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“The Fosters” (3.11) recap: The circus is back in town

Previously on The Fosters, Monte kissed Lena, and then Stef heard all about it from Jenna because a) Monte learned it is impossible to be in the same room with Lena without falling in love with her and ruining you for every other woman on the planet, and b) Jenna has no filter. Stef had two mammograms just to be sure that her boobs aren’t filled with cancer. Jesús is back after his trip to the Jason DiLaurentis head transplant machine boarding school. Brandon and Callie had sex after Brandon won a competition in which he broke every single rule. #ThatsSoBrandon. Callie got adopted the next day, which makes everything more awkward. Connor decided he couldn’t stand his dad anymore and is moving to LA to live with his mom instead of staying where he can kiss the Judicorn every minute of every day. Callie made an app, Mike is fostering AJ, whose brother probably almost killed Mariana, Ana, and Jesús, and Mariana had sex with Wyatt but loves Mat. And that’s what you missed on As the Adams Fosters Turn.

We begin the season at Disney Hall, home to symphonies and beautiful music and the just reward for Brandon, walking embodiment of white male privilege. The moms and Mike are very proud. Callie is having a squicky flashback to the time she boned her foster brother. So, a regular Saturday in Adams Foster land!

Wanna go make out in the bathroom?

In the bathroom the next morning, Callie is nervous about giving a speech, but Brandon reassures her that she will do great by telling her that he booted before his concert. Helpful as ever, Brandon. Captain Humblebrag tells her that a professor from Juilliard was at the concert and wants Brandon to audition, but he’s not even going to bother because the school is super expensive and the world doesn’t revolve around him. Allegedly. We learn that AJ’s grandmother died which is so sad. I loved his grandma.

At the nursing home, AJ can’t comprehend how an entire person’s life fits into a couple of boxes. Ty says they have to give up the room for someone else’s grandmother. Mike assures the boys that whatever funeral costs there are he will cover them. Outside, Mike calls to tell the guy running Ty’s fingerprints not to bother he can’t bear to be the one to break these two apart.

I can do LOTS of things with my tongue.

Stef is in the dream kitchen flipping through bills and working through her issues with the goddess Lena going back to work. She makes a crack about Monte and Lena sighs and reminds Stef that she said she was okay with this when they had one of their most important conversations as a couple entirely off-screen. Stef remembers, but the thing about Stef is that her feelings don’t always cooperate. They have more pressing concerns like why the insurance company won’t pay for her second mammogram and where the hell Sharon went in her slippers. Sharon says it was a walk and then jumps on the medical bandwagon to tell Stef she needs a second opinion, and they bicker until the doorbell rings.

Make sure you don’t send your smutty fanfic to Rafael, okay?

And who should be making house calls at breakfast time but Monte. Sing it with me, everyone-everything is awkward! She apologizes to Lena and Stef and offers to resign if it will make Stef feel better about her lady lips kissing Lena’s lady lips.

I can’t believe you are making me sit through this Nicholas Sparks movie

If Stef dies, I just want you to know I am here for you.

Callie is giving a speech about Fost and Found to a crowd of foster kids. Some kid asks Jude if Callie is for real. Oh dude, she’s as real as a baseball bat to the hood of your car. Lena wants to know what Stef thought of Monte’s offer and back at home Jesús wants to know what Emma is doing in the dining room, and she wants to know what he is doing A) with a new head and B) not in Colorado. He is completely bored by Mariana’s over-the-top Hermione Grangering about how she has to do exceptionally well on her O.W.L.s so she can get into a good college. The doorbell rings again, and it’s Lexi back with a visa and an appetite to shake things up in San Diego. Lexi and Emma eyeball each other like maybe they are going to fight over Jesús but nope, jokes on them, because this time they are fighting over Mariana.

A kid named Jack who has Goblet of Fire movie hair and Buddy Holly glasses, is asking Callie how she plans to fix every single problem in the foster care system via the app she made for her school project. Callie gets saved by Justina Marks, foster advocate, who says she’s got 50 grand she wants to invest in Callie. Beware, Callie!

At Anchor Beach, Monte walks into Lena’ office hoping for an answer. Monte can stay as long as she understands she and Lena are not friends, they are colleagues and nothing more, and frankly, Stef is a saint for being so understanding. Lena talks about “appropriate boundaries” but I am not sure she knows what that means. Monte skips out of the room safe in the knowledge she gets to keep her job and keep seeing Lena every day. I don’t want Monte anywhere near Lena’s lips again, but I so hope she sticks around for a long while.

You keep saying “appropriate” but I am not sure you know what it means.

Connor is packing his stuff for LA. It’s not that he doesn’t want to stay in San Diego where he can make out with Jude, he just can’t bear to live with his dad who isn’t changing fast enough to make his life tolerable. I hope this isn’t the end of Jonnor because those kids bring a whole lot of happiness to the world.

I checked and no, I couldn’t BE any cuter.

Cop guy walks in and hands Stef the results of the fingerprints on the pen. Of course, she has no idea what this is about so when Mike walks in she rips his head off and wants to know what he’s trying to pull. She’s having a week, you guys. They fight over whether to ruin AJ’s life by arresting the only family he has left or to bury the information about who plowed into the twins and Ana. In the end, they agree to wait until after the funeral to arrest Ty.

You like Sara Harvey!

Foster advocate, Lindsay Dole, is meeting with Callie and the moms. She has a million compliments for Callie. Callie could be an advocate for the foster community. That sounds nice, but Lena says Callie is a senior, and she needs to focus on school. Callie wants this lady to check up on the kid who talked to her at the event. Oh, Callie, you can’t take in every kid who comes knocking on your door! Surely your moms taught you that. Oh, wait. Lindsay Dole says she will look into it. Glad no one decided to ask if she works for one of those big corporations or checked her ID or anything. Sharon wanders by, again, and Stef wants to know where she’s going. Just for another walk, Stefanie! Nothing suspicious.

Can they tell I’m thinking about Clexa right now?

Upstairs, Emma and Lexi are laying out their strategy for Mariana’s campaign for junior class president like it’s some kind of choice between old Mariana and new Mariana. Emma wants the picture that makes Mariana look smart and capable. Lexi wants the one that makes Mariana look pretty and popular. I’m sure somewhere someone is having this same conversation with Bernie Sanders. Mariana contains multitudes, you guys. But she pauses long enough for Emma to storm out. Mariana decides that Emma is the best lady for the job and sticks with her.

Upon leaving, the Justina calls someone to find out where Jack Downey has been placed. She is shadier than a Rosewood Cop.

Stef is doing some of her own detective work by following Sharon to an RV parked up the street. Turns out Sharon has got herself a boyfriend in the form of Rob Morrow (who, in his little hat, bear a weird resemblance to my older brother). Stef wants to know why Sharon wouldn’t introduce her to this guy and assumes he’s homophobic. Sharon tells Stef to get a grip. She doesn’t date homophobes. She was just worried Will wouldn’t like Stef because she’s a cop, but the sex is so good she doesn’t really care. Oh, this is going to be hilarious. Stef is suddenly 10 years old with her fingers in her ears, so she doesn’t have to hear about Sharon boning the anarchist.

Lena is more concerned about what to do about Jesús. Should they make him go back to Colorado? Mariana waltzes in and says he can’t go back to Wrestling School because he’s flunking out. Worst secret keeper ever.

God, it’s like we don’t even recognize you anymore.

The moms head up to talk to Jesús, and he tries to give them a song and dance about how he just wanted them to be proud of him. That’s cute, but Lena knows how to use a phone and she checked on his grades. He’s doing just fine so WTF, Jesús? The wrestling dudes are all on steroids, and they made him do them, too. But he hated it, so he came home and he can’t go back unless he’s ready to be on the program. Stef is ready to send him back to Anchor Beach but whoopsie! There’s a waiting list, and he’s not on it.

AJ and Callie are hanging out, talking about his grandma and eating cookies like a couple of normal teenagers. Callie seems to have a penchant for attracting people who want to throw money at her. First her biological father and now this lady. Callie doesn’t think she can be a role model, but AJ isn’t buying it. Jessica Jones is a hero, and she’s dark as fuck! He sees a lot of potential in her. He asks her to come to a comic convention with him. It’s sweet and they aren’t brother and sister so I vote yes.

Monte bops into Lena’s office with good news. Some kid left the school to go to military school or something, and they have a space for Jesús. Lena says they can’t give special treatment, but Monte pulls rank and says it’s not up to her. Welcome back, Jesús. You can thank your mom’s inappropriate relationship with her boss for your spot in the junior class.

Jack is playing video games in the living room when Callie gets home. When she asks Jude about it, he’s like, “Life is bullshit, my boyfriend is moving to LA, leave me alone.” Brandon wants Callie to let him know if she is going to be dating anyone, so he doesn’t have to find out from one of the other 57 kids in the house. Callie sings a few bars of “None of Your Business” but agrees. He is, however, cool with not telling his moms about Juilliard. If only Sharon can help him make some money to cover tuition.

When Mike heads off with the funeral director to pay the bill, Ty and AJ have a little chat about an accident that Ty maybe had that almost killed the twins and Ana. Ty has to run away before the cops figure out it was him. AJ can’t believe his dumb luck that his brother almost killed Mike’s extended family. Ty gives AJ a choice of either running away with him or never seeing him again.

The moms are getting ready to go out, and Lena doesn’t feel it’s fair for Jesús to jump the line. Stef thinks Lena has given enough of herself to that school (and to Monte) that she deserves a little something in return. Sharon interrupts this millisecond of mom privacy to tell them that Brandon asked her to magic 7500 bucks into four years of tuition at Juilliard. She’s good, but she’s not that good. The phone rings, and it turns out Sharon decided to get another opinion for Stef on her mammogram. So much for HIPAA. Stef says the doctor wants more tests and it’s clearly just a money making scheme so she’s not going to do it. Stef’s mouth goes on and on about how she’s not gonna do it, but Lena’s face says otherwise.

Can you believe she’s in here ruining our sex life, again?

Sharon is taking everyone out to eat (which will cost just under a year’s tuition at Juilliard). They are celebrating Callie’s adoption and Brandon’s audition at Juilliard. Lena lets him know they will figure it out if he gets in. “It’s not all about me,” Brandon says for the first time ever. Will is picking a fight with Mike about the police. Sharon needs a drink, so she sends Brandon to the bar to flirt with the bartender and talk to her about the piano in the corner. Jude isn’t having fun because his cute boyfriend is moving and it sucks. He explains to Lena that Connor is leaving because he doesn’t think his dad will ever change. While Callie extols the virtues of being adopted and how it means she and Jude will never be separated, Brandon hops on over and plays the piano. Bartender girl thinks he looks good there, Callie is ready to go to the comic convention with AJ, and Lena asks Stef to get another opinion on her boobs. Maybe Lena will get in there to take a closer look as well.

They’re real, and they’re spectacular.

Lena shows up at Adam’s door to tell him not to give up on Connor. He’s a little offended by the suggestion. Lena clarifies. Don’t let him give up on you, she says. It’s an easy thing to do. People hurt us and we write them off forever. But people change. It can’t erase all that hurt, but I can only imagine all we would have missed out on if my wife and I wrote off every person who didn’t jump at the chance to embrace us. If we turned away from all the people who didn’t get it or thought our love was wrong or a phase, we would have lost so much. It’s not fair to have to forgive, but it’s worth doing.

Callie stops by Brandon’s room to tell him that she and AJ are going out. It’s awkward since they were doing it a few days (weeks? The timeline is never clear) ago. Turns out she didn’t really need to tell him since AJ and Ty are hopping a bus for Arizona.

In school, Mariana is enlisting Jesús to help her put up posters. Lexi beat her to it. Looks like Mariana has some competition for junior class president. Adam stops by Lena’s office for Connor’s transcripts. He tried to get Connor to stay, but it’s too late. Adam apologizes to Jude in hall for not getting it soon enough. They cry and hug. I’m going to miss Jonnor a whole lot.

Back at the house, Jack wants to know if Callie put his name in the Goblet of Fire got him taken out of his house because he got put into a group home and he’s pissed about it. Foster advocate lady lies to Callie about having talked to anyone about Jack. Callie and Mariana don’t realize how shady she is so they give her admin access to Fost and Found. Ugh, you guys! Where’s Emma with her BS meter when you need her?

CHAIKEN!

Lena, Sharon, and Stef are meeting with a doctor. Doctor’s offices are so familiar. They have that same color palette, all whites and light wood, windows that don’t open, and the smell of cleaner. In a scene we’ve seen on screen and in our own lives a thousand times, the doctor tells them the biopsy shows cancer. They recommend surgery and possibly follow-up radiation.

The thing about cancer is that it’s so damn ubiquitous. There’s not one person who doesn’t know someone who has had it, who has died from it, who does not know the salty metallic taste of fear. I can’t think of one person in my life that hasn’t experienced it. It’s a common disease, but its pervasiveness does nothing to lessen its ability to devastate us. Last year, two women I love very much were diagnosed with cancer. Neither was my daughter or my wife, but I think I have a grasp on what Lena and Sharon might be feeling. I have been surprised by my reaction to each of their diagnoses. My own feelings have shifted from sadness and fear to anger. There’s nothing unique about having friends or family fighting cancer. But it doesn’t have to be unusual to affect us all in surprising ways.

Finally, we end the episode when Callie logs into Fost and Found and find a post asking her if she had sex with her foster brother. Here we go!

Here are a few of our favorite #GaydyBunch tweets from last night’s episode.

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

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