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“Pretty Little Liars” recap (6.11): Five Years Forward, Five Years Back

Happy New Year, Boo Crew! I’m beyond excited to kick off the Pretty Little Liars Season 6B recaps and share in the insanity with all of you. It feels like it’s been five years since the divisive ending of 6A, where A was finally revealed to be Charlotte DiLaurentis aka CeCe Drake. When we last left the Liars, our girls were headed out to college, leaving Rosewood (and Ali) behind. Now it’s five years later, and the Liars are called back to their old stomping grounds.

We open in the halls of Rosewood High, the camera zooming past the lockers while classic PLL lines are recited. You know, like “Bitch can see” and some other ones I didn’t remember because what’s gonna top “Bitch can see”? Nothing, that’s what.

Emily leaned against the locker, still dripping wet from swim practice…now that’s some A+ fanfic!

We find Ali reading poetry in front of a classroom of students until the bell rings and she’s visited by Dr. Rollins (her future fiancĂ©e, if last season’s finale is to be believed) and Charlotte’s doctor. He tells her that the judge has approved a hearing for Charlotte’s release in four days. Ali is excited but quickly sits down to pen a letter to the Liars. We hear the content of the letters in voice-over as we catch up with our girls. So, what’s happened in the last five years?

I’m here to fill the rando white dude quotient of Rosewood!

Spencer got bangs and works in politics. Aria works in publishing and dresses like a real live person and not a Tim Burton character come to life. Ezra wrote a book called Ostinato, which I believe is Spanish for chickpeas. Hanna is flying first class and rocking an engagement ring.

DEFINITELY sitting in front of the Capitol building

Definitely dressed like an adult human woman

Definitely playing with a baby while drinking vodka

And Emily? Oh, Emily is tending bar and living in a van down by the river.

Hey, girl, you like pina coladas? Bc I made a bong out of a coconut, let’s get weird

In her letter, Ali pleads with her friends to give supportive testimony for Charlotte’s release, or to at least talk to her. When Ali tells Charlotte that the Liars are coming, Charlotte is all, “Will they still be mad?” Oh, girl. I think we all know the answer to that question.

Do you think they took my million attempts to murder them personally?

Spencer walks the (two) familiar streets of Rosewood, watching wistfully as a group of teenagers gets a group text. Those were the days.

LOL group texting each other tit pics was the best idea ever!

She goes to meet Emily at the Brew. Did I say Emily? I meant Pills McGee. Aria and Hanna join them, and it’s a joyful reunion, marked only by some awkwardly placed selfies. The Liars catch up, with Hanna thinking about a wedding in Italy, and Emily reminiscing about an Italian girl she once banged. I think this is the girl:

I googled Italian Woman and this was what came up. Ugh, of all the times to quit eating gluten!]

Aria teases Emily for taking five years to graduate college, and Emily laughs nervously. Spencer asks her for a tour of the Salk Institute, and Emily is all, “Uh, we’re closed for tours.” I love that this show gave Emily the most secrets, seeing as she’s the worst liar of the bunch.

Yup, I’m studying at the Salt and Lime Institute of Tequilology…I mean, um, science shit

The Liars discuss what they’re gonna say about Charlotte, and how nice it’s been to have five A-free years. Emily goes home to see Pam, who I guess finally escaped that DiLaurentis basement with the other moms. Emily touches the Veteran flag hanging in their window and grills her mom about her dating life.

Across town, Ashley Marin and Hanna are having brunch at the fabulous new Radley Hotel. Ashley Marin has quit her banking(?) job and turned everyone’s favorite sanitarium/lesbian ghost discotheque into a swanky new boutique hotel and bar. Ashley reminds Hanna that she doesn’t owe Alison anything, and Hanna assures her that she knows what she’s doing.

No mom, I don’t think “Go crazy for our prices!” is a sensitive tagline!

Over at Casa Montgomery, Aria gives Byron a book that her boyfriend Liam recommended. He asks if she’s seen Ezra at the Brew, and they allude to some tragedy that happened with him and Nicole (Emily’s Habitat friend) in South America. Later on, Aria meets Ezra at the Brew, and he tells her that revolutionaries stormed Habitat and kidnapped(or killed?) Nicole. He is, not surprisingly, devastated. I, not surprisingly, do not care.

No, I was only locked for weeks in a basement dungeon built of my nightmares, but please, let’s get back to your trauma.

Spencer gets home to find her mom in full campaign mode for state senator. Hastings in 2016, y’all. We find out that she was inspired by Spencer, who is now a lobbyist in D.C., or, as she calls it, keeping the government honest. Guys, Spencer basically accuses people of crimes FOR A LIVING NOW. Dreams really do come true.

Speaking of awkward run-ins with exes, Spencer finds Toby building a house single-handedly, because why not. We also find out that he and Caleb went fishing last summer, which is so BrokeBack Mountain I can’t even. He offers to buy her dinner, but she’s more interested in who he’s building that house for.

Caleb and I went fishing over the summer! We shared a tent and a bottle of lube.

Yeah, I figured as much.

The Liars gather in Ali’s classroom to reunite and listen to her pleas. Ali tells them that Charlotte is getting better, and she just wants to bring her home. She knows that the Liars have been called by the court to share their thoughts on Charlotte’s release, and she begs them to say they’re no longer scared of Charlotte. Guess who isn’t there supporting Charlotte? Jason DiLaurentis. The Liars tell Ali that they can’t forgive Charlotte for trying to murder them a million times, and Spencer is like, “we are too grown for this shit”. It’s pretty wild to see the Liars simultaneously reject Ali like this…like she’s lost the hold she had on them for all those years.

I swear Charlotte is all better now. She only wears pink hoodies!

The Liars gather later at a Veronica Hastings rally to discuss the fallout with Ali. Hanna makes the point that they are all living their happily ever afters while Charlotte has never known true freedom or a normal life. Right then, Mona Fucking Vanderwaal rolls up to Spencer. Oh, Mona, how we missed you!

You didn’t see me at the Kennedy Center Honors? I was sitting on the president’s lap

Mona asks Spencer if she still has nightmares because she’s been through shrinks and meds and still has post-doll house trauma. Before Spencer can respond, she’s called up to the podium to speak for her mother.

Later that night, Toby and Emily hang out and have a beer. Toby talks falling out of sync with Spencer while Emily discusses falling out of sync with the world when her father died. Guys, Nihilistic No Fucks to Give Emily is pretty hot, not gonna lie.

You wanna smoke some Gak and knock over the Brew?

The next day, we see a montage of Charlotte’s hearing: Ali begs the judge to bring the missing piece of her family home. Hanna, Spencer, and Emily LIE their asses off and say they are no longer afraid of Charlotte. But Aria? Aria did NOT come to play. As she sits in front of the judge, she has PTSD flashbacks of the Doll House. She tells the judge about a panic attack she had on the subway, and that she does not feel safe with Charlotte free. Four snaps for you, Aria. Also, Ezra walks in, as if people can just wander off the street into private hearings.

That reminds me, your honor, what is the statute of limitations on this whole Ezria thing?

Finally, it’s Mona’s turn: she tells the court that she wants to hate Charlotte, but as a former Radley resident herself, she knows how twisted the place can be. Mona for Team Charlotte, who knew? She leaves in tears.

Spencer and Emily have drinks at Radley and comment on how weird it is that the place they used to break into to steal files/ghost waltz is now a trendy hotel. Aria and Hanna join them, and Ali texts everyone that Charlotte was released and is coming home tonight. Their response? Let’s get wasted and party in Hanna’s hotel suite. And they do. The Liars toast to Charlotte as a security camera starts recording them.

Let’s flip some birds and get wasted! Adulting!

What do you think is in the Slow Waltzing with Basement Ghosts-tini?

The next morning, the Liars wake up hungover. Also, Emily shared the bed with Hanna and Tumblr exploded. Emily drops her purse, revealing more pills and a pack of needles. Ooh girl, please tell us you’re a diabetic or something. While Emily struggles to shove the pharmacy back in her purse, the Liars get a call from Ali: Charlotte escaped in the night and is missing. Well fuck.

Look at Emily frantically shoving an entire Rite-Aid in her purse in the background

We then head to the church, where Charlotte’s body lies dead in the lawn, having been tossed from the bell tower like she’s some sort of Ian. After all that, Charlotte DiLaurentis is dead. Ugh, really? This is disappointing for so many reasons. Charlotte was such an interesting character, and seeing her adjust to life outside an asylum would have been fascinating to watch. I would have loved to see her interact with the Liars, and maybe explore a redemption story with her. Also, do we really need another dead trans girl on TV? I don’t think so.

Whelp, this seems like a missed opportunity.

Although knowing this show, she may not even be dead. She’s probably dead, though. Remember when we all saw Mona’s dead body in that trunk? LIES.

Ali is beyond devastated, and Emily rushes to her side to comfort her. Emily may not be able to take care of herself, but she is still aces at caring for other people.

Can I get you anything? A Xanax? Percoset? Yellow Bomber? Blue Voodoo? Crank? Meth? Horse? Smack? Reefer cigarette? Giggle stick? Tampon?

Back at Radley Hotel, Caleb shows up at Hanna’s door. She is surprised to see him, and it’s awkward. He wanted to make sure she was okay because caring for Hanna is now a conditioned reflex. Hanna thinks that they should have been honest about Charlotte, which would have kept her safe in the asylum. She offers to get him a room at the hotel, but he’s crashing in Spencer’s barn.

Caleb leaves and meets Spencer in the lobby. She asks him how it was, and they leave together. I’m getting some weird vibes here. Are Caleb and Spencer hooking up? There’s definitely something going on. Spaleb? Not sure I can get on board with this.

If you’re living in my barn, I WILL develop an unhealthy crush on you, just FYI

Another day in Rosewood, another funeral. The Liars pull their funeral chic out of their closets and roll into Charlotte’s service.

So are we taking the funeral selfie now or after the service?

But guess who crashes the funeral, in a veil, with a manservant, like some sort of Jenna? Sara Fucking Harvey. She is walking like some sort of Barbie doll/robot and eyeballs the Liars who avert her gaze. Really show, you take Charlotte, but you leave us with Shower Shark? Thumbs down.

When Emily Fields punches you in the face, you need a seeing eye human

I’m made of wax, bitches. And I know everything.

As the Liars walk out of the church, Lorenzo stops them to ask them to remain in town. Turns out that Charlotte was dead before she was tossed off the bell tower, so now it’s a murder investigation. And who would have more motive to kill her than the Liars?

Well, we really beefed it this time, ladies. Cocktails?

As Patsy Cline starts playing, a tinted window rolls up, and the new A drives away. Or is it B? Second verse, same as the first, y’all. Don’t worry about it girls, it’s just Rosewood.

What did you think of last night’s episode? Tweet me your feels and conspiracy theories @ChelseaProcrast

Thanks as always to Nicole aka @PLLBigA for her screencaps. I’ll see you at the Radley bar!

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