14 of The Actual Worst Queer Women Couples on TV

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While most of us love to champion the queer women couples we see on screen (representation! visibility! hot ladies!), there are some pairings that we would have been happier to see apart. Sometimes we got lucky, and writers heard our prayers, even before social media existed. Still, we can’t completely erase these tragic couplings from history. All we can do is try to learn from them and try not to replicate them in our own lives.

Lindsay and Melanie (Queer as Folk)tumblr_liqs4doHIW1qcqs59o1_500

As one of the first regular lesbian couples on television, it was painful to watch as Queer as Folk resident dykes (as they were so often lovingly referred to by Brian Kinney), do everything we would not want them to. From cheating on one another to using their children as pawns in separation settlements to poor fashion choices to being the perfect example of a man-hating lesbian (Mel), it was all there, and all so terrible. I still don’t understand why they got married. According to this show, Pittsburgh has a thriving gay male community, but so few lesbians.

Dawn Denbo and Lover Cindy  (The L Word)tumblr_nvczcxSIS31qg6vc9o1_500

No one likes to be introduced as someone’s “lover.” No one wants to be introduced to someone’s “lover.” It was clear from the beginning that She Bar owner Dawn Denbo was going to be insufferable, and oh how insufferable she was. While she was busy conniving and scheming, Lover Cindy was sleeping with Shane, because that’s all lovers are good for: MAKING LOVE.

Camilla and Mimi (Empire)camilla-mimi

Speaking of characters based on people Ilene Chaiken has had her heart broken by, Empire introduced a pair of wives this season that are totally not in love with one another. Mimi is a businesswoman with terrible suits and a willingness to sleep with Lucious Lyon while her wife Camila is an aspiring musician who actually has a thing for younger men. And if you think they actually love one another, you are wrong. I confirmed this with Empire co-creator Danny Strong who basically laughed off any idea that their marriage is anything but a convenient plotline created by the legalization of marriage equality. #LOVEWINS. (BTW, when I asked what happened to Tiana’s GF, India, he truly had no idea. Like, he forgot about her. All the writers did.)

Tammy and Sarah (Transparent)tumblr_njgsblxjdr1qiohboo3_r1_400

At first, you might have been into the idea of Sarah leaving her husband to be with her butchy college girlfriend. But then it was revealed that Tammy was a total douchebag who doesn’t even seem to like her kids very much. (Does she ever actually hang out with them?) They had sexual chemistry, that’s for sure, but when Sarah realized she committed to spending her life with someone as self-obsessed as Tammy, she wised up before it was TOO too late. Now they’re both single and selfish and sad.

Shane and Jenny (The L Word)2194_84cd

Why. WHY? Fine, sometimes you have an attractive roommate who everyone says is crazy so you think, “Why not?” But when everyone else around you–trusted friends–tells you how terrible she is, and deep down you fucking know it, you say SORRY, LOINS. NOT WORTH THE SHITSTORM COMING AFTER I TRY TO GHOST HER. 

Samantha and Maria (Sex and the City)sex-and-the-city

Not one single person that watched Sex and the City thought Samantha would end up with a woman because the writers wouldn’t even let us try to believe it. Besides the fact that Samantha is a narcissist and would probably have fallen for a woman more like her were she to fall for one at all (we all know those straight women), they had zero chemistry. And apparently free-spirited artist Maria is truly uptight and possessive? We saw it coming from a mile away.

Emily and Sara (Pretty Little Liars)emily-punches-sara-on-pll

While they were never truly a couple, Sara Harvey’s lesbian haircut tried to fool us all. She just screams bad news, and we were all screaming at our TVs, “STAY AWAY FROM EMILY.” Luckily Emily has wised up after 1,890 past relationships.

Adrianna and Gia (90210)90210gia

Otherwise known as the beginning of Rumer Willis‘s shortlived career as a TV lesbian. This storyline of Adrianna’s flirtation with fluidity not only fizzled out and was used as a tactic to make her ex-boyfriend jealous, but spawned a music video from Jessica Lowndes called “I Wish I Was Gay.” Crying emoji.

Callie and Penny (Grey’s Anatomy)635812459786392513112119324_callieandpenny

Not only is Penny not Arizona, but she basically killed Derek, so…

Tess and Lou (Lip Service)tumblr_ll0750THUG1qzzx5uo1_500

It’s a clear sign things aren’t going to work out when your girlfriend refuses to come out of the closet to anyone in her life, with no real plans to do so. Tess deserved better, no matter how hot Roxane McKee is. 

Leslie Shay and Clarice (Chicago Fire)chifire

When your ex-girlfriend marries a dude and shows up pregnant at your door, it may be tempting to think, “Insta-family!” Let Leslie Shay’s experience with Shiri Appleby be a lesson to us all. (I’m talking to you, Malaya.)

Willow and Kennedy (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)101316_1319435384895_full

You can’t just replace Tara with another lesbian, show. I can’t help but feel Iyari Limon was cast just to show up and be hot. Like no one cared enough to give her anything really exciting to do than be hot and annoying and make out with Willow, who I’m not that convinced thought she was amazing.

Jeri and Wendy (Jessica Jones)tumblr_ny8dazct7M1tsfx8ro2_400

If you cheat on your wife with your hot, young assistant, prepare for one of two things: Blackmail and/or her being brainwashed into stabbing you 1000 times. What can we learn from this? Just because you’re a doctor doesn’t mean marrying a lawyer will ensure a lifetime of wealth and happiness, especially if your partner has no loyalty.

Dana and Tonya (The L Word)tumblr_n047tmci6u1qmx9t5o1_500

There is not one lesbian in the world that thought this relationship was a good idea. NOT A ONE. Tonya is the kind of lesbian that makes me reconsider my sexual identity. SHE KILLED DANA’S CAT.

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