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“The Fosters” recap (3.16): Stefing up 101

Previously on The Fosters, Jesus went looking for his birth dad only to learn that Gabe is a sex offender and doesn’t want anything to do with Jesus because he values his freedom. Mariana won the role of Juliet in Brandon and Mat’s “rock opera.” Callie picked a fight with Rita over the foster care bill and smooched AJ. Monte helped mini-Lena, aka Sally, with her senior project, and Jude was inexplicably missing, and no one seemed to notice.

Those who can’t do, teach amirite?

The dream kitchen, breakfast time: Stef freaks out when Mariana almost spills on her emotional intelligence class materials. Everyone assumes Stef is taking a class to help her stop Stefing up all the time, but no the jokes on them because she’s teaching the class. Brandon shows everyone the poster Mat designed for their play and everyone oohs and ahhs over it. Oh, but the fun doesn’t stop there because Mike is out of town, so AJ is going to be staying over. Callie tells the moms that she and AJ are kinda dating. The moms look at each other like “Can this child not find a boy to date who isn’t family or family-adjacent?” For a straight girl, Callie sure likes to date in her friend group like a big old lesbo.

Jesus doesn’t have a first-period class, so he takes advantage of the empty house to mix some of his moms’ vodka with OJ. He puts some water back in the vodka bottle and skips off to class. At school, Callie and Brandon have a typically awkward discussion about how they are dating other people now, it’s no biggie or whatever.

Steve Sanders wants to know if Mariana is still mad about the drag racing and almost getting them killed. She is. She calls him a douche and tells him he has no emotional intelligence. Mariana is truly the best. Remember when she was terrible? Character development for the win!

Appropriate? You keep using that work. I do not think you know what it means.

Lena and Monte are meeting in Lena’s office. Is it weird that they meet in there? Doesn’t the principal usually trump the vice principal? I assume that Monte likes the role reversal or something. Anywhoodle, Lena makes a snarky remark about Monte getting the plants donated for Sally and Monte says, “I am totally backing off, so there are no indications of me doing anything wrong.” We’ll come back to that later. She has no problem with Brandon rehearsing in the auditorium but, some people have a problem with Romeo and Juliet.

Aj is a gentleman of multitudes. He has layers, like an onion or maybe a parfait. He loves art and math and terrible pick up lines. While he and Callie giggle, Brandon walks in all sulky and awkward and disappears to the garage. Oh, the garage is filled with injustice! How dare they take away his ability to put on his rock opera? Oh, the indignity of it all. Lena tells him she will help fight for him, but he needs to let her handle it.

We all want you to graduate. We have a countdown clock.

Stef has a blazer and a lesson plan, and it all goes awry when one of the students decides to insult the lesbian hummus. He mouths off, and she kicks his butt out of class. Oh, Stef, you are having such a good first class!

He drew you? Like Clexa!

Mariana thinks that trigger warnings are bullshit and that they stifle free-flowing debates and only lead to damaging censorship while helping people who have triggers unhealthily avoid seeking the help they need to function in society. Callie isn’t so sure. But before they can finish the debate, Nick starts chucking stones at Mariana’s window. Mariana and Callie saddle up and stomp downstairs to yell at him. He’s not stalking her; he’s there to hand over a very drunk Jesus.

Stef isn’t so sure this teaching thing is for her. She’s got a lot going on, you know? Lena doesn’t mind her passing the class off to someone else. Before they can finish chatting about it Mariana bops in to chat their ear off about her hair color for the play while Callie and AJ sneak Jesus up the stairs to his room.

You and Emma? So glad we practiced the surprise faces.

Really? You’re having a hard time choosing between Emma and Nick?

When Callie hops in bed, she has a voicemail from Chloe (Rita’s daughter) asking Callie to say goodbye to Rita for her. Maybe the world would be better off without her. The next morning, Callie shows up at Girls United to ask Rita why she didn’t come running when Callie called. Rita has been on this ride before. She has been fooled by Chloe too many time, fallen for her lies, given her money, only to get jerked around again. She’s done. Callie can’t understand how Rita can turn her back on her daughter. They fight some more about the foster reform bill. It’s a truly uncomfortable scene.

Student president Sally is behind the petition. Brandon rips up her petition and yells at her in the hallway. She counters with the fact that teen suicide is a real problem. They yell some more before Sally stomps off to print more petitions. Mariana walks in with Jesus and does an Aaron Sorkin walk and talk. He’s a moron for getting loaded alone on a Monday. She runs into Nick who rattles off a bunch of mumbo jumbo he read online about emotional intelligence in hopes it will convince Mariana to go out with him again.

Brallie? Really?

Meanwhile, Lena is yelling at Brandon for not understanding what “Let me handle it” means. He has to apologize to Sally. The honor board will decide whether he wins or Sally does because Lena and Monte can’t come to a decision.

Callie goes to see Chloe because she hasn’t dealt with Chloe’s emotional manipulations for a lifetime. Chloe shows Callie around her depressing room and asks for money Callie doesn’t have. She talks shit about Rita. Callie is stuck in the terrible middle of all of this.

To President McKinley!

Back at home, Stef is mixing up a batch of martinis because fuck everything. Lena is all in for a double, thank you very much. Sonofabitch! Someone watered down the vodka! Stef is distraught. All she wanted was a goddamn cocktail. First they take her boobs; now they take her vodka! They think it’s the kids, then maybe it was Sharon, and then the doorbell rings. It’s Gabe bringing them the very drunk Jesus, who appeared at his construction site.

Same, Stef. So the same.

Gabe tells them he risked a lot to bring Jesus home. They know that he’s on the sex offender list and why. He’s made a lot of mistakes, but he went to jail. If Jesus keeps showing up, he’s going to have to find a new job, and that’s just not easy to do. They promise to keep Jesus away from him. Marian walks in, and the moms are like “Oh, hey, this is Gabe.” And that’s how I met my father, a story by Mariana.

Stef decides the best time to yell at Jesus is right now. Nah, the best time is early morning when he’s hung over as hell. Preferably in the bright sun, while he is doing some sort of physical activity while loud music plays. Anyway. Stef goes off on how life’s short and then you die before grounding him forever. Lena eases into the chair and is like, “Yeah, so your mom has been going through a lot lately.” My wife and I laughed so hard at this. So many times we have been in this spot where one of us tells the other to take a break. Lena tells Jesus to stop being a dickhead and pull it together. Mariana comes in and snuggles with him because it sucks that their birth dad doesn’t want to know them.

You owe me vodka, sonny.

Time to make the cases to the honor board. Sally has statistics about suicide and how awful and damaging it is. She talks about how romanticizing suicide is dangerous because teens are impulsive, emotional, incompletely developed people. Brandon gets up and says she hasn’t interpreted the play correctly. It’s not about true love; it’s about two stupid, rebellious teenagers intoxicated by the forbidden nature of their relationship. It’s a cautionary tale, not something anyone should strive for. It’s a nice speech, and one that hopefully kills Brallie forever. Anyway, he loses probably for the first time in his life, and the play is off.

Chloe calls Callie. When Callie doesn’t answer, Chloe grabs a handful of pills and stares at them for a good long time.

Your mom and I have been known to do a little Shakespearian role play.

Lena is super sorry Brandon and Mat can’t put on their play. They come up with the genius idea of staging it off campus. Sure, why not? Too bad they have zero budget for equipment. That’s where Stee Sanders comes in. See, his dad has a million warehouses, they could just use one of those. He takes Mariana to visit one and have her sing a little in it. Looks like Juliet found her balcony.

Stef and Jesus are shouting at each other over the kitchen table. She’s making him go to her class so he can get his shit together. Lena steps in and tells Stef that she is acting like a lunatic. She is shouting at everyone because things suck right now. Tough love goes both ways, Stefanie.

And don’t forget to get vodka on your way home!

Callie gets Chloe’s message and calls the paramedics. They get there in time to help her.

Stef is back teaching her class. You know, kids sure can use some help developing their emotional intelligence. Javier (hummus guy) walks in, and Stef goes off script. She tells them about the cancer and how she lost her breasts. She’s been so mad about it; she’s been just so fucking mad she keeps letting it blow up in inappropriate ways. So when Javier made that comment about her tits, well, she was mad and hurt, and Stef doesn’t know how to deal with hurt. She takes that hurt, that pain or sadness, and she squeezes it into the shape of anger because no one comes close when you snarl and growl at them. No one gets close enough to know that you are a scared little kitten, instead they back off thinking you’re a lion. But that’s no way to live, with people backing away when really you just need a hug and some understanding. Stef’s a work in progress, just like the rest of us.

They’re fake and their fabulous.

Rita and Callie go to the room Chloe was staying in. You can’t tell at first whether they are packing up because she died or because she’s alive. Rosie is so great in this role, tough and vulnerable, stubborn and empathetic. She and Chloe are going to therapy to see if maybe they can put things back together.

Back at the house, Callie is sitting on the back deck when AJ walks out. She doesn’t want to talk, and he’s okay with that. He asks if he can just sit by her. AJ is good people. They end up kissing and of course, Brandon the lurking lurker sees them.

MONTE!

Tired lesbian trope warning: Sally comes into Lena’s office in tears. She has something to tell Lena: Monte kissed Sally. Ugh. No. Such a tired, tired trope of the predatory lesbian teacher. Hats off to all of you who called it weeks ago, but still UGH. Maybe Lena will finally get to be principal.

Here are a few of our favorite #GaydyBunch tweets from last night’s episode:

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

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