“Younger” recap (2.4): The Jade Crusade

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Well, good morning! We find Maggie and Lauren in bed. Lauren’s under the covers and Maggie’s in such ecstasy, she wakes up Liza from the neighboring room with her sounds. Must be nice, says Liza’s morning face. Lauren says she’s ready to make this thing gender monogamous. What she means is she wants Maggie to be the only woman she sleeps with. Lauren’s a bisexual who knows what she wants, but Maggie doesn’t quite think it’s that easy. She sees the situation from a more experienced perspective. 

“You need to protect your heart,” she warns Lauren. Lauren’s like a dazzled forest sprite—she sees this dizzying sexual chemistry as the most “in sync” thing she’s ever been synced with. I mean—is anyone surprised? Maggie’s the girl for her. This new relationship is doing things to Lauren. She’s confident and grounded in this whole new way. She won’t take no for an answer, never has—certainly won’t now. Something slips, though. Lauren asks Maggie, “Who’s Belinda?” A mystery woman from Maggie’s past who she didn’t protect her heart from? Probably.

Lauren’s a bisexual who knows what she wants, but Maggie doesn’t quite think it’s that easy. She sees the situation from a more experienced perspective. “You need to protect your heart,” she warns Lauren. Lauren’s like a dazzled forest sprite—she sees this dizzying sexual chemistry as the most “in sync” thing she’s ever been synced with. I mean, is anyone surprised? Maggie’s the girl for her. This new relationship is doing things to Lauren. She’s confident and grounded in this whole new way. She won’t take no for an answer, never has—certainly won’t now. Something slips, though. Lauren asks Maggie, “Who’s Belinda?” A mystery woman from Maggie’s past who she didn’t protect her heart from? Probably.

Something slips, though. Lauren asks Maggie, “Who’s Belinda?” A mystery woman from Maggie’s past who she didn’t protect her heart from? Probably.

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Maggie logs into her Facebook and updates her relationship status—as if! She’s just using her secret stalker Facebook to look up Belinda. And there she is. Belinda is married to David now and there’s a family photo with their two kids in denim and matching white shirts—all four straddling a log. Belinda’s profile picture is Belinda in a pastel sweater holding what looks like a very delicious and spicy looking stir-fry. If anything, this assures Maggie that she’s living her life, and that long-ago heartbreak is futile now. 

“She looks miserable,” Maggie points out. Maggie’s holed-up goth rave sweater (why is she so perfect?) looks like it wants to get high and listen to L7 while Belinda’s wants to find out of “Heaven Is a Place on Earth.” This girl nearly ruined Maggie? It happens to the best of us.

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Kelsey’s in the midst of a big book deal—or so she hopes. A 25-year-old fashion blogger named Jade Winslow is about to blow everyone’s minds. Kelsey is sure of it. She wants it bad. She pulls Liza and Diana Trout into the meeting for support, but Jade turns out to be this oblivious, ranting and raving lunatic who puts the meeting on hold to carry out a Twitter war. Her explanation for what’s to come in this book is “Devil Wears Prada but on speed.” Her driven attitude and deadpan sass, plus the blonde locks and glam-rock garb remind me of Rachel Zoe, a likely “inspo” for Jade. Unfortunately, Trout’s Ann Taylor Loft vibes and Liza’s awkwardness and Kelsey sitting there as Hilary Duff is all too basic and tumbled for this Jade. Later on, her bratty assistant delivers a message to Kelsey that she wants her and Liza to meet her out for a more casual meeting tonight—and bring the boyfriends because she doesn’t want this to be “a taco stand.” Oh, puh-lease.

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Anyway, we soon find out that “bring your boyfriends” has nothing to do with rules, social anxiety around more than one to two women, or Jade’s need to stand out as single—she has an ulterior motive. The girls arrive and find Jade shooing away a guy with a beard who, I think she calls “lumbersexual” but who knows with Jade, am I right? Whiskey to the clitori! Jade thinks Kelsey’s boyfriend is cute, which is cool for him—but where’s Liza’s Josh? And how does she know his name is Josh?

In walks the Devil himself, and before anyone can even speak, Jade tosses her drink in Josh’s face. It happens at the worst moment, because as per usual, Liza was just getting somewhere with Jade and the book and understanding each other’s wants and needs. Fancy that, Jade hates the way society refuses to embrace an aging woman. Liza’s ears are so perked up you’d think she’s about to spill her beans onto Jade of all people. In the end, the girls hear the truth about Jade and Josh—that he met her, they dated, she wouldn’t leave him alone, he slept with her model friend at a party, and then she really hated him. In a way, that was his goal, because then she’d just leave him alone. But that’s a game for preschoolers and it’s called Duck, Duck, Karma. Kelsey can fold up her “on trend” crop top and overalls and kiss this book deal goodbye.

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In the end, Kelsey and Liza convince Josh to be in on an operation to kidnap Jade and lure her into an Uber with Josh in tow ready to apologize. Sure, it sounds completely foolproof. What could go wrong? (Ask the girls from Jawbreaker.) 

Inside the cab, Jade sees the desperation in their eyes but turns down the shot, splashes booze at Josh’s face (again), and bails. Later, her assistant calls Kelsey to tell her Jade changed her mind and wants to sign with them after all. She’s even tweeted her announcement over Twitter. It’s a picture. Of what, you ask? The Empiricanda.

While the girls crusaded all day to get Jade’s book, a photo of Charles’ went off and running all over the Internet—the ole dick outline, noticeable to even a bird flying overhead from inside his thin gray shorts. “It was humid,” was Charles’s only comment. And anyway, what kind of episode would this be if there wasn’t a clothed-dick pic Lauren (the apparent hacker) can’t track down and get off?

In the end, Empirical got the book, Jade became $250,000 richer, Josh avoided whiskey dick but ended up with whiskey face, Charles “Empiricanda” Brooks wishes he had whiskey in his face, and Maggie put Belinda out of her head and Lauren into her bed.

Tweet me @the_hoff and tell me what you think about #MaggieandLauren! Younger airs on TV Land every Wednesday.

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