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“Pretty Little Liars” recap (6.19): “Bitch Can Drive”

Welcome to this week’s recap of Pretty Little Liars, the show that keeps trying to make Sara Harvey happen. She’s not going to happen.

We pick up right where we left off, with Mona telling Emily that she called Charlotte from the Counting Crows diner and asked to meet up. Apparently Mona wanted some face time with Charlotte to suss out her post-release plans: would she spill everyone’s secrets? Would she seek bloody revenge? Would she finally go on that Birthright Israel trip she’s been putting off? Mona never got any answers, because Charlotte never showed.

Why would Charlotte choose Israel Outdoors? She hates white water rafting!

Because she wants to ride a camel through the Bedouin desert, you bitch!

Emily shares this info with Spencer and Aria, who is now sporting the tiniest, most fashionable bandage on her burned arm. Spencer also calls Mona “free range,” like she’s a delicious chicken instead of a delicious goddess.

Spencer has more to say, but the cognitive dissonance of Aria’s shirt/skirt combo is hurting her brain

Hanna is with Lucas, who is troubleshooting his murder loft. Jordan wants her to return to New York because plot tension, but Hanna needs to stay in Rosewood to keep an eye on her BBQ’d friends. She also brought Lucas some ties and matching instructions, which is for real what I wish someone would do with my entire closet. I dress like a colorblind 13-year-old boy. Lucas tells Hanna he’s investing his billions in Rosewood by buying up some abandoned ice cream/mask factories on the edge of town.

Should not have had those three mimosas before breakfast

Ready to be nauseated? Ali and Rollins are reveling in their honeymoon bangfest at a small town bed and breakfast. Ali just wants to sit by a pond and read poetry, but fate has other plans as she takes a tumble down the stairs. She wakes up in the hospital with a concussion, wondering why she just can’t have one goddamn weekend of peace without nearly dying/being buried alive/stabbed in a flophouse. Rollins assures her it was just an accident, which is proof that he’s never seen this show.

What do you mean this hospital doesn’t have a bar?!

Ali texts the Liars about her fall, and everyone starts freaking out. This new A has already sizzled Aria, stolen Emily’s eggs, and majorly fucked with Spencer’s sex life. They have three days until the election, and A wants a culprit! The Liars still think Mona is involved, but Hanna defends her former BFF, who ran her over with an SUV. That is the definition of a ride or die friendship right there.

Hanna, we know you’re secretly in love with Mona. Jordan knows. Your mom knows. Everyone knows.

Whelp, I’ve already got a wedding dress and a date. Let’s get this lesbian wedding party started.

Guys, I can’t even recap this Ezra/Aria writer storyline. Every scene is them blowing each other over how good their writing is, and it’s honestly the worst thing this show has ever done to us. We even get a cheesy flashback to Ezra and Nicole’s final moments. To summarize: Nicole was saving some people and blowing off a romantic trip with Ezra, he throws a mantrum and leaves, she dies. Ezra is the worst, the end.

Hanna visits Ali in the hospital, who tells her that the honeymoon is now over, and they’re coming back to Rosewood. Rollins has filled the hospital room with flowers, and one of the bouquets has a get well card with stairs on the front. Inside the card are emojis of all the Liars, with the injured ones’ faces crossed out. This sort of thing would be creepy with dolls. Emojis? Notsomuch. If you had told me three months ago that rampant emoji use would ruin an entire season of television, I would have laughed in your face. Oh, how stupid I was. How stupid we all were.

From Hallmark’s “Sorry a Maniac Made You Fall Down the Stairs” card line

Even in emoji threats, Ali is still on top of the pyramid

Back in Rosewood, Spencer receives a video chat from Emily. Sadly, it’s the kind of chat we were all rooting for. Emily is spying on Mona and Sara Harvey’s driver, chatting it up on the one park bench in Rosewood that everyone can see. Spencer joins Emily, and they stake out the driver as he leaves city hall with a mysterious poster tube. What’s in the tube?! Is it a new pair of hands?! Is it another, slightly smaller tube?! The tube-shaped possibilities are endless!

And a hetero hello to you, good sir!

Spencer and Emily fake a fender bender and go full on ditzy girl flirt mode to distract the driver and rifle through his tube. That sounds gross. But flirtatious Emily is irresistible, like a tractor beam of hotness, and Spencer is able to peep the contents of said tube: It’s Radley blueprints and a room key.

I think we’re all ignoring the real crime here: Spencer’s choice of pants

Emily follows Driver to an ice cream truck, where he buys some ice cream and hands off the tube to Sara Harvey…who is driving a fucking car. She doesn’t even need a driver! Bitch can drive! I’m no hand doctor, but I’m pretty sure if the bitch can drive, the bitch can text. Also, I’m pretty sure this storyline would be a million times more interesting if they replaced Sara Harvey with Jenna. Or Melissa. Or literally anyone.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for a better storyline

Hanna storms back into Rosewood and shows Caleb the emoji card of impending death. She’s had all she can stand, and she can’t stand no more: it’s time for an ill-conceived and extremely self-incriminating Hanna Marin plan! She tells Caleb that she wants to call A’s bluff and give them a killer.

Spencer comes home to find Haleb waiting for her, where Hanna gives her a long confession about stalking Charlotte into the church, stabbing her with a candlestick, dragging her lifeless body up to the bell tower, and tossing her off. It’s a pretty convincing delivery if you ignore the fact that A) candlesticks aren’t knives and B) Hanna doesn’t have the upper body strength to drag Charlotte up a giant flight of stairs to the bell tower. But man, can she deliver! Spencer buys it until Hanna reveals that it’s a false confession to trick A. Spencer is like, what the actual fuck.

I killed Charlotte in the dining room with a lead pipe.

OMG are you Miss Scarlett?!

Haleb runs the plan by the rest of the Liars, and Emily is upset that Hanna is basically acting as bait. She turns to Spencer, who is all out of fucks and all into a glass of merlot as she watches the good ship Haleb hold hands and plan together like they did in the good old days. Emily is where she always is: once again hamstrung by hetero drama. Emily is so at the end of her rope that she calls Aria and tells her to come clean to Ezra and bring him into the fold. Like that will help anything. Oh, and they need Toby too. It’s a regular ex-boyfriend convention. Meanwhile, Paige sits by her phone in Palo Alto, grappling hook at the ready.

Spencer, what do you think?

I think this Costco wine is actually pretty good. Wait, what are we talking about?

Spencer sits on the sidelines, more interested in her vino than in hatching a convoluted plan. Girl, what are you doing? You LIVE for convoluted plans! Instead, we get a flashback to her and Caleb in Spain. Not gonna lie, it’s pretty sexy. Maybe it’s the lighting. Maybe it’s the fact that Spencer is wearing lingerie as clothes. I don’t know. Did they fuck in Spain? It sure seems like it.

You can’t spell “tapas” without T and A

Haleb shows up at the loft and are greeted by a fireball of doom. Just kidding, it’s Lucas testing the murder loft. He is too excited to see Caleb, and tells him that they should “do lunch.” Sure bro. Once Caleb leaves, Lucas shows Hanna his plans for the abandoned factories: he’s going to turn them into research and development things for tax reasons or something. He asks Hanna what she would do with unlimited money, and she tells him her dream is to design her own brand and launch a company. He offers her seed money, something he assures her no one else can offer. Then Freeform gives us #SugarDaddyLucas, and I throw up in my mouth a little bit. Really guys? Really? Hanna declines his indecent proposal, but he promises that the offer still stands.

Why won’t you blindly accept a million dollars from me and come live in this abandoned factory that is definitely not being retro-fitted for a new dollhouse?

Sorry bro, still not gonna fuck you

Ali is asleep in the hospital when she is visited by the ghost of Jessica DiLaurentis. Hey girl hey! She assures Ali that everything will be fine, and Rollins will protect her. Oh, Ali. Don’t take love advice from a woman who had an affair with Peter Hastings!

And just remember honey: never bury a body without making sure it’s dead!

That’s swell advice, mom!

Meanwhile, Mona meets up with Sara Harvey, who is hiding in alleyways and dressing like a lesbian dreamboat. She tells Sara to leave the Liars alone, and Sara taunts her for never regaining the Liars’ trust. Then Sara walks away as if there was ANY POSSIBLE WAY that she would have the last word over Mona fucking Vanderwaal. God, I hope Mona runs her over with an SUV.

Did someone leave the shower running? Bc it’s about to get steamy

Your mere presence dries my vagina

Haleb gathers the Liars and Ezra and tells them that, no matter what, they’re going through with this plan. Caleb even tells them that it isn’t a democracy, which leads me to assume it’s a cheerocracy? They set the plan into motion, i.e. Hanna texts A that she’s the killer. We’re then treated to what is perhaps the wackiest montage PLL has ever done: the letters of her text break up into ones and zeroes and fly through the air and into the night, bouncing off satellites and cell towers, zooming through cords and wires, until it reaches A’s cell phone. And the whole thing is set to Blondie’s “Call Me.”

Hey, did you guys ever wonder how texts work? WELL YOU’RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT BITCHES

A gets the text, and we see that their screensaver is Veronica Hastings for Senate. Cute.

Next week it’s the Season 6 finale, where we will (possibly) find out the identity of Charlotte’s killer and someone has a twin because they hashtagged #TwinOnPLL. Who has a twin?! Is it Charlotte? Ali? Aria? Tippi?!

Thanks as always to my #RecappingTwin Nicole aka @PLLBigA. Tweet me your twin theories @ChelseaProcrast.

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