“Make Me a Supermodel” 2.3 mini-cap: “High Wire Act”

The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round. The wheels on the bus go round and round, all the way to Martha Stewart‘s hometown, Nutley, NJ. The gang piles out of their yellow school bus and onto the high school’s football field, where they’re met by Tyson and Nicole Trunfio, who’s smoking hot in a varsity jacket. Now that’s a supermodel.

Tyson trots out the shooter du jour. He tells the kids they’ll be conveying beauty and strength through sports photography. Boo. I was looking forward to a game of shirts and skins with Nicole. Why am I not in charge of the world?

Split up into trios, the models are hooked up to harnesses and wires, and take turns leaping and jumping with sports equipment props. Colin accidently punches Branden in the face. Eric McCormack look-alike, Shawn, has more will than grace, and smacks into Salome, bruising her ribs. Kerryn and Amanda do some flagrant high sticking as field hockey players. The third in their trio, Laury, is no fool and dons a pair of goggles. It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye.

Still engaging as a bag of hair, CJ mopes around the field, ignores the others, and refuses to smile or emote during her shoot. Watching from the sidelines, Colin says, “It’s like a wet noodle in a harness,” which isn’t as much fun as it sounds.

CJ: I don’t show my feelings the way that everybody else does. They still think I’m a bitch — wanna talk sh– about somebody — and I’m the ideal person to do that. Which, buy all means, talk sh–. But it’s annoying.

The rest of the group dishes to Nicole that CJ is an apathetic ingrate who doesn’t deserve all the resources and attention being lavished on her, and they’re right. Then again, I’d be pissy, too, if someone gave me cornrows.

Here are the results from game day:

Blond Amanda wins this one, although I’m not sure why, beyond the convenient fact that her go-see prize is at Bloomingdale’s, where they’re looking for an all-American type. Laury is not a happy camper and goes to her room to pout, and later, angrily tenderizes a piece of steak until it’s tartare.

In the car on the way to Bloomingdale’s, Amanda tells her go-see partner pick, Kerryn, they both have “the most American-wise look.” What does an American look like, exactly? Maybe she meant stupid American, in which case, yes, she’s got it going on.

Back at the house, the kids blow off some steam by playing dress-up. Petite, attention-loving, Gabriel strolls around the house in nothing but his underwear, as usual. Subtle. Crabby CJ emerges from her shell a little and actually cracks a smile. Maybe there’s hope for her yet.

Back on the job, Tyson gives the group their next task: modeling underwear while wearing interesting shapes made from what looks like shipping container strapping. Gabriel should have no problem with this contest considering how much he loves walking around in his skivvies. Except, of course, he does. But he’s alone.

The models are given one task; strike a sports pose at the end of the runway. Clearly, not everyone got an “A” in gym because pointing, staring, and flailing one’s arms do not bring any particular sport to my mind.

During the final judging, Perou, dressed as the Brunch with Bridget Unibomber, informs Sandhurst that striking a dance pose doesn’t equal striking a sports pose. Salome explains away her awkward and half-hearted bowling pose by reminding everyone she’s a Mennonite. Jenny Shimizu compliments Jonathan for wearing his cod piece with confidence, saying it’s not an easy thing to do for a man or a woman. (She should know — she’s wearing one right now.)

Everyone’s down on CJ for having a crappy personality, but it’s diminutive mouth-breather Gabriel who has the big attitude, along with an endless stream of excuses.

Guest judge, Tabatha, delivers to Karen the most stinging criticism you can give a model: “You’re very forgettable to me.” The others gasp in horror.

The panel can’t decide who needs to go. Gabriel is annoying. Sandhurst is as arrogant as the day is long. Salome can’t go much longer using her sheltered upbringing as an excuse. Karen’s deer-in-the-headlights eyes are freaking everyone out.

In the end, Kerryn wins immunity and Karen is told to pack her bags and go. She is no longer in the running to becoming America’s Next Top — oops.

Next week: A real, live girl visits Colin’s undiscovered country.

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