RachelWatch: Taking Pawlenty of Time


Today: If you experience an election that lasts for more than four
months, contact your doctor.

Pirates of the Indian Ocean

As you may have noticed, pirates have been getting way less fun lately.

Somali pirates boarded an American container ship, the Maersk
on Wednesday. As of this writing, the captain is still
being held hostage and the Navy destroyer USS Bainbridge has
arrived on the scene.

Rachel welcomed Captain Joseph Murphy, the father of
Captain Shane Murphy, the Alabama’s second
in command.

The astonishingly calm Murphy said that his son is all right and noted
that Shane helped him teach his anti-piracy class. Looks like it was a
pretty good class – the younger Captain Murphy and his unarmed crew
held off the armed pirates for a surprisingly long time and at one
point managed to overwhelm one of the pirates who was holding them

Are people 200 years from now going to pretend these pirates are
hilarious and awesome and sell hats and flags and movie merchandise?
Nah. It won’t take that long.

Sale of the (19th) Century

South Carolina is selling off state bank notes from the Civil War to
raise some cash. But don’t make the rookie mistake of blowing all your
cash on the first historic artifacts that the Palmetto State throws up
on eBay. Hold out for that giant gorilla at South of the Border.

Are We There Yet?

Rachel pretended that she’s upset that Minnesota is still counting
votes from five months ago, but she didn’t seem to mind the chance to
play the MSNBC election theme again. It only makes her stronger; I’m
pretty sure I saw her open a bottle with her teeth right afterwards.

Probable Senator Al Franken is currently ahead in the
recount and the judicial review panel is expected to rule in Franken’s
favor. Former Senator Walking Norm Coleman has
already announced his intention to go to the State Supreme Court and
then override their ruling by going to the Federal Supreme Court, and
then override that ruling by going to the Galactic Tribunal.

Coleman was also profoundly offended by the suggestion that he might
just be trying stall with all the court battles he is planning on

Governor Tim Pawlenty checked in to do some
unbelievable toadying up to Rachel in the hope that she wouldn’t blaze
holes in his torso with her logic rays when he hemmed and hawed over
signing an election certificate should the court rule on a winner.

Good luck patching those up, sir! Don’t forget to plug them with
cotton before you apply the bandages!

Ms. Information

President Obama is hosting and attending a
second-night Passover Seder at the White House tonight, which is kind
of awesome. Except for the kids present — how can they possibly find
the matzo in a house that big?

In other D.C. entertaining news, I hope you saved enough of your
gorilla fund to buy the very apartment that made Watergate a
world-famous political scandal instead of just a monstrously ugly

Rachel hated the kitchen cabinets, but I think she’s missing the big
picture of a truly awesome theme Bed & Breakfast possibility. Plus
there’s no need to have spare keys made up — just have your guests
tape the locks.

B.S. I Love You

Rachel gave us a look at her favorite fiction writers, including
Representative Michele Bachmann (R – Minnesota), who
wrote an editorial in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune using a
made-up figure that was publicly debunked a month ago, and
George Will, who seems to have knowingly
misrepresented facts on global warming in The Washington

She then segued to a review of her favorite new science fiction movie,
The Incredible Shrinking Military Spending, starring
Senator James Inhofe (R – Oklahoma).

The Washington Post’s Eugene Robinson joined
Rachel to discuss the maddening problem of trying to have a real
debate with people who use fake information.

Robinson suggested what sounds like a gratifying Truth Squad segment
on news shows. Rachel pointed out that she doesn’t like to fuel the
fire behind Bachmann’s crazy eyes, but seemed to come around to the
idea of performing the valuable public service of mocking liars until
they either recant or become gibbering wrecks.

OK, I might have enhanced the facts in that last sentence.
Nevertheless, can we get her a cape for that?

GOP in Exile

Rachel reported that former Governor Mitt Romney is
showing he’s just like regular folks by selling off his $5 million
Utah ski cabin and his $3 million home in Massachusetts, leaving him
with just $22 million worth of homes in New Hampshire and Southern

See you in the laundry room, Mitt! Remember that the middle dryer
fries your clothes unless you put a shoe on top to keep it steady!

Lethal Rejection

Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley (D) has been
pushing his state to repeal the death penalty, and seems to be doing
so for principle rather than political gain.

Rachel served him up a chance to take a hero pose for doing that, and
I was impressed that he shrugged it off and said that the issue is

Until next time, please remember that according to an interview on her
own personal website, Michele Bachmann has acid for blood and an extra
mouth that shoots out of her first mouth.

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