“The Vampire Diaries” recap (7.13): Blame It On The Rayna

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Welcome back to The Vampire Diaries, aka The Mystic Falls Misery Parade and Musical Variety Show! Last week, Stefan found out that Damon killed Elena (sure he did), and Enzo burned the Huntress so she could be reborn and come after the remaining heretics. Also, Julian died, and Bonnie and Nora steadfastly refused to make out. It was a rough week.

This week, we open in nineteenth-century Louisiana, where a young Rayna is demanding that her father teach her to fight. He’s a hunter like Jeremy–remember Jeremy?–and he doesn’t let her come with him when he goes off to chase vampires, and presumably to his death.

Back in the present day, Enzo and company have the newly resurrected Rayna behind extra-strength glass, but it’s not strong enough to keep her from smashing her way out.

tvd 13.1If you think that’s enough to stop me, you really don’t know what a Slayer is. Oh, sorry, “huntress.”

Damon’s one-night stand is enjoying more than her fair share of the afterglow, dancing around the house in her underwear while Damon bemoans his dwindling bourbon supply. The brunette suggests vodka, which is the death knell of their burgeoning relationship. (Why does Damon even have vodka?) He manages to hustle her out the back door just as Bonnie walks through the front. She needs to talk, so she’s temporarily forgiving him for almost killing her that one time. No, that other time. No, the other time.

Bonnie recaps her storyline with Nora and Mary Louise last week (she describes it as a “bad L Word rerun,” as though there’s any other kind) but is interrupted by finding the cast-off garments of Damon’s most recent bad decision.

Stefan arrives at the hospital to find Caroline unconscious and continuing to desiccate.

tvd 13.2Oh, the guilt trips I’ll lay on these babies if I survive.

The doctors take Caroline to have a C-section, and Stefan, unable to convey the depth of his emotions through forehead-wrinkling and hair product alone, throws a chair. Valerie shows up to offer moral and magical support while Stefan beats himself up for putting Damon’s needs ahead of Caroline’s. He still hasn’t told Caroline that Damon killed Elena (sure he did).

Bonnie gives Damon shit for nailing Krystal-with-a-K, but she reassures him that Elena would want him to live his life, not wait around in miserable celibacy for her to wake up. Which, of course, she’s not going to do, because he killed her. (Sure he did.)

tvd 13.3Do we need to have a talk about using protection? Is there such thing as vervain-based lube?

Their heart-to-whatever-Damon-has-where-his-heart-should-be is interrupted when Enzo calls looking for Bonnie. He wants to know where she stashed the huntress’s sword, but she’s not letting him near any more of her toys after he walked off with Rayna’s corpse. Enzo threatens to tell Bonnie that Damon killed Elena (sure he did) if he doesn’t find the sword.

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