“American Horror Story: Hotel” recap (5.10): Hotline Bang

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Wow, that was a busy episode. Every storyline moved forward, and it ended on an incredible twist. Also, “Hotline Bling.” Controversial opinion: I like that song approximately one thousand times more than “Hello.” So, in honor of Drake, let’s start at the bottom and work our way up to the best storyline.

The Valentino storyline comes to an abrupt but blessed end this week. First, The Countess invites Natasha over for some sex and murder.

ahs10.1WHAT EXCELLENT BI REPRESENTATION! I REALLY MUST SEND RYAN MURPHY A CARD!

At the same time, Donovan breaks into Valentino’s motel to remove the competition for the Countess’ affections. The silent stars fight back, but they are no match for guns/Gaga’s Brooklyn accent. (“You’re cheap!”)

ahs10.2 I FIND YOUR DEATH VERY TEDIOUS.

So both Donovan and the Countess kill their lovers’ lovers, like a bloodier version of that famous O. Henry story. I’m not sure why they gave Finn Wittrock another character just to kill him off again, but that smarmy accent was killing me.

Next up, John. I am so over John. I was fine with him as the tortured hero, and I was fine with him as the deranged villain, but now the show is having him do both at the same time, and it’s just too much for one actor. It’s like if Harry Potter realized he really was the Heir of Slytherin and spent half his time shouting “death to all mudbloods” and the other half worrying about Quidditch.

Anyway, The Ten Commandment Killer continues his spree by cutting the ears off a congregation of Pagans, to the delight of Sally and James. The only thing less believable than John’s double life is Sally’s supposed love for him. Those two are completely uninvested in each other and have less chemistry than those dud kernels of popcorn at the bottom of the pan.

ahs10.3WHY DON’T I JUST GO HOME TO MY GIRLFRIEND AND YOU JUST GO HOME TO YOUR PLASTIC BAG.

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