“The Vampire Diaries” recap (7.16): Come Die With Me And Be My Love

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Well, we all knew this was coming, but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. Lesbians on TV have the life expectancy of a gerbil, and when you multiply that by TVD’s tendency to dispose of secondary characters like empty snack food wrappers, Nora and Mary Louise’s days were numbered from the start.

But before we get to the fate of my favorite immortal lesbian vampire witches, let’s remind ourselves what happened before the show’s month-long hiatus: We’ve now officially caught up with the flash-forwards and are three years in the future. Damon’s spent the intervening time desiccating because he’s too sad to live without Elena, and Stefan has spent it trying to evade Rayna’s reluctant attempts to kill him. He’s marked, so she can’t just let him live, but it’s possible for her to transfer her mark to someone else–and Damon volunteered.

In the future that is now the present, Damon and Rayna need Stefan to call Valerie, so she can do the copy-and-paste spell on Stefan’s scar. I don’t see why, if Damon and Rayna are on the same side here, they even need Stefan to agree–can’t they just vervain him, do the spell, and then Damon can be nice and killed before Stefan even regains consciousness? It’s hard to imagine Valerie protesting a plan that will prolong Stefan’s life while ending Damon’s. Anyway, Damon’s dying of werewolf venom, so why not get some points for heroism on his way out?

 tvd 16.1You can transfer my scar, but God help you if you try to transfer my hair product.

When Damon goes to grab Stefan’s phone, his baby brother kicks his poison-weakened ass all the way across the room. Damon chokes Rayna unconscious so Stefan can get some distance before she’s on his tail again, but as she’s passing out she shoots him.

tvd 16.2This isn’t what it looks like. It’s perfectly normal for mortal enemies to fall asleep in each other’s arms wearing matching outfits.

Three years ago, Valerie’s helping Stefan plan for life on the run. He’s packing plenty of expensive whiskey, because his newly limited lifespan makes him feel “human again.” He plans to get as drunk as possible in his precious few remaining moments on the mortal coil. Valerie offers to hit the road with him, because she goes where the good booze is.

Back in the present, Nora and Mary Louise are prisoners at the Armory. Alex offers to reunite Nora with her love if she helps the magical secret agents find and kill Enzo.

tvd 16.3You had me at “kill Enzo.”

She’s pissed at him because she’s pretty sure he’s the one who freed Rayna. And she knows she can count on Nora to hunt him down, because that’s the only way Mary Louise gets the antidote to the poison the mad scientists have been forcing down her throat.

tvd 16.4I’m going to get you out of here, and then we are going to marathon the fuck out of Orange is the New Black.

Damon comes to on the newsroom floor, where Rayna is stitching herself up in preparation to chase Stefan again. She’d much rather kill Damon, but the sword wants what the sword wants. Plus, she’s down to one normal human lifespan–meaning even if Damon manages to elude her for the rest of her life, he’s going to die of Rayna’s old age right around the time that Elena wakes up from her 70-year nap.

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