RachelWatch: Taking Pawlenty of Time

on

Today: If you experience an election that lasts for more than four

months, contact your doctor.

Pirates of the Indian Ocean

As you may have noticed, pirates have been getting way less fun lately.

Somali pirates boarded an American container ship, the Maersk

Alabama,
on Wednesday. As of this writing, the captain is still

being held hostage and the Navy destroyer USS Bainbridge has

arrived on the scene.

Rachel welcomed Captain Joseph Murphy, the father of

Captain Shane Murphy, the Alabama’s second

in command.

The astonishingly calm Murphy said that his son is all right and noted

that Shane helped him teach his anti-piracy class. Looks like it was a

pretty good class – the younger Captain Murphy and his unarmed crew

held off the armed pirates for a surprisingly long time and at one

point managed to overwhelm one of the pirates who was holding them

captive.

Are people 200 years from now going to pretend these pirates are

hilarious and awesome and sell hats and flags and movie merchandise?

Nah. It won’t take that long.

Sale of the (19th) Century

South Carolina is selling off state bank notes from the Civil War to

raise some cash. But don’t make the rookie mistake of blowing all your

cash on the first historic artifacts that the Palmetto State throws up

on eBay. Hold out for that giant gorilla at South of the Border.

Are We There Yet?

Rachel pretended that she’s upset that Minnesota is still counting

votes from five months ago, but she didn’t seem to mind the chance to

play the MSNBC election theme again. It only makes her stronger; I’m

pretty sure I saw her open a bottle with her teeth right afterwards.

Probable Senator Al Franken is currently ahead in the

recount and the judicial review panel is expected to rule in Franken’s

favor. Former Senator Walking Norm Coleman has

already announced his intention to go to the State Supreme Court and

then override their ruling by going to the Federal Supreme Court, and

then override that ruling by going to the Galactic Tribunal.

Coleman was also profoundly offended by the suggestion that he might

just be trying stall with all the court battles he is planning on

losing.

Governor Tim Pawlenty checked in to do some

unbelievable toadying up to Rachel in the hope that she wouldn’t blaze

holes in his torso with her logic rays when he hemmed and hawed over

signing an election certificate should the court rule on a winner.

Good luck patching those up, sir! Don’t forget to plug them with

cotton before you apply the bandages!

Ms. Information

President Obama is hosting and attending a

second-night Passover Seder at the White House tonight, which is kind

of awesome. Except for the kids present — how can they possibly find

the matzo in a house that big?

In other D.C. entertaining news, I hope you saved enough of your

gorilla fund to buy the very apartment that made Watergate a

world-famous political scandal instead of just a monstrously ugly

building.

Rachel hated the kitchen cabinets, but I think she’s missing the big

picture of a truly awesome theme Bed & Breakfast possibility. Plus

there’s no need to have spare keys made up — just have your guests

tape the locks.

B.S. I Love You

Rachel gave us a look at her favorite fiction writers, including

Representative Michele Bachmann (R – Minnesota), who

wrote an editorial in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune using a

made-up figure that was publicly debunked a month ago, and

George Will, who seems to have knowingly

misrepresented facts on global warming in The Washington

Post.

She then segued to a review of her favorite new science fiction movie,

The Incredible Shrinking Military Spending, starring

Senator James Inhofe (R – Oklahoma).

The Washington Post’s Eugene Robinson joined

Rachel to discuss the maddening problem of trying to have a real

debate with people who use fake information.

Robinson suggested what sounds like a gratifying Truth Squad segment

on news shows. Rachel pointed out that she doesn’t like to fuel the

fire behind Bachmann’s crazy eyes, but seemed to come around to the

idea of performing the valuable public service of mocking liars until

they either recant or become gibbering wrecks.

OK, I might have enhanced the facts in that last sentence.

Nevertheless, can we get her a cape for that?

GOP in Exile

Rachel reported that former Governor Mitt Romney is

showing he’s just like regular folks by selling off his $5 million

Utah ski cabin and his $3 million home in Massachusetts, leaving him

with just $22 million worth of homes in New Hampshire and Southern

California.

See you in the laundry room, Mitt! Remember that the middle dryer

fries your clothes unless you put a shoe on top to keep it steady!

Lethal Rejection

Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley (D) has been

pushing his state to repeal the death penalty, and seems to be doing

so for principle rather than political gain.

Rachel served him up a chance to take a hero pose for doing that, and

I was impressed that he shrugged it off and said that the issue is

evolving.

Until next time, please remember that according to an interview on her

own personal website, Michele Bachmann has acid for blood and an extra

mouth that shoots out of her first mouth.

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