Archive

“The Family” recap (1.3): Screw it: We’re Taking Over This Show

OK, so spoiler: Omnisexual Lesbian Lifestyle Blogger Bridey managed to get even more disappointing this week in spite of all the salacious non-straight-lady titles she has. So we’re drafting Detective Nina Meyer, because when it comes to police work she is awesome, and Willa, who is rapidly becoming the most interesting character on the show. Also, they keep making sure we know that Willa is religious and repressed and doesn’t date, which means this show is going to reveal her as a lesbian sooner or later. Given the suckfire that the treatment of Bridey has been thus far, I can’t imagine it’s going to be handled well, so let’s at least get out ahead of it.

It’s 10 years ago, and John is our voiceover that opens and closes the show this week. He asks if you’ve ever done something you can’t undo, so you tear yourself apart. Because he has. Present John finds Maybe-Adam reading John’s book about dealing with grief after Adam’s, um, death. Maybe-Adam asks why John was so sure he was dead and why he stopped looking for him because he was waiting. Past John is confronted by Willa, who asks him, “Did you do it?” but without any context beyond them both being really really nervous.

Present Willa and Maybe-Adam are having a good time reading a comic book. She wants Danny to stay sober for the Big Interview that could get Claire the endorsement and picks out homey throw pillows for the couch.

And then she trims her nails real short, because even though Willa may not have come into her own yet, she understands courtesy. John hilariously seems to be setting up a flag in the front hall.

Nina Meyer is asking who would know about the tunnels that the Bad Man kept Maybe-Adam in. Turns out anyone who worked in the oil refinery. The pregnant refinery woman establishes that Meyer has no kids because, you know, Career Lady. It’s also because she’s thinking about moving to a more queer-friendly city—Red Pines can only support one lesbian lifestyle blogger, after all—and doesn’t want to uproot any kids she has with her eventual life partner.

The new FBI guy, Agent Clements, is heading Meyer’s case now. We were worried he was going to be a jerk, but he tells Meyer to stick around and worry about testifying awkwardness later. He wants her on this case because she knows it well and he knows awesome when he sees it. We hear that the fire in the tunnel means there are no prints or DNA in the tunnel. The tunnel didn’t look like a very print-friendly place anyway, but OK.

Meyer and Clements want Maybe-Adam to revisit the scene. Claire is so not into it. Meyer wants to trigger a memory; Claire wants to protect him from old memories. John says Claire wants to protect her interview. Maybe-Adam suddenly shouts that he wants to go. OK, then.

Whoa! As they’re leaving, Clements totally busts Detective Meyer on sleeping with John. He tells her that FBI guys are totes perceptive. She says that queer characters like we have decided she is are too often portrayed as hypersexual, so she is calling off that affair immediately and starting an appropriate app-based search for a loving, committed relationship with someone who is physically and emotionally available. Anyway, says Clements, child murderers usually turn out to be someone in the family.

Ten years ago, Nina and another cop ask about John getting caught on stoplight cameras that prove he left the rally for over an hour. So what was he doing? Past Claire has big doubts. Past Claire asks Past John what the hell and he says he went to get fliers, and he turned on the game and drank a beer. She says it sounds like a made-up alibi. Past Willa listens to their fight and prays. Claire accuses John of not wanting Adam back. John takes umbrage.

Back in the present, we’re all at the tunnel, waiting for Adam to go in (and maybe flip out). Meyer says they’re still processing evidence down there. So why are we bringing people in to tromp around? C’mon, Meyer, you’re supposed to be our rock here.

Present Hank gets distracted watching a group of boys play with a puppy—yikes—and tells a woman who answers the door he’s standing at that he wants to buy a puppy. Ew, ew, ew. The lady has him climb into a big pen to pick his puppy. She says to let the puppy pick him as Hank gets incredibly happy-creepy. Or creepy-happy. Anyway, it’s disturbing.

Maybe-Adam gives everyone the grand tour of the tunnel, showing where he used to sleep and go to the bathroom. He says he used to get hamburgers and fries “about once every seven sleeps,” which does not at all feel like a believable way for him to describe something that happened about once a week, even if he was eight and had no calendar. You know that seven nights is a week when you’re eight. Anyway, the food was unwrapped, so there were no logos, but the food was warm. The investigators know it’s a lead.

Hank sits happily amongst the puppies, which love him like he just gave them prime rib. And, truthfully, I love all domestic quadrupeds and have dearly adored some dogs in my day, but situations like this are where cats have it all over dogs. Because we have bred dogs to be like “You’re vaguely human-shaped? OMG I LOVE YOU THE MOST AND FOREVER,” and cats are like “You want it? Earn it.” And once you have earned it, cats will indeed yield moments of If you attack one of my humans I will end you!. It’s just with a little more discretion.

Maybe-Adam asks for a minute alone in his tunnel. And obviously the cops say no, because it is an active crime scene and the whole point is for them to be watching him. Ha ha, no! They’re all like “Sure, be alone here! Go nuts!” Maybe-Adam lies down as Hank ecstatically lies down with the puppies and this is the second time they have made a point of doing parallel shots of a probable child molester and a boy who was probably molested and what the hell? Like are we trying to get at something here, or are we just being edgy? Adam pulls out a loose brick exactly like you knew he would and then takes out a key. Good evidence handling all around, everyone! How about we all go down into the tunnel and lick the walls now?

Past John asks Past Meyer if she thinks he killed his son. He wants a warrant for Hank and he wonders if Meyer thinks he, John, is lying. She thinks John loves his son so much he’s drowning. They make intimate coffee mug finger contact and Meyer immediately re-thinks that course of action because she is ours now. Present John drinks coffee and Claire asks him what it was like in the hole. He says Adam set it up like the layout of their house. But in a smaller space.

Willa and Claire talk to a Republican strategist who has talking points for Claire and tells her what colors to wear. Claire hates this and plays the “my kid was kept in a bunker” card and walks out of the meeting. Willa assures the RNC lady that Claire will knock her interview out of the park and leaves to go watch old episodes of Xena: Warrior Princess. The RNC lady pissies away. She’s not feeling stoked about Claire’s candidacy.

Bridey is at the DNA lab. She’s incognito, pretending to be a grad student, so she’s wearing a big floppy hat. I wish I were making that up.

She asks how that DNA test worked since it doesn’t quite seem to be what they do there. The lab tech says he’s not supposed to talk about that. Dun-dun-dun! Bridey says it would be super helpful if he would tell her and then looks pretty at the lab guy. Bridey comes home, and there’s Danny. How does he recognize her in her floppy hat? And now Bridey is in a bath with Danny, and he’s shaving her legs at what looks like the absolute most nickable possible angle.

Danny says he’s not drinking, so he needs sex. Are we sure that Bridey knows how any kind of sex works after that leg-shaving thing?

Bridey says a clean house is a misspent life. Listen carefully to that line, because it’s meant to excuse the ridiculous plot point that happens next: Danny goes to check a message from Maybe-Adam and sees the NEWSPAPER CLIPPINGS BRIDEY LEFT OUT ON HER NIGHT STAND and also John’s book is right there and so is her Tribune press badge. Danny has one million flashbacks of her lying to him. For real, show? We’re making Bridey’s whole character a generic Sneaky Bisexual and she is this bad at being sneaky? I call foul. We’re busting her down to straight and her name is now Bad Reporter.

Anyway, Bad Reporter is really, really bad at this. She gets out of the tub and is bewildered to see that Danny is gone.

Ten years ago, we see that Past Willa is definitely the one who planted the ship in a bottle in Hank’s drawer. John busts her coming back from Hank’s house. She says they know who did this, and then says significantly “And it wasn’t. You.” Damn, Young Willa. Young Willa asks John for her allowance so she can get the new Sleater-Kinney album.

Present Claire is lightly hammered and tells Willa she found Danny’s secret stash. Willa says they need this endorsement from the RNC lady. Claire doesn’t care because she’s feeling guilty that she got to have normal showers and things while her boy was trapped in a windowless hole. Willa says that potential endorsers want to know she can win. Claire is over politics for the moment and wonders what this gets her. Willa says this gets Claire power, and power can protect other kids. Much like Xena.

Meyer and Clements can’t find any useful tire tracks. Clements asks if Meyer has kids and she’s annoyed because people ask women in powerful jobs that loaded question like 87 times a day, but this time Clements means it differently. He actually says its better if you don’t, because then you’re thinking about the case instead of thinking about it like a parent. Hey! Some tire tracks!

Craggy Man drives up to a house in his big ol’ muddy truck. He walks in to scary, scary music. A pregnant woman is in the kitchen. Is she barefoot? Back at headquarters, we learn that yes, the suspicious tire tracks are from a Ram truck just like Craggy man’s. Meyer and Clements want to link the tracks to vehicle records for the oil refinery employees. Ooh, realistic, tedious police work!

Lest Meyer’s day get too good, Clements pointedly asks about the 911 call that allowed her to bypass a warrant and get into Hank’s house. The caller reported screaming in the house, but there wasn’t any screaming once Nina got there. We flash back to Willa asking a panting John, “Daddy, did you do it?” Yeah, he did. And now they wait.

We see Nina Meyer responding to the call by the 911 operator. Hank looks at the ship in a bottle that he was dumb enough to pick right up and get his prints all over. Nina comes in with her flashlight and catches him right there, holding it.

Present Nina plays the old 911 call, and it’s totally John calling. He gives Hank’s exact address but not his own name. Present John points out that Nina needed to get into Hank’s house, and he really thought Hank did it. Meyer is understandably furious that she got tricked into framing someone. She thought what she was doing was right. Meyer points out that John framing Hank is what kept Adam in that hole for so long. She tells him to get out of her sight. And then she fires up some Tegan and Sara.

Danny is rifling Willa’s room for Adam’s dental records, and she lies that Claire wanted them. Danny says Adam isn’t back. Willa is pissed that Danny left her alone to handle everything at 13. She asks him not to screw up the interview.

It’s the interview! The family sits in a stiff row on a couch. Claire is wearing red like the RNC woman advised. The interviewer, who is up on the fact that their supposedly murdered family member just came back after years of horrific abuse, asks how everyone is doing. Bad Reporter watches the apparently live interview from her office because she is a bad reporter. Danny lies that it’s like Adam never left.

Clements says they have names and addresses of Ram truck owners. I’m sure Dodge is delighted with this product placement.

Back at the interview, Claire gets asked if she’s OK to run amidst all this trauma and Willa gives Claire her don’t-screw-up look. Claire says she’s not OK; she’s changed forever. Bad Reporter watches. Claire says this experience that has strengthened her and there are monsters all around us and we need to protect ourselves. Claire ON THE AIR mentions that Hank, though not guilty of this particular murder, is a convicted sex offender and someone in the booth helpfully pops a picture of Hank up in a corner of the screen.

Present Hank is just getting his puppy when the dog woman’s kid sees he’s a sex offender and an accused child molester. Claire advocates chipping child molesters like dogs. The dog woman takes the puppy back from Hank.

OK, just one goddamned minute here. I am not faulting Andrew McCarthy for his performance because that’s his job. But this show has repeatedly gone out of its way to give a nuanced and often sympathetic portrait of Hank. Viewers are supposed to feel bad for him at times, even though we know that he had child porn on his computer, so at a minimum he has supported child porn rings that take children for the purpose of producing it. We, the viewers, are supposed to think about Hank as a feeling human being and the show is pushing us to look at him in complex ways. It has even thrown in a deeply uncomfortable “born this way” argument while Meyer was interrogating him.

So why the everloving fuck are we getting this bullshit shallow 1983 treatment of Bad Reporter? We really couldn’t think for 10 minutes about the character? Or ask even one queer woman about tired, played out stereotypes that routinely ruin entertainment for us? If only there were, say, an entire freaking website where one could research how lesbian and bi characters are treated in pop culture and find out how real-life lesbians and bi women feel about it.

Bad Reporter hears Claire talk about microchips and remembers that the lab tech talked about trackable microchips too. Maybe she’ll put on some sunglasses as a disguise and sleep with him. Bad Reporter says that if Claire’s plan for tracking sex offenders gets support, the lab that mysteriously did Adam’s DNA test could make millions. Hmm. Worth faking a DNA hit over? Gus tells Bad Reporter to work her source. She says she doesn’t have one anymore.

Claire tells the interviewer she stayed in politics to make a difference, but she has experienced trauma, and she won’t lie and pretend that she’s OK. And then she storms out.

Past John answers a late-night call from Nina Meyer. She tells him that Hank confessed, which he passes along to Past Claire. Claire apologizes to John and says she never really thought he murdered his son. It’s not hugely convincing.

Present John compliments Claire on being honest during the interview. He joking-but-not-really-joking hopes it tanks her campaign. Willa runs in to say that #MamaBear is trending. And then she scolds Claire for not letting Willa in on the brilliant getting-emotional-and-storming-out plan. She says she needs to know if Claire is going to go rogue. Claire tells Willa not to be so cynical, but we do not feel her sincerity. If only Willa could find some way to relax.

Hank puts a puppy pen out by his garbage—dude, go to a freaking shelter—and sees John putting out his ordinary trash. Sure, why not give us a moment to empathize with Hank? Oh, and could Bad Reporter be dancing on a bar during Spring Break somewhere?

Willa undresses for bed and to see if her Zoie Palmer tattoo is healing up all right. Aiiiieee, she catches Maybe-Adam spying on her. Ew ew ew.

Bad Reporter’s bad reporting notes say “DNA doc dead. Lab in Warrens pocket.” Danny shows up to say he has a story for her.

Police cars pull up to houses with Ram trucks, lights flashing. It’s a little vigorous for the narrowing-down part of the investigation but OK.

Willa confronts Maybe-Adam for watching her undress. He says she knows he didn’t mean to. Does she? She says he can’t do that because she’s his sister and he says “I know.” And then she tells him that even if she turns out not to be his sister, she’s also going to turn out to not be into dudes, and Maybe-Adam says “We all know.” Maybe-Adam, alone again, looks at the key he recovered and did not mention to the 3,000 people investigating his case.

Meyer tells Clements that he’s wrong: You need empathy to investigate well. Cases aren’t just puzzles; they involve people. The Bad Man will screw up, and that’s how they’ll get him.

Craggy Man shows his preggo ladyfriend a brand-new car. The truck is getting crushed in a junkyard car masher, which won’t erase the fact that he owned it. This is a bad plan.

OK, so Bad Reporter was extra bad at reporting and at LGBT representation this week, but thank goodness queer lady characters Meyer and Willa are there to be their complex, nuanced selves for us!

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button