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“Jane the Virgin” recap (2.9): Kiss me, you fool

Jane the Virgin has finally returned to us after this cold, dark winter hiatus. Luisa, our special lesbian snowflake, once again gets very little scene time, but she makes the absolute best of it. Is there any lesbian character who has had as much game as Luisa since Shane McCutcheon? Let’s investigate like Det. Susanna Barnett.

Haha, did you think it would be that easy? Patience my dear readers. First, some other major plots!

Jane is now teaching and trying to sleep train Mateo. Little sweetie pie Mateo is going through sleep regression, which means no one in the Villanueva house is sleeping. Jane wants to use fancy, modern ways to gently calm him into sleeping through the night but Abuela suggests letting the little peanut cry his face off like in the good ole days. In typical Jane fashion, she tries a million ways before listening to her wise grandmother. God love Jane for always wanting to be the best at everything. Sometimes, you just have to cry it out, Jane.

So on to the teaching. If you recall, before the hiatus, Jane earned a spot as a teaching assistant, and she’s totally excited to open the world of literature to a group of fresh-faced students. The thing is, she quickly finds out the class she’s teaching so passionately is affectionately referred to as Books for Ballers-an easy A for college athletes.

Jane, being Jane, looks at the bright side of every situation. She immerses herself in college basketball so she can use analogies that will speak to her students. It reaches most of them except the star of the basketball team who doesn’t bother turning in a paper. She gives him an extension, but when he turns in an obviously plagiarized paper, she reaches her boiling point. She learns first hand the politics of college athletics when her boss calls her and asks her to let this whole plagiarism thing slide. Against her best judgment, she decides to give McBaskets another shot. She even plays an embarrassing game of one-on-one with him, which inspires him to put some hard work into his new paper.

Jane, exhausted and a little heartsick, is still thinking about Michael. When she hears from Xiomara that Michael may have a new girlfriend, she does a little Facebook stalking. FB stalking can never lead to anything good, and Mateo accidentally hits the friend request button on the new lady. Nightmare time! Michael pays a visit to Jane and asks why in the world she would friend request his new lady. He still needs space, and she realizes the only way to do that is to make a clean break. She does the hardest thing ever: she unfriends Michael.

Petra is in a heap of trouble, and her new lawyer is suggesting she take a plea deal for Ivan’s murder. This, shockingly, gives Rafael and Petra a chance to bond without any scheming involved, which I think is a first. They even talk about the fact that Rafael’s mother has been trying to get in touch with him. Rafael doesn’t want Petra to take a deal, so Petra sets out to catch her mother lying. You can’t bullshit a bullshitter, though, and Magda knows Petra is trying to set her up.

All looks grim for Petra, who has 24 hours to decide if she’ll take 18 months in jail for a crime she didn’t commit. It takes Rafael making her a delicious steak to figure out how to turn it all around. The knife that Magda claims is the murder weapon was actually purchased by the kitchen after the murder took place. Petra flips the script on mommy dearest, but Magda tells her she’s going to regret this big time.

Rogelio’s mother, or Glamma as she prefers to be called, comes to town for a visit. She still hates Xiomara, but she loves Jane and Mateo. She seems a little off, and when Jane presses her, she reveals that her husband of 47 years is gay and leaving her for a man.

She makes Jane swear to secrecy, but sleep deprivation gets the best of Jane, and soon everyone knows. Rogelio thinks that his mother is hiding the fact that his father is dying, so the ladies decide to tell him the truth. You’d have to be daft to not pick up on the signs that gramps was gay, but this is Rogelio we are talking about here. Rogelio prides himself on acceptance and being an LGBTQ ally, so at an awkward dinner that includes two random gay dudes (one is Abuela’s buddy from church) he tries to convince his mother to confide in him. Glamma knows right away that Jane spilled the beans, and she’s not happy. Gramps does show up to visit, and reveals that not only is his homosexuality not news to Glamma, but she’s known for four decades. Whomp whomp.

Ok, so now, on to Luisa. We all know that Luisa is a skirt chaser, and she was pretty smitten with Det. Susanna Barnett from the get go. So much so, that Michael teases Barnett that Luisa is her girlfriend. Barnett is not thrilled with all the blatant flirtation, so she and Michael flip a coin to see who has to go and question Luisa about her mother. Barnett loses and heads over to the hotel. She knows how to play the game, so she sweet talks Luisa and even shares a story about her own childhood tragedy. Processing is like foreplay to Luisa, and she calls Barnett out on it. Thing is, she doesn’t mind it.

Luisa is able to remember a story her mother told her about a lake with magical glowing fish in a lake. It sounds like something that Barnett and Michael discovered in Mia’s mental hospital files. Luisa and Barnett do some Googling together (more foreplay) and find a bioluminescent lake that might fit the bill.

Unfortunately, after some investigating, Barnett finds out that Luisa’s mother did indeed already pass away over eight years ago. This also mean she can’t be Mutter. Luisa is sad, but at least she has some closure, which also serves as some foreplay. Barnett takes Luisa’s hand, and Luisa goes in for a kiss. Barnett does Sheryl Sandberg proud and leans in.

This surprises the hell out of Barnett, but doesn’t surprise anyone else. No one can resist the charms of Luisa Alver. Barnett eventually breaks away and flees the scene, and arrives at the station all kinds of flustered. Just as this happens, Rafael decides to allow his mother to visit. She tells him how she was a young woman when she met his father; she was seduced by his sad story and loads of money. But their happiness didn’t last long, and she ended up having an affair. This enraged Rafael’s father, so she was left with little choice but to leave.

At the station, Michael figures out a major Mutter clue. There was another person active in the Solano family who disappeared in 1983. I’ll give you one guess who that could be.

Just as they make this discovery, Rafael is looking for his mother’s belongings that were packed away in a closet. He opens the box to find letters tied with blue silk rope. You know, the kind Mutter uses! Just as he calls Michael to report his findings, he gets a needle in the neck from mommy.

She wants the flash drive that Rafael traded for Mateo during the kidnapping. Rose doesn’t have it, so who does? Poor Rafael, this is only going to add to his mommy issues.

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