Welcome to another exciting installment of Pretty Little Liars recaps, where we puzzle over Aria’s hideous purse collection and considerable lack of chill. Seriously, the girl needs gummy bears from Sabrina like nobody’s business. Also, New A is using emojis like our moms, and it’s driving lesbian Twitter nuts.
If I squint real hard, he kind of looks like Aria
We open on the morning after of the great Spaleb Shagathon. Spencer sneaks out of bed, tosses on a shirt, and hooks up with her real love, coffee. She checks her phone to find the A text and rushes to meet with the Liars at Radley. Sorry Caleb, this girl is fresh out of snuggles.
This is exactly what my texts look like in the morning, but they’re all from my mother
The Liars puzzle over the group text, wondering if Ali or Sara is the culprit. Emily doesn’t buy Sara’s wounded bird routine, and nobody buys Ezra’s brooding man tears. Hanna texts A back, and A reveals that they know the Liars. Hold the fucking phone: could they have been texting back with A this whole time? Why are they not constantly bombarding A with obnoxious texts? If I was getting texts like that, you better believe I’m responding with ALL the dick pics.
Creepy dolls made your image? Dicks.
Bees in your mom’s car? DICKS FLYING AT YOUR PHONE EVERY NIGHT WHILE YOU SLEEP.
I’m all out of dick pics, so I’m just gonna bombard A with Donald Trump GIFs
Where was I? Oh, right. Ali isn’t in town since she’s gone on an Amish dairy farm tour with her dead sister’s therapist and his family. You know, normal people things. The Liars watch as Lorenzo leads a press conference. He says that they know what the murder weapon was, and the Liars get a group text of a nine iron. It’s about as spooky as a text about golf can get.
Watch out, it’s the BOGEY man! *only golf joke I will ever make*