Sherri Saum and Teri Polo Are Trying To Kill Us With Their Cuteness

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Okay, full disclosure: I do not now nor have I have ever watched an episode of The Fosters. It seems too “nice,” I’m frightened of children, and also, I have mistrusted Jennifer Lopez ever since she requested that we start calling her “JLo” and the whole world just went along with it.

I do, however, avidly follow the social media presence of the women who play its central couple: Sherri Saum and Teri Polo. Because, on a monthly basis, they cause me to go into goddamn cardiac arrest.

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Take this week, when Sherri Saum posted this on Twitter.


Oh, so you guys are just hanging out on a beach together, touching faces, like straight friends and work colleagues do?

As if that wasn’t egregious enough, look how Teri Polo responded.


The internet is LITTERED with this shit, people. LITTERED.

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So there are some issues here that have to be addressed.

  1. Sherri Saum is married to a dude. This dude, who looks…adequate, as far as they go.

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  1. Teri Polo has been married to two dudes. On the other hand, she just got this haircut.


OOOOOOKAY.

So there’s that.

  1. Televisions shows are not real. Actors are not their characters.

I understand that, Sherri and Teri. Do you?


METHOD AF.

Normally I think it’s unhealthy and weird to ship people in real life, because the last thing I want to do is make it unpleasant or uncomfortable to be a part of queer representation in the media.

I understand also—becauase I am an adult and a professional—that some of their social media canoodling is probably staged publicity for the show. And I’m not mad about that; we’ve all got an agenda. I’M JUST NOT CONVINCED THAT THEIR AGENDA IS NOT TO MURDER US ALL.


IF THAT’S NOT ASSAULT WITH A DEADLY WEAPON THEN I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS.

They must know what they are doing to us. They must know that we have waited long for a tale of two actresses for whom pretending becomes something more. And they show up, Captain Perfect Hair and Admiral Puppy Face, stoking our feverish imaginations until, at last, we spontaneously combust all over our fan fic.


Do I sound like a crazy person? Maybe! BUT I AM WHAT YOU HAVE MADE ME, SHPOLO.

I want to be a calm and rational critic. I really do. But I can’t look at these pictures without imagining a future where someone asks the two of them how they kept their love affair a secret for so long.  They’ll exchange one of those “I know you like I know me” glances, laugh, and say “We didn’t.”

So consider yourself on notice, ladies. And like I say to my girlfriend: either stop doing that or do it a lot more.

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