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“Once Upon a Time” recap (5.16): Bicycles, babies, and Belle, oh my!

Once upon a time on Once Upon a Time, everything was silly and fun and happy. But then we took a wrong turn at Neverland and have been in a downward spiral ever since. There have been bright spots, sure-Elsa being the adorable badass she was always meant to be, Mulan joining forces with Merida and Ruby, etc-but now we’re in some kind of aggressively heterosexual hell where everyone who used to be awesome is boring and the worst of the storylines are being repeated.

But we just have to hang in there for a few more episodes, then we’ll have Mulan back, and officially know whether we’re soldiering on or riding off into the sunset with our wonderful queer warrior.

Okay, let’s dive in.

We begin with a flashback in the Land of Oz where Zelena is torturing the Scarecrow and threatening to take his brain for her time travel spell. Before she can lobotomize the straw man, Dorothy Gale struts in, eyes fierce with determination.

She heard that Zelena didn’t die when she melted her all those years ago, and has returned to save Oz again. Her and Toto save the Scarecrow and storm off, much to Zelena’s dismay.

In present day Storybrooke, Belle visits babies and for a good long time I legitimately thought she was just working at the local orphanage. It wasn’t until the Blue Fairy turned out to be

Zelena in disguise that I remembered that Zelena’s baby and the Charming infant were still characters on this show.

Anyway, Zelena tries to steal her baby back, but Belle protects the little girl. They tussle over the baby when a portal Gold made for Hades opens up. Belle snatches the baby and falls in, and Zelena dives in after them.

When they get there, Belle is confused, but Zelena recognizes the annoying lighting and knows they’re in the Underworld. Belle assumes Rumple has finally decided to let her help in this mission and Zelena assumes Hades wanted to see her. Both of them are wrong, he just wants to nibble on baby bones.

Zelena begs Belle to give her her baby back, but she’s injured so she can’t chase after Belle when she says she’ll never trust the Wicked Witch and runs off.

In Flashback Oz, Zelena tries to get the munchkins to tell her where Dorothy took the Scarecrow when Hdes interrupts. He knows she’s trying to time travel and he wants in. He says he can help her, but Zelena doesn’t need anyone’s help.

They hear a knock and are surprised to see Zelena at the door. Regina gets excited because she thinks it means her sister is dead, but Zelena says that, despite them making a big freaking deal about it a few episodes ago, it’s actually quite easy to come to the Underworld and stay alive. She doesn’t have time to point out all the flaws in the plot of this show, though (eternity would be too short) and besides, her baby is in danger.

Flashback Hades brings Zelena a cupcake and some exposition: True love’s kiss can restart his heart and get him out of the Underworld for good, but since that seems unlikely, he would like to go back in time and trade places with Zeus.

Belle carries the baby around the Underworld and, in a classic Belle move, heads right for the library. But it’s not a library down here, it’s just the lobby to Hades’s lair. Gold is there, so they talk it out, and Belle learns that Gold opened the portal to steal Zelena’s baby, that Hades forced him to help because Belle is pregnant and Rumple swore away her baby, and that Gold is still the Dark One.

He’s not even a little bit sorry about all of it, saying that he’s both the man and beast and always has been, but she is feeling very nope nope nope about the whole situation. Gold says they can be a happy family if she just chooses it, but Belle says she’s not choosing anything until he cleans up his mess.

Robin Hood, Regina, and Zelena make their way through the woods to look for the thus unnamed child, and Zelena gives Robin Hood a hard time for abandoning their kid to go on a dangerous mission to save a pirate he barely knows.

Regina says that she also once would have never understood the mission they’re on, but her enemies became her friends, her rival became her wife, and her arch nemesis became her mother-in-law, so you just need to open your heart to find happiness.

They find Belle and the baby, and Zelena takes the infant, uses her unpredictable magic and limps away. Once she’s a safe distance away, she realizes her magic hurt her little sweetpea and cries.

In Oz, Hades and Zelena find a bike in the wreckage of Dorothy’s house and flirt and use the bike to find Dorothy’s camp. Zelena freezes Dorothy and steals the Scarecrow’s brain, but Dorothy’s stare is still full of fury. She says that she’ll never be afraid of Zelena, and the Wicked Witch is impressed with her newfound scrappiness.

Zelena says all of Oz will know she failed to protect the Scarecrow and their love for Dorothy Gale of Kansas will be gone, and she will have nothing. Zelena turns to brag to Hades, but he’s gone.

When Regina, Robin, and Belle catch up to Zelena, she’s in a state and begs them to take care of her like she wouldn’t be able to. Regina promises her sister that they’ll protect the baby the best they can.

Back at the Loft, Robin Hood teases us by saying he’s going into the woods with the baby indefinitely, and Henry comes down with new storybook pages that are mostly useless but they give Snow determination to take down Hades, aka what they were supposed to be doing this whole time.

Flashback Hades is waiting for Zelena when she gets back to her castle, and tries to spin a tale of true love, but Zelena says they just met. He doesn’t care though, and leans in to kiss her, but she wants none of that.

She thinks he’s playing her to get to her time travel spell because she can’t wrap her head around the fact that someone could love her. She tells him to leave and he growls at her and threatens her, because male ego so fragile.

Present day Zelena limps up to Hades and he tries to spin more tales of true love. He uses her baby as a manipulation this time and says he’ll be waiting for when she’s ready to choose him back.

SwanQueen Sound Bytes: 0

Emma and Regina did not directly interact with each other at all. Unless I snoozed through it. Which. Possible. She sort of directed the “teenager” comment I’m about to describe toward

Regina but it was also kind of just a general statement.

SwanQueen Screen Time: 1ish

I’ve realized this section can’t be only them in the frame or it will always be empty. So instead, here’s an image of them in the Charming Loft, Underworld Edition, trying to be supportive moms for Henry.

His latest pages for the Storybrooke, but they’re not exactly helpful. When they suggest maybe trying to be useful for once, Henry throws a temper tantrum and storms out. The moms exchange looks as they lament the fact that they have a kid going through the terrible teens on their hands.

Evil Cleavage: 1

Sorry, Regina, Zelena stole the show this week.

Dumbest thing one of the Two Idiots did: Their whole storyline is dumb this episode. They order the two most boring breakfasts in the world, freak out because the Blind Witch knows their order by heart, then suddenly remember they have an infant up in the real Storybrooke. So they use a Londonesque phone booth to sing to their baby through his unicorn mobile, which will probably give him nightmares for all eternity.

Special guests

We have a bunch of guests this week. Young Cora showed her face briefly.

Zelena, of course. Belle actually spoke words for the first time in a while. The Blue Fairy cast some stern but otherwise useless glances.

And of course there’s the criminally underused Emma Caulfield as the Blind Witch.

Sassgina

Zelena gets her wish and beats Regina yet again this week. The sassiest line of the episode didn’t go to Regina for once, but to Zelena, when Belle tried to stand up to her to keep her from stealing her baby and Zelena quipped, “Or what, you’ll smite me with your book learning?”

Mulan sightings

Still nothing. Soon, though. Soon.

As usual, you guys were the best thing about the episode. Here’s this week’s roundup of #queerytales snark:

“Our apartment” I’m going to assume the beard squad is sharing the couch? #queerytales

– Jenny (@TVtrashJen) 4 April 2016

Oh Belle, just give up on Rumple and go adventuring with Ruby and Mulan #queerytales

– Caitlin Block (@IdentityTokens) 4 April 2016

Ugh I feel like I’m being bludgeoned with heterosexuality. #OUAT #queerytales

– The Other Nic (@CloneNic) 4 April 2016

*waiting for Zelina to start singing “Nobody Bring Me No Bad News”* #queerytales #ouat

– Avenger280 (@ChuChu353) 4 April 2016

Hades and the Wicked witch are on a bicycle date. What are we even watching anymore? #queerytales

– Chen Drachman (@shokoshik) 4 April 2016

Surprise Belle. Your douchebag of a husband is still a douchebag. Go find Red and raise the kid together! #queerytales

– Megan O (@BeckettFan) 4 April 2016

Belle….just go find Ruby….#queerytales

– Brandi (@Smooth_Rayne) 4 April 2016

Zelena defeated by Toto? Perhaps she should have blessed the rains down in Africa. #OUAT #queerytales

– Josh (@YankeeJosh) 4 April 2016

Thank Hades he recreated Uhaul in the underworld. Regina: “Our apartment.” #queerytales

– schmemmm (@schmemmm) 4 April 2016

What happened to Dorothy? She she personalityjacked Megara #queerytales

– Jenny (@TVtrashJen) 4 April 2016

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

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