CLUE: The Queer Woman on “Quantico” edition

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As a self-proclaimed QuantHead out there (note: I’ll find a better name for us by the end of this article), a few questions plague my mind. 1) Why are all of these FBI agents of Quantico so attractive? 2) What’s the number of the show’s hair stylist because I’m going to a wedding in September and could really use a curly updo. 3) How are there no queer female characters represented in such a bad ass profession?

After last week’s episode, gay Twitter was a-gay-buzz with gay spoilers that one of the lady Quanticles (getting better?) came out as queer. I loyally was waiting for my girlfriend so we could watch the episode together, but I couldn’t hold out. I broke the special pact between two Quazzie’s (yes?) and watched the episode without her, knowing that at last, the queer female character reveal was upon me.

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But who could it be? Let’s look at the facts here.

How about our protagonist, Alex Parrish (Priyanka Chopra)? I mean Lips of an Angel. No way. She’s been balls deep in…well, balls, this entire series. If she’s not crying over the bearded stick of butter Ryan, she’s trying to forget she slept with Ryan or looking googly-eyed at Drew.

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It is most likely not Shelby Wyatt (Johanna Braddy). In the last episode, she just found out that her parents that she thought died in 9/11 are actually alive. There’s no way that she’s going to come out as queer this week. She’s got a lot of shit on her plate. Besides, she’s wrapped up in her completely uninteresting storyline with her boy toy, Caleb.

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It’s definitely not the twins, Nimah or Raina. Natalie is dead (Spoiler. Sorry). It’s possible that it could be Iris Chang, one of the new recruits (is that what we call them?).

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So I guess it leaves us with… Hannah Wyland (frequent on-screen bisexual Eliza Coupe). Her character was introduced seemingly out of nowhere as Ryan’s ex-wife that he occasionally goes undercover with (you know, relatable break-up stuff). She is relentlessly shitty to Alex when she realizes that Ryan used to be Alex’s FBI (Female Body Inspector… get it? Like the shirt that annoying men wear). Which leads me to my theory I’ve always had: Girls are only ever this mean to one another unless they want to fuck each other.

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SPOILER for all my Quantmami’s out there who haven’t watched this week’s episode: Hannah does come out in a very cavalier way when she’s on the phone with Alex trying to stop the terrorist from killing Senator Claire Haas. Which is exactly how we all planned on coming out.

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She tells Alex that Ryan “wasn’t giving her what she needed” and that when she was undercover she fell in love with a woman. Is that woman Alex? TELL ME! After all, she does take the blame for Alex about the whole “being a terrorist” thing, which is romantic as hell. And I think we can all agree that surviving an assassination attempt is pretty hot.

So there you have it. She’s out. I’m still not entirely convinced that she’s not the terrorist. Fingers crossed that the terrorist will end up being queer because let’s face it, we could use some cool representation (only kind of serious).

That’s all for now, Quantickles (nailed it). 

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