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“The Fosters” (3.12) recap: To boob or not to boob, that is the question

Previously on The Fosters, Ty slammed a car into the twins and Ana. Once AJ and Ty realized the police were figuring it out they decided to ditch their grandmother’s funeral and head Out of Town. Also going Out of Town was Connor who left Judicorn for greener pastures in LA. Sharon has a new boyfriend who hates the cops, the government, and anything not vegan. Callie has a shady investor in Fost and Found who wants to make her a star. Jesus has a new head and more ex-girlfriends than he can count. Emma and Lexi are fighting over Mariana. Stef has a cancer, and Brandon has an audition at Juilliard. Some people have real problems, Stef.

We begin in where we rarely venture, the moms’ room without interruption. A freshly-showered Stef is contemplating her reflection in the foggy bathroom mirror. As soon as she steps into the bedroom, Lena starts spouting statistics from the studies she’s been reading online. She is taking this cancer diagnosis like the Ravenclaw she is. If she has enough information, surely it stands no chance. But Stef doesn’t feel like a statistic; she doesn’t want to talk about option and outcomes and 20-year studies. She wants quiet and space.

One reason I think some of us love fairytales so much is that they give us a chance to fight for those we love. We can fight the mountain troll in the girls bathroom or brandish our mighty sword against the fire-spewing dragon. The things that try to hurt the people we love are tangible. We can fight them; we can protect the woman we love through our strength and courage. But cancer isn’t that kind of monster. Lena can only fight with the tools she has, knowledge, love, kindness, and determination. It’s an awful, impotent feeling. A sword would feel much better.

I don’t think that’s SuperCat fanfic. I think she’s writing SuperWinn

While Callie is having a freak out about someone posting that she had sex with her fosters brother, Mariana just cannot believe that Lexi is running for junior class president. Honestly, I think she’s just as offended as I am by “Lexi For Prexi.” Ick.

Will made a vegan breakfast for the family and Jude is reading Romeo and Juliet at the table while meditating on the shittiness of having his boyfriend move away.

Nope, still hate having sausage in my mouth.

Lena reminds Callie and Brandon, who are inexplicably seniors all of a sudden, that they have a project to do if they want to graduate. Brandon can’t believe that his Juilliard audition doesn’t count because usually he gets credit for just walking down the street. Lena sends them all packing because she has a dentist appointment (code for “just get out of my sight, you’re giving me a headache”). Jesus wants money for a new wrestling uniform (to go with his new head), but the moms tell him he isn’t wrestling as punishment for taking steroids and giving in to peer pressure. Hahahaha. Oh, consequences. Those things that only apply to children who aren’t Brandon.

Just try saying no to me

Shrinking violet Sharon doesn’t mean to criticize, but she thinks taking Jesus away from wrestling is a terrible idea, as is doing anything other than having a mastectomy. While Lena and Sharon discuss long-term studies, evidence-based medicine, and the pros and cons of treatment options, Stef encourages Sharon to go on her vacation, preferably far away. Nepal is lovely this time of year. She’s not leaving until she knows her baby is making a good choice. Speaking of good choices, Will offers Stef some cannabis oil. Mike calls in sick to work because AJ ran away and he can’t stand to face Stef.

Lesbian mind meld.

In the halls of Anchor Beach, Jesus picks a fight with a guy in a muscle car, Mariana asks the same guy to vote for her, and Jesus is surrounded by ex-girlfriends. Mariana wants to know what Lexi is trying to pull by getting Hayley to be her campaign manager. She says something about “the enemy of my enemy is my friend, or whatever.” Next she steals Mariana’s campaign ideas, and there’s only one way to solve this problem; it’s time for a hard-hitting debate at recess.

I know, can you believe anyone thinks I am straight in this shirt?

Brandon is so salty that Callie had the nerve to tell Daphne about having sex with him. To drive the point home, Mat is bitching about having to see Mariana all the time. It’s so hard to get over someone when you see them all the time, you know what I mean, Brandon? God your life is hard. In classic Brandon fashion, a new love interest literally appears out of the sea. Some people really do have real problems. Brandon is not one of them.

Daphne points out that the person who posted could have meant Liam, which is cruel and terrible. While they discuss this possible turn of events, Brandon is busy flirting with the bartender from the last episode. She calls him lame for not knowing how to surf (oh honey, the surfing is the least of his issues) but offers to teach him. Everything is coming up Brandon!

Sharon has a pep talk ready for the Judicorn. Instead of thinking about how everything is terrible because he’s apart from Connor he should try to focus on how great it will be to see him again. Their moment is broken up by Will returning to the house bearing edible weeds from the backyard. Sharon revels in being useful for a moment and decide that she can get Stef to do what she wants through some reverse psychology. Worked when Stef was six, so why not now?

Brandon doesn’t think anyone would be so cruel as to write about Callie having sex with her rapist. Oh, Brandon. When money and girls and chances to attend Juilliard just fall from the sky, it can be hard to imagine that some people are not as privileged as you. He gives her a pep talk about how she is the only thing holding her back and then tacks on that frankly, she’s holding him back, too. Exactly what has he been held back from achieving? Rules don’t apply to him, neither do the normal parameters of auditions and applications for prestigious schools and music camps. I don’t know what more I can say about this kid, so I am just going to stop.

Brandon said what? Did he also sing “Girls Just Want to Have Fun”?

Sharon pops into the mom’ bedroom bringing her blessing fro Stef to skip the mastectomy and to have the lumpectomy and some cannabis oil. Stef is a little dubious, but Lena assumes Sharon simply read the studies, listened to Lena’s own carefully crafted argument, and has seen the light. Stef still doesn’t want to make a decision. There are just too many scary things to think about, and she’s better off focusing on arresting Ty, a dragon she can slay, instead of the one she can’t even see.

AJ and Ty are no-shows at Iris’ funeral. Mike is heartbroken. When he walks outside afterward, Stef is waiting by her police car. He thinks she’s going to read him the riot act but compared to having cancer this is not really a big deal. She runs through her options with him. She wants to cut the cancer out. She wants all of is gone from her body, forever. She even jokes about getting the boob job she always wanted. If there’s an actress who does keeping it all together on the outside better than Teri Polo, feel free to tell me about it in the comments. I can’t think of a single one who pulls off these scenes where she is an inch from falling apart but pulls it back together with a joke and a tight smile.

Yes, I did borrow this from Spencer Hastings.

Mariana and Lexi are debating the issues for about thirty seconds and then turn to debating each other’s dirty laundry. Honestly, it’s the Anchor Beach version of the GOP. Ladies, you are better than this.

Brandon shows up for his surfing lesson with Jesus’ board and a massive wedgie from his wetsuit (count that as an image I could have done without). After a montage of Brandon getting his ass kicked by the waves, these two end up chatting on the beach about loves lost and whether this constitutes a date or not. He gives her the overview of his mess with Callie and this girl calls them “star-crossed lovers.” Noooooo! We knew this is where they were going but blergh.

Callie’s “low key” photo shoot turns out to be a little crazier than she thought. While Justina plays foster kid Barbie dress up, Callie grits her teeth and hopes this will help some kids.

Lexi is most upset that Emma stole Mariana, just like she stole Jesus. Well, Mariana says Lexi is still her best friend no matter how much they have changed in the last year. Without wrestling, Jesus has enough free time to go joy riding with Nick in his muscle car. They decide to see how fast they can go, and Jesus almost crashes into a van. But WOOOOO that was fun!

Blatant male insecurity really leaves me cold.

Callie smized in her pictures without even knowing what a smize was. She must be a natural. Brandon doesn’t like her new look and decides to be a dick about it. Please, stop being such a shithead, Brandon. Just stop. Callie yells at him for trying to knock her down because he likes it when she needs him. Can we all chip in to send this kid to Juilliard?

When Callie walks through the kitchen, Stef tells her she looks beautiful. And that is how you give a compliment, Brandon. She breaks the news to Callie that AJ took off. She feels bad for Callie, who can’t seem to catch a single one of the breaks that get thrown by the bucket at Brandon. Up in the bathroom, Joey Potter wipes off all the lipstick. It’s just makeup, Dawson.

Lena won’t let Stef duck this conversation anymore. She wants to be sure Stef understands what it means to have a mastectomy. It’s major surgery, maybe even several surgeries. She might feel depressed and might not like how she looks. Stef thinks Lena is the one who won’t want her if she has the surgery. What happens when the deal changes? What happens when “I promise to love you forever” gets hard, when you don’t look like you did when you met, or when you said, “I do?”

Lena isn’t budging, she just doesn’t want her rash, impulsive wife to do something like charging into surgery without all the facts. Last time she went in without backup she wound up with a bullet in her gut. My kingdom for a dragon to slay.

My boggart, without a doubt, would be the image of my wife or children dead. I think it’s probably the same for Lena. She doesn’t have an answer other than to read the studies and try to find a way to save Stef, not just to save her life, but to save her. The sarcastic, funny, gentle, protective woman she fell in love with. It’s not just about Stef’s boobs, it’s about Stef’s spirit, too. She doesn’t want Stef to give up a piece of who she is because she won’t consider other options.

I understand Sharon’s part, too. A parent’s most important job is to keep her child safe. For Sharon, safe means fighting that cancer as aggressively as she can. Losing her child is unthinkable; the nightmare that wakes us drenched in sweat and thinking heaven it wasn’t real. It’s not that she and Lena want different things — they both want Stef to be safe — it’s just that safe doesn’t look the same to everyone.

Out in the garage, Brandon has decided to do a Romeo and Juliet rock opera for his senior project. We knew it was coming, but good lord. Do you think he’s read the end of the play? It doesn’t work out well for the titular characters.

Callie and Mariana are checking out her picture on Fost and Found and it looks like AJ might be checking it out, too. Meanwhile, Stef tells Sharon that she’s getting the lumpectomy, and they get into a big fight because Sharon used reverse psychology and it backfired. Sharon stomps off to the RV until Stef “comes to her senses and decides to outlive” Sharon. Masterful mom guilt, Sharon.

Hot girls fall from the sky for Brandon and all I got was cancer.

Stef finishes opening the mail and finds test results that say she has the gene that can make her cancer diagnosis potentially much worse. She stuffs the paper in her pocket and doesn’t tell Lena about it. Oh, Stef, no more secrets.

Here are a few of our favorite #GaydyBunch tweets from last night’s episode.

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

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