Bo and Lauren are still getting used to Lauren’s new conduit powers. But instead of engaging in super succubus-powered sexytimes, they want to process. Ugh, lesbians and bi women, amirite? Bo wants to process Lauren’s new powers, Lauren wants to process about Bo’s dad’s appearance.
Tamsin walks in while these two are still mid-canoodles. Poor thing. I hate having to say “poor thing” about Tamsin, but I simply can’t help it. Poor thing. She has stopped by to pick up some mail, which turns out to be her payment for services rendered from Hades himself. But instead of cashing it and going on a spending bender, Tam-Tam heads straight to return to sender.
So, clearly, this is a Tamsin-centric episode, and we’re all pretty pleased about it. Next, because two Valkyries are better than one, she goes to rescue Mean Girl Stacey from the burrito shop she now works at. Hey, life is hard out there for an exiled Valkyrie. Together they plot to send Hades back from whence he came, and then send themselves back to Valhalla.
To accomplish their “You go down, we go up” plan they enlist one more Valkyrie, because why have only two when you could have three? So Linda Hamilton returns and reminds them all about that one time, at Valykrie High. So Tamsin and Stacey go to find the other gate to Valhalla at their old high school.
Hello, flashback! You know how you were probably pretty different in high school than you are now? Same goes for Tamsin. Instead of the smartass ass-kicker we know and love, she was a pig-tailed goody two-shoes. It’s kind of adorable.
Back in the day, Acacia came in as a new teacher who wore cool horned-rimmed glasses and shook things up. She wants to teach them how to dance, but the town has banned dancing. Wait, wrong plotline. She wants to teach them how to cast doubt and be warriors, not just carry warriors off the battlefield.
Back in present time, Bo and Lauren are enjoying some post super-succubus sex smoothies. What? It’s the final season. They’re getting it whenever they can. But then Evony’s test results spoil the mood. Turns out she is dying. I mean, as humans we’re all dying slowly each day. But she’s just doing it a little faster than expected.
So they go to visit Daddy Darkness to see if he can help. Uh, how exactly is asking the ruler of the dead to help stop someone from becoming dead a good plan? Turns out it doesn’t, because he can only help Fae. Poor Evony, karma really is a bitch.
Back in Flashback Land, Tamsin is having trouble with the new lesson plans. She tries to be a bad girl, but she is also wearing bloomers – so we know it’s destined to fail. But in real-time, Tamsin has gotten much better at this whole doubting thing. And for the first time, she doubts Acacia, who confesses she is trying to protect Freyja —who is now in hiding from Hades.
You see, back in the day, Pigtails Tamsin has been ratted out by Stacey to then headmistress Freyja. When she gets demoted from valedictorian, she responds with a double bird. I mean that in two ways, because—hello—wings. And that, my friends, is when our Tam-Tam became our Tam-Tam.
Back in the present, Freyja admits that unlike what people think she didn’t trick Hades into going to Tartarus, he picked it himself. So she was just a fraud all along. Tamsin, having won the doubt-off, instead installs Acacia as the ruler of Valhalla. Then Acacia and Tamsin have a heart-to-heart about leaving one’s heart open.
Afterward, she goes to threaten Hades about staying away from her friends. He takes it so well he decides to break out of his cell and walk away. Later Tamsin finds Bo at the Dal and tells her a) Her dad is building an evil army and 2) She wants to continue the grand gay girl tradition of being friends as exes.
BONUS BOOBS O’CLOCK:
Or, in this case, bonus Booty O’Clock.