Archive

“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (6.14): Pass the Dutchie on the Maura-hand side

Previously on Rizzoli & Isles: Maura gets kidnapped. Jane finds Maura. Jane kills Maura’s kidnapper. Don’t ever kidnap Maura.

This season’s twofer Rizzoli & Isles return had a tense episode and a laid back episode. The tense episode involved a kidnapping and a shootout. The laid-back episode involved pot and corn curls. Though, in the show’s defense, getting high isn’t necessarily a bad way to unwind after a stressful situation—so I’ve heard.

Poor Maura looks like she could definitely do with some puff, puff, pass. She’s up in the middle of the night and writing in her dream journal in the kitchen. But then she hears something. Oh God, it’s the creepy kidnapper music again. She brandishes her journal at her intruder. And it’s Jane. Yes, Jane has been spending the night on her couch since the kidnapping. I mean, what did Maura give her a key for if not to spend the night?

Look, ladies, I know this whole thing has been traumatic, but there’s no need to banish anyone from the bed. Physical contact is therapeutic. So is snuggling—and, yes, that is an official medical term. Maura agrees and says Jane sleeping on the couch is not a tenable solution. She suggests Jane see a therapist like she has since the abduction. Jane’s face tells us she’d sooner become a professional jockstrap adjuster.

Hey, how about couples counseling? You could solve all your PTSD and coming out anxieties at once. Well, at least think about it. You two are awful jumpy, as Maura’s teapot whistle will attest.

Jane and Maura arrive on the scene of a medical marijuana dispensary. Maura fusses about Jane’s wrinkly jacket. She has no problem letting people know Jane’s her girlfriend, but she refuses to let them think she’d let her girlfriend leave the house without proper ironing.

The Murder of the Week involves a pot shop where the owner was shot and the security guard killed one of its would-be robbers. But the more pressing matter is how many male egos it takes to fix an exhaust fan. Right now, just Smug Kent is taking a crack at it. Jane can’t wait to get out of the fog of unwanted testosterone, so much so she makes an excuse to skip out on lunch with Maura.

But, instead, she meets with another man. Don’t worry, even though he has a beard he isn’t a beard. He is her on-again, mostly off-again therapist (only 12 meetings in five years is pretty off-again) who insists she start making their meetings official. But instead of her own issues, Jane wants to talk about her girlfriend. She says, “It’s hard to see a strong woman like Maura crippled by fear and anxiety.”

Apparently this is also the same therapist who helped her after she was attacked by Hoyt. They even talk about her hand scars. Aw, look at them doing their best with continuity. Bless their little hearts for trying.

Nina is still trying to track down Jane’s mystery life ruiner. She goes to see some computer science professor who looks like he should be at a frat kegger instead of writing scholarly papers. I get it; they were going for a Zuckerberg vibe. But then they should have put him in a hoodie instead of a bad Cosby sweater. Though, admittedly calling anything related to Cosby “bad” these days is pretty redundant.

He is arrogant but agrees to look over the hacker’s work to find a signature. I guess this means we’re going to be seeing this dude again? Yeah, Nina’s pretty thrilled about that prospect, too.

Back on the Mary Jane case, Korsak is interviewing the injured security guard when the also injured owner’s wife comes in to thank him. So yeah, who has “the wife did it,” in the pool already? Yeah, me, too. Or, at the very least, she is involved.

Jane is returning to her desk when Frankie tries to give her a Beard in the Building heads up. But they need a better hand signal because she walks right in and finds, to her and our surprise, Lt. Rafael “Suave” Martinez. You remember him, right? He was the beard who was all, “We were good together when we didn’t talk.” I know, gross.

Jane is equally perturbed because once her beards leave, she prefers for them to stay gone. Or, at the very least, they should follow in the grand Rizzoli & Isles beard tradition and land another TV show. Sheesh, the nerve.

Lt. Suave is back because, as he reminds everyone, he has been working on a DEA task force. Um, not to rain on his task force parade, but it sounds like he is pretty low on the major crimes totem pole if they have him working small-town cannabis dispensary robberies. But it’s almost cute how proud he is of his lil’ crime ring sting operation. Almost.

Jane and Suave are on a stakeout, when he becomes the 9 millionth person to say she looks tired. If I were her I’d just start popping people in each eye anytime they said that. Then she could be like, “How do I look now?” as their eyes swelled shut. Fine, that might be a tad aggressive. I might be a little tired myself.

She confesses she’s been sleeping on Maura’s couch. Well, as her beard I guess he already knew about them. He expresses concern, asks if she is talking to anyone. See, who needs a therapist when you can hash it out with your ex-beard? She confesses she has a recurring nightmare where she chases a killer into a crowd but can’t find him until he is on her with a knife. And then she wakes up.

Uh, is that dream about her stalker anxiety or her beard anxiety? Because, um, you know what knives often symbolize, right? Either way, Jane vows not to rest until she catches the person trying to hurt her family. Hey, resting your eyes for a second doesn’t count.

The sting operation catches the robbers but proves not to be connected with their pot shop murder. Though the only plot we really care about is Jane’s continued lack of sleep. She has been taking Mama R home every night after her Dirty Robber shift ends. Come on—at least set up a carpool for that, Janey. No need to shoulder the burden all alone.

But, of course, our uber butch-in-the-streets feels responsible for keeping “the people she loves” safe. So in this respect, Suave actually turns out more helpful than expected. He sends her some DEA-paid encrypted wireless cameras to help with surveillance. We just won’t talk about the little business of the misappropriation of government funds.

Back at her lab, Maura is testing the “merchandise” from the pot shop because of some inconsistencies in the government-sanctioned THC levels. Korsak inquires how exactly they’ll do the testing, but she promises it will be strictly scientific. Sure, Maura, for “science.” *nod wink toking gesture*

Jane is flipping through her new professional-grade surveillance footage—which, hello, talk about spicing things up in the bedroom—when she gets a call from Maura. I’ll admit; I had to look up the “Prince Albert in a can”-joke. I’m assuming Maura meant the clean version and not the Urban Dictionary version because her follow-up joke is that old “Is your refrigerator running?” —chestnut.

Jane goes to investigate what is causing this corny joke-a-palooza and finds Maura and Smug Kent engulfed in smoke. They’ve inadvertently hotboxed the lab. Kent’s fan fix caused the exhaust to blow in instead of out. Not so smug now, I see. This is what happens when you send a man to do a lesbian’s job.

The giggle twins confirm the inconsistencies in the marijuana strains. It’s from the street, yo. But mostly High Maura just wants to eat corn curls and play with Jane’s hair. She grabs Jane by the shoulders and says, verbatim: “Aw, you know I have never told you this before. But. I. Looooove. Glazed. Doughnuts.”

We all realize “Glazed Doughnut” is Maura’s nickname for Jane, right? She’s a cop. Cops love doughnuts. And when you eat a glazed doughnut properly, it gets all over your face. Ergo, Jane is Maura’s her glazed doughnut. Duh.

Man, I don’t know what strain the Pot Palace sells, but if it can make chemistry jokes seem that hilarious, sign me up. The team figures out the shop was selling street-grade product on the side. So they track down the dealer.

Hey, look, it’s Chad Lowe. Automatically I think he is the killer, because of the Very Special Guest Star rule. But, I think he really is just a very special guest star, and not the killer this time. I mean, everyone’s gotta eat, right?

Speaking of the munchies, Jane comes to rescue Maura from hers. She brings a dozen glazed doughnuts, and even more product for Maura to test. Whoa, wait, has anyone ever made weed doughnuts? Can I copyright that? Hello, goldmine.

Maura informs Jane she knows about the surveillance cameras. And then she tells her girlfriend, in no uncertain terms, that she doesn’t want them in her house. Guess someone isn’t so keen on making personal home videos, after all.

She tries to process Jane’s never-ending need to protect her, but it isn’t going so well. So she uses a demonstration her therapist showed her involving a glass, rocks and water. OK, add a little Scotch and now we’re talking.

She tells Jane that “we need to focus on the good things.” Aw, that’s actually really sweet. Until Jane takes the glass and walks off. So maybe Jane needs to work a little more on her processing skills.

Back on the case we can’t wait to wrap up, the team figures out it was indeed the wife who was skimming from the business. And she was doing that because she was having an affair and planning to leave her husband. And it was with the security guard, who planned on his own to kill her hubby. Boom, now that that’s settled we can get our Big Gayzzoli Ending, yes?

Dammit, no, we still need to get rid of Suave. Well, at least Jane gets a chance to return the cameras. We can all breathe easy about the appropriate use of taxpayer money. You know Maura would never approve. He also tells her to call him if she is up in the middle of the night. And Jane responds, “I’m not going to do that.” Now that Maura most definitely would never approve. Beards, know thy place.

So now there’s just the business of catching the security guard left to attend to. They set him up to think the owner is about to be released from the hospital, where he plans to take him out. Um, can we talk about how creepy the decoy they put in his bed is? Serious nightmare fuel, people.

The security guard surrenders, but then turns to jump off the building. Jane pulls her Taser on him to stop him, and then declares the results “Great!” I hope this means we can look forward to many, many more Taserings by Det. Jane Rizzoli in the future.

So, finally, finally — after Jane is finally admitting she is scared to her therapist—it is time for out B.G.E. Maura is at home, on her couch writing in her dream journal. Jane lets herself in—key, remember?—and plops down next to her.

She admits to being afraid she can’t protect Maura, and Mama R. Because she is worried she isn’t good enough to catch her life ruiner. But then Maura reassures her that she is—sorta. I think she might still be a little sore about the rock glass.

And now for your best #gayzzoli and/or marijuana jokes. Mary Jane? I hardly know her. Oof, sorry, you guys did much better.

Find more from Dorothy Snarker visit dorothysurrenders.com or @dorothysnarker

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button