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“The Family” recap (1.6): Willa has feelings

Hey! So ratings for The Family haven’t been great and ABC is getting a little desperate on their social media accounts.

“Lucky for me. I was never alone.”

Retweet if we’ll see you next Sunday. #TheFamily

– The Family (@thefamily) April 4, 2016

But hey, we have some fun developments with Willa this week, so let’s crack on.

Maybe-Adam has the opening/closing voiceover this week, and it’s about how being alone changes you and makes you capable of anything. OK.

Ten years ago, Craggy Doug plays with a dog and practices chloroforming it to see how long it will stay out under which dosage. So we’re pretty much done playing coy about whether not Craggy Doug is a kidnapper, though the show is still trying to keep it up in the air as to whether he’s the particular kidnapper we’re looking for.

Ten years ago, Nina Myer, with her hair ON POINT, has come over to suggest using Not-Adam as bait. We’ve only gotten as far as “use him as bait” and this is already a terrible plan. The idea is to draw Craggy Doug out into the open. Not-Adam says Craggy Doug bought him a red plaid shirt and liked him to wear it. Craggy Doug will get the message if Not-Adam wears it. OK.

The thundering herds of Red Pines reporters have converged in the Warrens’ driveway to ask Not-Adam to talk about what he missed most while he was in the bunker. Not-Adam mentions Bill’s Burgers, and that clip pretty much plays on a loop as Doug makes breakfast for his pregnant wife. Adam doesn’t say that he’ll be at Bill’s Burgers alone at noon sharp on Thursday or anything like that. He just lists it with other stuff like swimming and pizza. This is not a very good plan. One of the thousands of reporters finally asks if Not-Adam has had a Bill’s Burger yet and he says he’ll maybe have one tomorrow. I hope she gets a bonus for firming up The Plan.

(Also: Not-Adam does mention missing his friends. I realize many or most of them may be away at school, but NONE of Adam’s old playmates or their parents have come by? This feels either cold or really convenient, since they’d notice things about him. On the other hand, maybe they’re all reporters and this is a two-fer.)

Hank opens his front door to the woman from the bakery who sold him the cake last week. She says she’s here to bring him a reward card. And then she admits that she liked how he could eat by himself — To be clear, he an entire cake by himself — and she says she’s not good at being by herself and she admires him. She gives him her number in case he wants to eat together.

OK, hold the damn phone. Bakery Girl saw the bruised-face guy with no friends eat a cake that he’d had her ice “I win” on and decided that this was the hunk-a hunk-a burnin’ love for her? Is she that devoted to baked goods? Or was she just so excited to meet someone else in town who isn’t a reporter that she couldn’t control herself? (The actress plays the character’s extreme anxiety well, but seriously, show?)

Also, she bothered to invade Hank’s privacy enough to find his home address, but she did that without Googling him and discovering the sex offender rap and the false arrest for murder? That happened because of the sex offender rap? Did she go to the library and find a phone book and look him up manually instead of picking up her phone? Has he been listed at his home address for all ten years of his prison sentence? Or did she just go door to door? Bakery Girl just became the most intriguing straight character on this whole nutball show.

Willa arrives at a park bench to meet Bad Reporter. Willa tells Bad Reporter “I’m not interested in your ladyparts,” which is the second-most brazen lie she’ll be telling today.

Bad Reporter tells Willa she has Not-Adam’s paternity test and he’s not Adam, which makes Willa get all pissy. Bad Reporter says she’s into the truth, and Willa accurately calls bullshit.

Willa says that Adam is her brother but isn’t John’s son, and that Claire had an affair years ago. (Which brings Not-Adam back into play as Maybe-Adam. That was quick.) Willa also claims that if Bad Reporter prints all that about the affair, she’ll shatter the life of a boy who’s just pulling back from being kept in a bunker for 10 years and then reunited with the man who thinks is his dad, so maybe shut the hell up. Willa walks away thinking hard. For the dumber members of the viewing audience, we replay Danny suggesting that maybe Maybe-Adam isn’t Adam.

(Please tell me people won’t start shipping this clearly doomed festival of poor life choices as a relationship. What are people going to call it? Brilla? Widey? Ugh.)

At City Hall, Willa is silently freaking while a staffer who does not read nonverbal signals well hounds her about Claire’s campaign. Willa has her own giant office with her own giant desk that’s just giant enough for her to crawl under it and hyperventilate. Actress Allison Pill does a great job of letting us know that this may not be the first time Willa has taken some crouch time under her desk. I know I rag on the show a lot for being insane, but this really is a top-notch cast.

10 years ago, Craggy Doug is working on a wooden craft project. It’s a boy-sized soundproof box. He drops a blaring radio inside to make sure that no one will be able to hear any screaming. Is that compatible with air holes? I don’t think that’s compatible with air holes.

Today, Maybe-Adam is worried that he won’t get seen by Craggy Doug when he’s out in the world being bait. Claire wants to ditch this and forget everything and take a road trip instead. Maybe-Adam says he can’t forget until he knows Craggy Doug is gone. Which is a fair point.

The next day, Maybe-Adam is in a red plaid shirt like the one Craggy Doug gave him. He’ll be surrounded by FBI and they’re putting a tracking device on him. Next Danny and Maybe-Adam are at Bill’s Burgers which is, wait a minute, at the freaking mall? Was there a contest to pick a place that would be harder to cover and monitor than the Statue of Liberty? Maybe-Adam tells Danny that he doesn’t want the cops to catch Craggy Doug; he wants them to kill him.

Maybe-Adam tries to send Danny away. He says Craggy Doug won’t come close if Danny is there, and he wants this to be over. So maybe he should have thought of a better story than really missing the burgers at the mall food court. And what do they think Craggy Doug is going to do? Stop to chat? Abduct a fully grown teenager from a busy food court. Maybe he’ll be inspired to shout “Hello! It is I, the man who abducted you!” I don’t think this is a good plan.

Pale, sweaty Maybe-Adam looks around nervously for Craggy Doug. Who, let’s be clear, could be in any direction and on one of at least two floors. How much manpower do they have here again? Claire, waiting in the surveillance van, is freaking out that Danny walked away and Maybe-Adam is alone. Meyer says Craggy Doug is there, and bango, Maybe-Adam sees him. What Maybe-Adam does not do is signal the 4,000 law enforcement personnel in any way. Did we really not think up a signal for “I see him,” kids?

Also Meyer has figured out that Maybe-Adam is staring up at Doug, but she doesn’t send squads of agents to the part of the mall where Maybe-Adam is looking. Is everyone on NyQuil today or what? And now Maybe-Adam just looks sick.

Back at the rally 10 years ago, Craggy Doug and his dog come up to Young Adam. He invites Adam to his truck to give the dog a treat. Yeesh.

Claire says Maybe-Adam, pale, sweaty, and staring in one direction, isn’t OK. Well, duh. Meyer and Clements run into the mall. Danny comes back to the table. Adam is sweating and acting afraid, but he’s not giving out any information about Doug, such as saying “The man on the railing in the blue jacket!” Or pointing. Or helping at all. Finally, they get a few words out of him and Clements radios out an order that no lone guy in his 30s with acne scars in a blue jacket gets out of the mall. Craggy Doug, walking casually away because Maybe-Adam did nothing to point him out, ditches his jacket in the trash and rejoins his wife.

This is the worst plan ever. Doug tells his wife all the fuss behind him is a bomb threat and they walk right out while Meyer looks helplessly around the food court. This was a TERRIBLE plan. What plans were rejected in favor of this plan? Blindfolding Maybe-Adam and spinning him around before dropping him in the food court? Running the whole operation in Times Square on New Year’s Eve? Having Maybe-Adam wander alone through a dark funhouse?

And if they really want to find Craggy Doug, why don’t they put Bakery Girl on the case?

The staffer who loves to bug Willa knocks on her office door and says that Claire called and it’s urgent. Willa, still under the desk, says she’ll call back.

Hank pulls Cake Girl’s number off the fridge.

At the hospital, a doctor tells Claire that Maybe-Adam crumbled because he has an intestinal blockage from scar tissue from an old infection that just happened to kick in during the big stakeout. You know what? Fine. I’m going to give that one a pass. The plan was so terrible that Maybe-Adam’s internal organs couldn’t stand the strain.

10 years ago, Claire talks to Craggy Doug himself about her campaign —Eeeeek! — and he’s got the box with her son in it in the truck. She was feet away from Adam while he was being abducted. (Presumably. We haven’t seen the actual abduction.)

Meyer wants John and Claire to come look at every possible angle of mall camera footage, which is ridiculous, but of course John goes. Well, that should only take about 13,000 hours.

Hank goes to meet Bakery Girl for dinner for no explicable reason whatsoever. Presumably the voiceover about loneliness at the beginning is meant to cover it. Hank tells her he quit being a CPA because he had issues. Bakery Girl finds this irresistible instead of a giant red flag. (Who raised you, pretty, awkward Bakery Girl? Why do you not see your own value?) Back at his place, she kisses him and he kisses her back and WHY is she into the bruised guy who ate a whole cake? ABC, I wish to pitch a show about Bakery Girl’s fun, fabulous new friends who help her get her dating life back on track. As a DVD plays in the sad TV-blued darkness, Bakery Girl goes down to blow Hank and he looks all pained. I don’t feel like this show has been doing the LGBT community any favors, but we’re certainly all off straight sex now.

Hank shoves Bakery Girl away and tells her to Google him because he can’t believe she didn’t do that either.

It’s night and Willa is still under her desk and Danny has been sent to get her. Willa says she can’t hold everyone together anymore and Danny says no one asked her to.

Clements has an evidence bag with the jacket from the trash bin, but they don’t have any tests done on it yet. In the hospital, some flowers get delivered to Maybe-Adam, but the card says “Dear Ben, feel better” on it.

Ten years ago, Doug is late meeting his girlfriend for dinner and back at the rally Claire and Willa flip out looking for Adam. Doug orders food while the box is STILL in the bed of his truck. Seriously, just right there in the truck bed? And no air holes? This is poor kidnapping technique. Somebody on this show do a job well.

Ten years ago, Officer Meyer is interviewing everyone from the rally, including Craggy Doug, He says he saw Young Adam, but had his woodcrafts booth to pay attention to and then was with his girlfriend all night. Meyer asks for the girlfriend’s number and it’s an actual physical relief to see something close to an investigative technique.

John looks at mall security footage — TURNING AWAY FROM IT TO TALK TO MEYER WHILE IT’S STILL RUNNING, JESUS CHRIST — and it’s of the food court level, not the upper level where Maybe-Adam was obviously staring. Gosh, I wonder why they’re not finding anyone. Meyer tells John, who is failing to look at the footage from entirely the wrong angle, to choose his wife and family instead of her.

Claire brings Adam’s stuffed monkey to the hospital and Maybe-Adam doesn’t even pretend to recognize it well. Claire sends the flowers away with a nurse because the wrong name is on the card. DUN DUN DUN!

Willa hits the confessional to say that she told a lie to fix a lie. She says she doesn’t know where to look for the truth. Danny (who waited in the car?) takes her out to a bar and suggests looking for the truth in the bottom of bottles of alcohol. No, wait, for something better than the truth. Danny says you can stuff your emotions way down (Willa has that part covered, Danny) and then pour alcohol on them.

The doctor says the blockage is just below Maybe-Adam’s appendix. Which is a problem for Claire, since she knows damn well that the real Adam had his appendix out when he was five. The doctor mansplains that Claire probably mixed her kids up and is thinking of a different child’s surgery, which is the most hilariously accurate moment of the entire show. Claire, who just essentially had her son get murdered again, retires to a private place to flip the fuck out. Well, at least we know Willa is her real daughter.

So now Claire knows that Maybe-Adam in fact Not-Adam, and we now know that this is news to Claire. Which means that Willa seems to be the one who whipped up that bogus rushed DNA test when Not-Adam first appeared. (Does this mean that Willa also had the technician who did the test murdered? Holy crap, Willa. And watch your back, Bad Reporter.)

Claire stands by sleeping post-surgery Not-Adam’s bed and calls him “Adam” a few times. Nothing. Then she tries calling “Ben,” and he wakes right up. Whoopsie.

Ten years ago, Claire tears apart Adam’s room to find his stuffed monkey because she’s panicking and focusing on the fact that he’ll need it when he gets home. Now she tears apart Adam’s room for reasons that aren’t clear. She stares at a picture of young Adam.

Hank goes in for one of his quarterly chemical castration treatments. The doctor says he doesn’t legally have to do this, and Hank says, “I’d rather be a eunuch than a monster.”

Clements watches more mall security footage while talking to his husband on the phone. Meyer says they found dog hair on the abandoned jacket. Suddenly she stops the security footage. Craggy Doug’s pregnant wife is Jane, the woman Meyer talked to from the oil refinery who knew all about the bunkers weeks ago. No, we are not calling this evidence of the plan working.

Drunk Willa waits at Bad Reporter’s apartment, because that is what the Warren children do. Willa asks Bad Reporter if she’s told anyone about the paternity test, and Bad Reporter lies that she hasn’t because lying is what she does. Willa asks Bad Reporter if she’s going to tell and gets a choice between honesty and making Willa feel better. Willa picks making Willa feel better, so Bad Reporter lies that she hasn’t decided whether or not to tell about the paternity test.

Drunk Willa says she hasn’t decided yet either, and won’t elaborate because she can’t say the words. Bad Reporter astutely notes that Drunk Willa is drunk, and because she never met a drunk Warren child that she couldn’t take advantage of, she invites Willa upstairs.

Willa and Bad Reporter are kissing in her apartment. Bad Reporter deposits Willa on the couch and takes off Willa’s shirt. Willa says she doesn’t know what she’s doing and Bad Reporter issues her the standard first-time “just follow along” pass. Bad Reporter kisses down Willa’s body as Willa pants with the heady first-timeness of it all.

And I realize that Willa is all but shattering here, but for chrissakes, Willa. You are nothing if not a planner, and Red Pines has at least two lesbian bars and enough of a thriving scene to support a dedicated lesbian lifestyle blogger. You really can’t focus on someone other than the woman who probably burgled your family home and definitely banged your brother? You’d better be planning a double-cross, young lady.

And let’s just go ahead and put this out here: Willa is getting more and more interesting as a character. Not just because she’s getting gayer, but because she’s trying so hard to be a good girl that she’s willing to do things that are really, incredibly bad. And her unraveling, if it’s handled well, is going to be interesting in and of itself. Plus she has complex relationships with her mother, sister, and brother.

Bad Reporter, however, is still only a device for getting some sex onscreen and shoving the plot forward. All we know about her is her orientation, her sneakiness, and her willingness to sleep with people of either gender for a story. So while I’m sure The Family writing team would like to explode our freaking brains with some more unpredictable plot twists, I’m also pretty sure that any regular reader of this site or regular watcher of queer lady characters is already waiting for 1) Willa to get emotionally attached to Bad Reporter and come to a full awakening as a lesbian and then get punished for that as 2) Bad Reporter betrays her with a dude or 3) Bad Reporter gets killed off or 4) Bad Reporter betrays Willa with a dude and then gets killed off.

I’m not saying that I want any of these things to happen. I would love to be proven wrong and get an interesting plot or at least a real, rich same-sex relationship for Willa. But we know how these things usually work, and Bad Reporter is such a walking collection of stereotypes that “how these things usually work” is where the smart money is betting. My estimation of Bad Reporter’s odds of surviving the season stands at about 15%.

Back at the hospital, the nurse gives Ben-Adam back the flowers because there’s no one named Ben on the floor, because of course there isn’t.

Willa sits in her car in the rain. Ben voiceovers again about how being lonely is bad and can make you do awful things.

Claire is waiting up for Willa and wants to say “HOLY FUCK WILLA, ARE YOU EVEN KIDDING ME WITH THIS ONE?” but all she says is “Who is he?” and then “Is his name Ben?” Willa is so busted. Willa bursts into tears. She’s having a hell of a stressful day. With one big stress-reliever right at the end there, but still.

Ten years ago, Doug puts Young Adam in the bunker. As a friend for Young Ben, who won’t have to be lonely in the bunker anymore.

But Willa will have to be lonely, because Bad Reporter is so getting killed off.

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