Previously on Rizzoli & Isles: Jane decides to move closer to Maura. Korsak proposed to Kiki. Jane worries Maura will be expecting a proposal soon, too.
You know how you can always tell when a show is shot on a studio lot or real setting? The streets and buildings are always too clean on a studio lot. No matter how much they try to scuff up the studio lot, it still just ends up looking like distressed furniture—an expensive replica of the real thing. Anyway, two dudes with guns have a shootout in an obviously fake Boston street, which will soon precipitate our Murder of the Week call to Jane and Maura.
Jane is having her morning coffee at Maura’s. I don’t even know why I type this anymore; it’s just a given. But this morning is a little different because Jane notices with concern that Maura is on her second—make that third—cup of coffee. Maura says she was up last night, and Mama Rizzoli asks if she was “working or dating?” Ewww, Mama R—please leave a little something to the imagination between your daughter and daughter-in-law.
Maura was working on a poem for her writing class. You see, Maura’s therapist recommended she express her inexpressible feelings about having to keep her relationship with Jane secret in rhyming couplets. Maura says she is “really struggling” with the assignment. Jane says to “keep it simple,” and offers up a naughty limerick. See, ladies, doing this sort of stuff in front of her is probably why Mama R doesn’t have proper boundaries about your relationship.
Maura sneezes and Mama R is on it right away. She starts preparing a home remedy involving orange peels and garlic cloves. Is this a real thing? As a person who is still recovering from a vicious bug that took me out for over a week, I can attest to the desperation that might cause a person to shove something weird like that into their ear. Maura complies because apparently we caught the same thing.
Jane is annoyed because this means her girlfriend won’t be able to hear her bickering as well. In fact, she won’t be able to hear anything as well. When the office does call with the M.o.t.W., Maura tries to answer with her signature “Isles.” But the phone is to her orangey-garlicky ear. Jane rolls her eyes because that’s what you do when your loved one is being a totally adorable dope.
Jane has broken out her Aviators of Sexy Justice for the case. This will make up for the fact that Maura is reciting back whatever she is told like badly heard song lyrics. Like, ‘xcuse me while I kiss this guy.
Once back at the lab, Jane continues to full-throatedly tease Maura about being a fruit. I mean, sorry, putting fruit in her ears. Uh, that’s basically the same thing, right? Maura tells her the fruity remedy worked. See, being more open about your fruit status is healthy. Shh, I know I’m stretching a metaphor.
Their search for the unknown shooting victim takes them back to the fake neighborhood where they knock on the door of a woman people think is his mother. The door opens to reveal she is a masseuse and currently with a client—a very big, very hairy client. Jane takes one look and thanks her lucky stars for her homosexuality.
The lady tells them to talk to my ass, which automatically means she is Jane’s kind of woman. No, not like that; she has Maura. But you could see the two of them knocking back a couple brews and complaining about boy cooties.
Jane goes to see Maura who wants to talk about radioactive isotopes. Girl, you’d better stop. You know what that does to your lady. Speaking of things that are too hot to handle (I know, audible groan), Maura has a fever. Smug Kent notices and goes into Oddly Suggestive Caregiver Kent mode. He asks her if she wants to try something hot that she’s never done before. That weird noise you heard was gay ladies everywhere scrunching their faces up in a frown.
The team discovers the unknown shooting victim is a teen who was indeed living with the salty masseuse, who is his aunt. So they set up a stakeout around her apartment on the very fake city street. This gives Jane and Korsak time to talk about his—and her future—retirement plans. They also swap crazy cop stories, which gives Bruce McGill a change to make yet another Animal House reference. Aw, Brucey, don’t worry, we all remember you were D-Day. Man, we’re all gonna miss this when it’s over.
Back at the lab, Maura is all wrapped up. (Yes, I know—another audible groan.) Maura has submitted herself to Oddly Suggestive Caregiver Kent’s Bedouin remedy. He has swaddled her into what can only accurately be described as a Maur-rito.
Beside her fever and the case, our little Maur-rito is worried about her creative writing assignment. She can’t figure out what the instructor wants for the “Opposite of Me” assignment. Hey, you know how some people have trouble seeing what’s right in front of them? Yep, that’s Maura. The opposite of you, honey, is Jane. And that’s why you two are the perfect LLBFFs.
Back on the stakeout, Frankie is hanging out in the apartment of an attractive art grad student who thinks he looks like Montgomery Cliff. Ah, I see, they’re reinforcing the show’s opposites attract aesthetic. We get it, thanks.
All this stakeout free time also gives Jane the chance to talk out her future anxiety about her and Maura’s post-retirement future with Korsak. She tells him Maura wants to retire to Maine to become Angela Fletcher. But Korsak pushes her and asks if she could be content all holed up in a remote New England cabin with her. Let’s face it, we all know Jane would eventually get bored doing nothing there and then become sheriff of said tiny Maine town.
Maur-rito is still bundled up and begins to lesbian fever dream. Naturally, her mind drifts to Jane. They’re in the lab, and Jane is pressing her (not like that, decorum please) about the evidence.
This leads her to think about the boots, which leads to them all wearing comically oversized boots. And you know what they say about a lesbian who wears big boots, right? You know, if you replace the “t” at the end with a “b,” I bet Freud would have a bunch to say about this.
The Maur-rito wakes from her sartorial nightmare with a start with a revelation about the evidence. Handy, those lesbian fever dreams. The next morning Jane calls to check in on her (awww). She gets a little melancholy about Korsak’s somewhat pending retirement, and then naturally starts to fret about Maura’s own retirement.
Jane is rather gloomy because she knows one day Maura will tell her they’re moving to a podunk town in Maine to write novels. Jane pretends she isn’t going and will miss her. But Maura is like, puh-lease, we all know she is taking Jane with her (a verbatim quote) or having her visit all the time (also a verbatim quote). At this point, I can only assume the writers are maintaining the thinnest pretense of a merely platonic friendship because they lost a bet.
Jane agrees and makes Maura promise to get a place with a basketball court. I mean, come on, why not just make it a softball field and be done with it, writers?
Oddly Suggestive Caregiver Kent finds Maura out of her burrito the next morning and feeling chipper. She tells him about her wild lesbian fever dream which, now that I think about it, is probably a violation of workplace sexual harassment policy.
On the case, the stakeout finally turns up the shooting victim. They try to turn him state’s witness, but then the obvious happens. The Latvian mob comes in with their lawyer and whisks him away. I’ll skip all the needless subterfuge and handwringing, because that’s what happens.
Oddly Suggestive Caregiver Kent becomes Oddly Nosey Kent when he starts reading Maura’s in-progress poem out lout. Can I just tell you how much I HATE IT WITH A FIERY PASSION when someone reads my stuff out loud before it’s done? So in my mind, it would be fully justifiable for Maura to scalpel him in the eyes at this point.
Instead, she takes a less aggressive approach and asks him what he thinks. He calls it structurally perfect but artistically dreadful. Seriously, we traded Susie for him? But I will agree with him—begrudgingly—that Maura needs to let her heart write more than her head. Mostly I agree because I’m pretty sure this will lead to some pretty lyrical descriptions of Jane’s jet-black tresses.
Maura’s big boots fever dream leads them to the discovery of some hydraulic fluid which leads them to a salvage yard which leads them to the shooting victim who is about to be smooshed in a very unpleasant way. This leads to a police vs. mob shoot out which will inevitably lead to another paid administrative leave/romantic getaway time for Jane and Maura. And the victim is saved from the smoosher. Then Korsak calls Jane a badass who is secretly a mushball inside and we all nod and agree.
Hey, who started inviting Kent to our Big Gayzzoli Endings? He comes in with his special homemade green-afro growing spa water mixture and stories about the medicinal properties of snail mucus. See, now this is why we have to vet people before we let them be in the B.G.E. scene better.
Maura has skipped her writing class for the evening, but ever the good student she has completed her assignment. She had decided to write about qualities in others she admires. So she allows Kent to read it out loud.
Jane naturally thinks each one is about her and puppy dogs when they aren’t. But the first one is about Angela. And the second one is about Korsak (take that, Smug Kent). But then, then he gets to the Jane stanza.
Maura calls Jane her fierce defender who is witty and there is is no parting with because their bond is always there. In short she is her gift. So, yeah, Maura wrote Jane a damn love poem. They exchange meaningful eye sex, with the real thing surely to follow. Then the gang gleefully throws fruit at each other because that symbolism never gets old.
And now onto your #gayzzoli tweets of the week. So we’re all planning romantic weekends to Maine and writing each other lesbian love poems now, right?
Jane is sporting the Aviators of Magnificent Butchness 🙂 #gayzzoli
– Tammy (@ChuChu353) March 2, 2016
i mean this can’t be the first time jane and maura have screamed at each other if ya know what i mean #gayzzoli
– jordyn (@maurasdorthea) March 2, 2016
#gayzzoli Dear God Frankie has met a woman..I’m taking wagers on if she’s a lesbian? Or a criminal cause we all know his luck w/ the ladies
– Jonta Davis (@jonidavell) March 2, 2016
Find a woman you love to work with and you’ll never work another day in your life #gayzzoli
– Una Marble (@unamarble) March 2, 2016
Maura basically told Jane that they’ll be together in the future and live together and this is couple behavior #RizzoliandIsles #Gayzzoli
– Sasha’s tiny cupcake (@leoniekathy) March 2, 2016
Maura and Jane are just going to be moving to Storybrooke #RizzoliandIsles #Gayzzoli
– Laura (@lfiscal) March 2, 2016
“Hey Maura, you’re on speaker, so don’t say anything mushy. Save that for later.” #gayzzoli #rizzoliandisles
– LyricalAlchemy (@LyricalAlchemy) March 2, 2016
Everyone else’s vests go right up to the bases of their necks. Jane’s is more like a bullet proof tank top. WTF? #RizzoliandIsles #gayzzoli
– Kristen (@hachiemachie) March 2, 2016
She dreams about her, can’t live without her and writes poetry about her. Nope not gay at all. #gayzzoli
– MJ (@__blurredlines) March 2, 2016
To recap, Maura wrote their wedding vows and promised Jane a basketball court. #gayzzoli
– kbenchilada (@kabensi) March 2, 2016
“She’s not just my friend.She is a gift. Both precious & rare” #Gayzzoli is real. #Rizzles
– Melvistica (@NoTasselElvis) March 2, 2016
Maybe someday we will even get a kiss. #gayzzoli
– Shane Solo (@ShaneTashaARF) March 2, 2016
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