“New Girl” recap (5.7): Megan Fox and Clea Duvall Bring the Queerness

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Welcome to our ever so brief recapping run of New Girl aka the five episodes where Megan Fox drops in and queers up the show. Her first episode was a breath of fresh air, treating Reagan’s sexuality as just one facet of her personality as opposed to her entire raison d’être.  Last night’s episode continued this trend, bringing in your imaginary girlfriend, Clea DuVall, to up the queer quotient.

We open with the loftmates desperately trying to get some face time with the aloof Reagan, who eschews all forms of group bonding. They all want to get to know their new roomie, except for Nick, who is so paralyzed by her hotness he literally can’t function. I call these girls solar eclipses: They’re so hot you have to look at them through a pinhole camera just to avoid melting your face.

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In an effort to bond, Winston joins Reagan on her morning jog, where they run into Reagan’s friend Camilla (Clea Duvall), who sees her with Winston and assumes she’s “back on the stick.” Relax, girl. Camilla thought that Reagan was out of town, and is psyched when Winston reveals that Reagan is living with him for a month. Before Reagan can protest, Camilla plans a date night of them binge watching Ken Burns’s Jazz, which honestly sounds like my worst nightmare. I would rather watch a Saw marathon than a jazz documentary, you guys.

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Camilla leaves and Reagan is pissed at Winston for putting her in this awkward position. She tells him that she and Camilla are casually hooking up, but she was hoping to ghost her way out of the relationship. See, Reagan’s never dumped anyone before, as her job keeps her traveling so much that she can usually get away with just disappearing. Winston sees an opportunity for bonding and promises to coach Reagan through her break-up.

Back at the loft, Schmidt and Cece are trying to have sex when Nick keeps barging in on them. He’s afraid to eat in front of Reagan, so their bedroom is his new kitchen. Cece and Schmidt decide that they need to come up with something to humanize Reagan in Nick’s eyes. Their solution? They tell Nick that Reagan wears a wig. So dumb, yet so simple.

At the bar, Winston regales Reagan with his myriad dumpings and walks her through a practice break-up. Reagan gets so flustered that she throws $80 bucks in his face and tries to storm out. She begs Winston to dump Camilla for her, and he reluctantly agrees after she offers up a roommate’s dinner.

At the loft, Nick’s paranoia has reached a fever pitch, and he starts rifling through Reagan’s drawers. Schmidt and Cece beg him to stop, but when Cece finds some fake IDs, she follows Nick headfirst down the rabbit hole. The roomies confront Reagan, who tells them that she carries fake IDs because hospitals try to keep out pharmaceutical reps. The gang feels mortified until Reagan assures them that she rifled through their rooms to get to know them too.

Meanwhile, Winston is dumping Camilla, who is horrified that Reagan didn’t have the ovaries to break up with her in person. She convinces Winston to bring her to the apartment so she can confront Reagan in person.

Camilla and Winston show up at the apartment, where Reagan says that she doesn’t want to hurt her. Based off of the gang’s accusations, Reagan instead pretends to be a criminal. The gang quickly jumps to her defense and start spinning a lie about their lives as Japanese crime lords of Los Angeles (my favorite alias was Cece as Sisi). Camilla sees right through them because she is an adult woman. She goes to leave, but Reagan stops her and finally offers up the truth: She doesn’t let people in, and Camilla deserves better. There, was that so hard?

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They hug each other and Camilla goes to grab the blue sweater she left in Reagan’s room. Moments later, we hear the sound of Camilla going full berserker and trashing Reagan’s room while screaming “You’re never gonna forget Camilla!” And that’s why you break up in person, folks. Preferably in a well-lit, public place where your ex can’t wreck your personal property.

The episode ends with all the roommates eating in Schmidt and Cece’s room. Nick sees Reagan house her burrito, which takes her off his pedestal.

What did you think of last night’s episode? I’m really digging what they’re doing with Reagan’s character, but it looks like they’re setting up a romance with her and Nick. Tweet me your thoughts @ChelseaProcrast

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