“The Vampire Diaries” (7.9): Have Yourself A Scary Little Christmas

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Welcome to the mid-season finale of The Vampire Diaries! I’m still reeling from last week’s not entirely unexpected, but still horrifying tragedy: Mary Louise and Nora broke up. Oh, plus Lily died or whatever. Maybe this week will be a reprieve from all the heartache and we’ll just get an hour of Damon and Alaric bantering while Norlou has makeup sex.

tvd 9.1Or, you know, not.

Three years in the future, Valerie pleads with Stefan not to walk into the trap the still-unnamed Big Bad has baited with Damon and Caroline. When it becomes clear that he’s definitely going to, she wants to tag along, but he’s not going to let his nemesis use Valerie–who’s now his girlfriend–to round out her hostage collection. He promises her “I’ll be back before you know it,” which, dude, why? How have you been around for a century and a half and you’ve never seen a single horror movie? Anyway, Valerie tries not to cry as Stefan heads off (in her car, since he set his on fire) to meet his fate.

In the present day, Stefan and Damon are carrying Lily’s coffin into the woods, accompanied by Nora and Valerie. No one’s heard from Julian or Mary Louise since Lily died, and Beau is too devastated to appear in this episode, so they’re all that’s left to say goodbye to Lily. Stefan and the heretics are appropriately mournful, but Damon is being a snarky dick. (Every sentence anyone writes about The Vampire Diaries could conceivably end with “but Damon is being a snarky dick.”)

tvd 9.2Why did we invite him, again?

Nora and Valerie leave the brothers alone to eulogize their mother in private, but Damon is being a snarky dick. Stefan apologizes to his mother and promises to “make things right.” Hero Hair is on the case–we can probably just wrap up this episode now because I’m sure everything will be fine.

While Stefan hunts for Julian with the extremely unhelpful help of a drunken Damon, Caroline organizes a Christmas toy drive and fights off pregnancy-induced blood and marshmallow fluff cravings. She leaves Bonnie in charge of the toys to head to her birthing class with Alaric.

Damon wants to know how Stefan plans to handle his girlfriend becoming a mom. Stefan points out that, technically, Caroline is just the twins’ surrogate; Rick will be co-parenting with a bottle of whiskey as the good Lord intended. Damon makes a crack about Stefan never quite being a father, which is harsh even for him. Why is Damon even here? He justifies his presence by opining that Stefan could never take Julian alone, but Damon is so drunk he’s audibly sloshing, so it’s difficult to see him as anything but a hindrance.

tvd 9.3So the plan is, I’ll distract Julian by barfing on him, then you stake him.

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