“The Vampire Diaries” recap (7.14): Red in Tooth and Klaus

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It’s another week on The Vampire Diaries, and everyone is reeling from the shocking revelation–predicted by literally every person who’s ever watched this show and thousands of people who haven’t–that Elena isn’t dead after all! Also, Caroline gave birth to Alaric and Jo’s witch babies, but Stefan wasn’t there to congratulate her because he’s been marked by Rayna and is on the run.

This week’s episode opens three years in the future in New Orleans, where Caroline is learning the wisdom of calling before you show up the hard way. She’s dragged the kids down here for nothing: Klaus is gone and no one’s heard from him in years.

In the present day, Valerie gives Stefan directions to a magically cloaked safe house. He stops at a gas station to buy a new charger, breaking the cardinal rule of being tracked by the huntress, which is to keep moving at all times. (Did the heretics never stop to pee back in the 1900s? Or do their vampire-witch powers include being really good at holding it?) Rayna catches up with him, but he blocks her with an ice machine and takes off again.

tvd 14.1But I didn’t have time to buy more hair product!

Damon and Bonnie are also on a road trip, visiting the Museum of Weird Magic Shit curated by Enzo’s shady new friends. Their organization has a name, but I refuse to remember what it is, and will continue calling them The Initiative. Since the Initiative wants to stick Rayna and her powers behind glass–and since they claim to have information about the family Enzo never knew, which they’re using as the carrot to secure his loyalty–Enzo suggests they all team up on some the-enemy-of-my-enemy-is-a-creepy-secret-society-with-questionable-motives shit and take her down together. Damon and Bonnie agree to play along.

Alaric doesn’t even wait until Caroline’s out of the hospital before breaking the news that he’s taking the twins and moving to Dallas, like, today. He promised Jo that their kids wouldn’t grow up in the midst of the supernatural soap opera that is Mystic Falls, and apparently vows to dead wives don’t include grace periods. Caroline wants to go with them to make sure the girls are well taken care of, and also to distract herself from worrying about Stefan.

tvd 14.2Do you know how hard it is, not knowing where he is or whether he has enough hair product?

Stefan changes the bandages on his impervious-to-vampire-healing wound and heads into the safe house, where he runs into his old frenemy Klaus. That’s right, folks: it’s crossover time! (I am way behind on The Originals so let’s hope a working knowledge of that show won’t be required to follow this week’s plot.)

Klaus asks Stefan what he’s doing in this bar that happens to be invisible to locator spells, but Stefan isn’t in a sharing mood. One thing Klaus already knows, though, is that Stefan’s getting it on with his old flame Caroline.

tvd 14.3Dude, there’s a statute of limitations on dibs. Especially since we’re all going to live forever.

Matt calls Caroline to tell her he can’t track Stefan’s cell phone, but it’s hard enough to care about what Matt has to say when you’re not in a car with two screaming newborns, so she’s not really following. Fortunately, Valerie shows up with a map to Stefan’s location.

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