“The Vampire Diaries” recap (7.12): Who Hunts the Huntress?

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So about last week, when Damon set Elena’s comatose body on fire: Sure he did. No one has ever permanently died on this show, much less the linchpin of the supernatural love triangle that has driven the entire plot (and Damon’s entire character arc) since minute one. Elena’s going to be fine, y’all. She’s just off in Italy dating The Immortal or something. (It’s in my contract that I get to make one Buffy reference per recap.) But of course, seeing her body burn is going to send Damon into an angst spiral from which someone–my money’s on Bonnie–will have to extricate him. This week marks the beginning of that spiral.

We open with Damon lying in the middle of the road on the bridge–you know, THE bridge, there’s only one in Mystic Falls. The dude who stops to help him once ran over his girlfriend’s cat and never told her. Damon, an inveterate one-upper, easily tops that with “Yeah well I killed MY GIRLFRIEND.” Then he commandeers a ride back to town. Along the way, he monologues to Cat Dude about his emotional damage, then rips his throat out. If there were a shred of compassion left in his heart he would have done those two things in the opposite order.

Stefan brings Caroline fries (curly and waffle, but not sweet potato, which is a perfect metaphor for how he tries so hard but will never be worthy of her love) and tells her that he can’t find Damon. She offers to help, but before she can, she faints in his arms.

tvd 12.1I’m certain there’s a way in which this is Damon’s fault.

Meanwhile, in Matt Donovan Is Still On This Show For Some Goddamn Reason, Mystic Falls High’s “Most Likely to Uhh, Wait, Who Are We Talking About Again?” is coming up with a really weak cover story for why he’s toting a bag of stakes and vervain grenades. Penny, the cop who arrested him for drunk driving, mentions that Mystic Falls evacuees are being moved back into their homes, which Matt realizes means Julian is using them for entertainment and/or snacks.

While Valerie crashes Julian’s party to let him know the huntress is coming after him, Nora and Bonnie are having an intimate candlelit chanting session.

tvd 12.2Dear “TVD,” if you wanted me to stop shipping these two, having them reenact Willow/Tara scenes was not a great plan.

Their spell tells them the huntress is in Ohio. Mary Louise shows up because lesbians have an unerring instinct for when their exes are about to get it on with someone else. Oh, and because she also got a postcard from the huntress, whose name is Rayna. She wants Nora to come with her to get rid of Rayna, once and for all. Bonnie is like “The hell I’m letting a girl this hot out of my sight to go on a road trip with her ex,” proving that even if her queer chick resume is lacking, her instincts are strong.

tvd 12.3I don’t know what sex position “kill the huntress” is a euphemism for, but you’re not doing it with Nora on my watch.

Julian tries to sic one of his vampire buddies on Valerie, but just as he takes a step in her direction, Damon cuts his head off. For someone convinced of his own worthlessness, Damon is sure doing a better job than anyone else of taking out the Big Bad’s lackeys. Julian is feeling vengeful, but if Damon had a fuck left to give it burned to ash with Elena.

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