to get it back.”

And that is a great season-ender if you don’t think about anything. Like literally anything. Like when Jane knew about Adam, or why they’re so chummy, or why he goes along to Canada instead of demanding to go home while he has the gun, or why they have to leave so quickly without releasing Clements once Doug is shot, or why they have to flee at all once Doug is shot, or…

In a way, it’s perfect. The Family is ending on a big ball of nonsense and illogic. Rest in peace, Bad Reporter, you were never meant to do anything but be a clattering load of stereotypes and then die. And goodbye, Willa. You left us too soon. We’ll hold out hope for a better spin-off for you.

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