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“Pretty Little Liars” recap (6.15): Aria Enters the Closet, Falls into Narnia

So we’re now five episodes into the new flash-forward world of Pretty Little Liars. How’s everybody feeling? Confused? Bored? Excited? It seems like Season 6B isn’t exactly setting the world on fire, and Evil EmojA doesn’t have that classic PLL magic. At least we get Spencer in lingerie, so that’s something, right?

The episode opens with Aria coming home to find Byron sitting alone in the dark, like a total creep. He tells Aria he’s been hiding something and confesses that…he’s been dating Ella. Oh, and they’re getting re-married. Aria is shocked because she was expecting a confession more along the lines of Byron murdering Charlotte with a golf club, but sure, wedding, parents, yay?

we’re getting married!

BRB, left all my fucks to give in the rental car

Hanna and Jordan wake up after a night of banging, and Hanna immediately demands an omelet. I like your style, Marin. Her boss Claudia is still demanding and impossible, and let’s be real, Hanna would have so been fired already. I worked for a similar woman once and got fired for forgetting to Tivo an episode of Ellen. I GOT FIRED OVER TIVO CRIMES, you guys. But that’s neither here nor there. Emily walks in on them making out and is like, “Ugh straight people.”

Just remembered why I’m a lesbian

Across town, Caleb wakes Spencer up with coffee in bed, solidifying his status as best boyfriend in Rosewood. They discuss EmojA theories and Spencer’s busy campaign schedule before getting busy themselves. Spencer is also wearing some sexy lingerie and continuing the 6B trend of showing us her naked back, a trend I heartily approve of. Haters gonna hate, but these two are sexy together. This is so much better than those creepy slo-mo sex scenes she used to have with Toby.

Spencer’s Back Appreciation Post

Back at the loft, Emily is crashing with Hanna for her egg extraction, which she is of course concealing from her mother. Hanna keeps calling Pam by her first name, and Emily is horrified. It’s Mrs. Fields, bitch! Ali is back in town and trying to meet up with Emily, but our hormonally charged up swimmer is in no mood for emotional manipulation. Remember when Emily would drop everything at Ali’s slightest whim? Those hormone shots must be giving her ovaries of brass.

Jordan still can’t find you G-spot? Did he do the “come hither” fingers I showed him?

It’s like I started that sex advice podcast for nothing!

We also meet Claudia, Hanna’s Miranda Priestley-like boss who demands gum and Asian models for her fashion show. Sure, when she demands gum and Asian models it’s chic, but when I do the same, they ask me to leave the liquor store and go home. DOUBLE STANDARDS.

Ella sits down with Aria to process the engagement, and picks up on the fact that Aria is concerned. Aria calms down however, when she finds out that her parents spent the night of Charlotte’s murder together, which gives Byron an alibi.

Just pooped

Speaking of deep parental conversations, Hanna confronts Ashley about stealing the back-up hard drive of the Radley security footage. She also offers to destroy the hard drive, as if she isn’t the same girl who tried digging a hole in the ground with a beer mug to stash a gun. Ashley blows her off like a boss, and tells her to focus on her wedding and maybe try not committing any more crimes. Hanna’s response? She invites Aria over and they rummage through every lasagna box/cereal bowl, and handbag in the house to find the hard drive. They come up empty, because Ashley Marin is flawless.

I don’t get it…we checked EVERY CARB IN THE HOUSE!?!

Ali sends Dr. Rollins to visit Emily, who tries to persuade her visit Ali. Hormonal Emily is in NO MOOD for this and promptly kicks him out, but not before he sees her fertility clinic paperwork hanging out of her purse. Emily is right to be suspicious: a strange brunette man doctor in Rosewood? Clearly a psychopath.

Ugh, I covered squirting in episode 4, pay attention!

Evil EmojA tricks Spencer into having lunch with Yvonne. Really, EE? That’s the best you got? I would LOVE to be tricked into lunch dates with beautiful women. They commiserate over life as a politician’s daughter, and Spencer says that after the A ordeal she had to re-mold and weld herself into some semblance of a normal person. Yvonne tells her that she loves iron ladies, and Twitter collectively wets their pants. Yvonne also leaves her phone at the restaurant, and Spencer nabs it because why wouldn’t she?

You slept with Toby; I slept with Toby, so by the transitive axiom we’ve already fucked. It’s science.

Rollins visits Ali at the high school and apologizes for fucking things up with Emily. He insists that Ali needs her friends, especially since she’s had no support from Jason or Kenneth. They hold hands and Ali calls him her rock, while Sara Harvey spies on them from down the hall.

Later, Sara confronts Ali in her empty classroom, pretending to look for a classroom but immediately revealing she was lying. It’s an insane conversation. She tells Ali that she wants to help her, and says sorry for her loss. Ali accuses her of lying about Charlotte at the trial, and Sara claims she was scared. She tells Ali that she and Charlotte were like sisters, but neither she nor Ali ever knew all of Charlotte. She offers to share her Charlotte stories and be a friend to Ali, and her desperate, unhinged delivery leads to Ali walking out. #ShowerFail

I was thinking we could curl up in an underground bunker and wear each other’s faces as masks.

I’m listening

Hanna and Aria hatch a scheme to distract EmojA with a fake hard drive while Aria breaks into Sara’s room to find the golf club. Hanna gets a faux drive from Caleb, and Spencer walks in on them, and it’s awkward. Claudia calls again, demanding that Hanna show up for work.

I’M UNCOMFORTABLE oh fuck did I just say that out loud?

Emily is on her way to the egg extraction and finds Ali at her door. Ali tells her about Sara’s visit, and asks for hang time, but Emily has to leave. In a hormonal panic, Emily assumes Rollins told Ali about the eggs, and ends up spilling her guts to Ali. Ali promises to be there for her, and they go to the fertility clinic together.

After spending some time all up in your ovaries, I’d love to watch a medical professional do the same

Spencer returns Yvonne’s phone to the restaurant, and guess who’s there to pick it up? Mona Fucking Vanderwaal! Spencer thinks that Mona baited her with the phone, but Mona is all, “That’s child’s play, I’m a grown-ass woman.”

Mona’s face is my face every time Shower Harvey shows up

Hanna drops the hard drive off in a trash can while Aria books the hotel room next to Sara’s and tries (unsuccessfully) to expense it to her work. LOL, nice try, girl. Aria overhears Sara and Ashley fighting in the hallway, where Sara is complaining about the maids cleaning her room. Ashley offers her free brunch, but Sara is all “I hate brunch” like some sort of monster. When Ashley Marin offers you free brunch, you take it, dummy! Sara then tries to spy on Aria through the peep hole, and Aria ducks because she has a limited understanding of how peep holes work.

KNOCK KNOCK

Who’s therDAMMIT WHY DID I RESPOND

Emily is at the clinic, getting sedated, and signs her forms. Ali promises to stay with her and holds her hand. I feel like, despite everything she put her through, Ali really does have genuine love and affection for Emily. And poor Emily, well, she can’t help herself, can she?

Later on, a drugged up Emily is visited by Sara Harvey, in scrubs, who injects something into her IV and stabs her in the leg. Emily flails and screams and claws at her IV, but she wakes up to Ali and a nurse telling her she had a bad reaction to the anesthesia. Did she hallucinate it all? Could Sara’s broken hands even wield a syringe? And why the fuck did she do this procedure in the same town that gave her a drugged massage and glass in her hair?

Your medical costs are out of network

YOU’RE A MONSTER!!!

Back at Radley, Spencer is making fun of Aria for using a selfie stick to peer into Sara’s room. Aria invokes the power of Team Sparia to convince Spence to climb over the balcony and break into Sara’s patio door. Aria follows her, and Spencer calls her “little big one” and it’s pretty fucking cute.

Fine, but we’re fucking in Sara’s bed after this, right?

At the clinic, the nurse tells Emily that the couple who requested her eggs are now pregnant, so they are pulling out of the deal. She asks if Emily wants to save her eggs for later or destroy them. Emily still wants to help a couple, so she donates her eggs to an egg bank. Does mean she doesn’t get any money? Can she sell her eggs to the highest bidder? Will she accept $30 and some loose M&Ms from my purse?

What do you mean there’s a line around the block of lesbians clamoring for my eggs?

Hanna finally gets to NYC and shows up for work, only to find that Claudia has replaced her with a German robot named Greta. Hanna has had enough of this bullshit, and yells at her boss. Claudia demands that she apologize, but Hanna knows what Hanna means, and leaves the office in a blaze of glory. Too bad she left behind her Panda mug.

Aria, if you keep eating those $9 peanuts from the minibar, I will smack you with this plastic hand

Team Sparia finds Sara’s room super clean and devoid of golf clubs. They find a plastic gloved hand under the bed, and drawers full of gloves/plastic hands, which may, in fact, be glove holders? This bitch has like, 20 pairs of gloves with matching glove holders? That must have been murder to pack. Spencer finds a set of blueprints in one of the gloves and realizes that Sara’s hotel room was formerly Charlotte’s room in Radley.

Caleb hacks Yvonne’s cell and finds an encrypted file marked Hastings Opposition research. DUN DUN DUN.

Can’t focus, thinking about Emily’s ovaries

Jordan tries to cheery up Hanna, who is devastated over losing her job. He asks if she wants to go back to Rosewood, but Hanna just wants to drive around and cuddle. Guys, what’s wrong with Jordan? He seems boringly perfect, so he’s clearly some sort of evil mastermind pervert, right?

Ashley is gonna be so pissed about this property damage

Back at the hotel, Spencer tries to share her findings with Aria, who has disappeared into Sara’s massive walk-in closet. Spencer walks in to find a massive hole in the wall and a ladder leading down into darkness. Where is Aria?

Ugh, why didn’t I put a bell on that girl?

Emily is recuperating at the loft when she gets a special delivery from EmojA. It’s a carton of eggs and a note that reads “Give me the killer or I’ll use your eggs.” Hmm, subtle. Why does EmojA think they know who Charlotte’s killer is? Haven’t these girls made it ABUNDANTLY clear that they are not good at solving mysteries? You might as well ask the Apple Dumpling Gang to find you a kilo of meth.

Instacart is getting really personal these days…

In their secret lair, EmojA plugs in the faux hard drive, only to find a message from Caleb about changing the rules. A virus hits EmojA’s laptop and destroys their system. Burn!

I’m infecting your hard drive…with the first season of “Ravenswood”!

What did you think of last night’s episode? Are you excited for Tanner’s return next week? Share your feels with me @ChelseaProcrast

Thanks as always to Nicole aka @PLLBigA for her screengrabs. I would toss you over a balcony like a frisbee in friendship any day!

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