Welcome back to Mystic Falls, where the plot twists outnumber the people three to one. I apologize for missing the last episode, but I hope you’ll forgive me because I have a really good excuse: my partner was in labor! Anyway, Mary Louise and Nora weren’t even in last week’s episode, so we didn’t miss out on any lesbian heretic drama. The biggest development that went down in my absence was Lily coming to the realization that Julian is the worst, and joining her sons on Team Take That Motherfucker Down.
Three years in the future, Damon regains consciousness chained to a chair. We’re finally about to find out the identity of 2018’s mysterious Big Bad!
Well, this is kind of anticlimactic. I was still hoping for Zombie Jo.
Back in the present, Lily is snuggling in bed with Julian experiencing whatever is the exact opposite of an afterglow. She has to keep up appearances so he doesn’t suspect she’s plotting his death, but before the Scooby Gang can kill him they have to unlink his life from hers (Damon objects to this extra step, but he’s been overruled). That means they’ll need to get a heretic on their side, and unfortunately, all the remaining heretics in Casa Salvatore are still firmly Team Julian.
In the kitchen, Mary Louise and Nora share a romantic moment while Nora burns the pancakes for their 133rd anniversary breakfast.
There’s nothing sexier than a terrible cook.
Meanwhile, the Salvatore brothers and Enzo plot to win the hearts and minds and, most importantly, spell-undoing magic powers of Nora, Mary Louise, and/or Beau. Valerie volunteers to help by telling them the truth about what Julian did in 1903.
Mary Louise and Nora (do we have a ship name for those two yet? Norlou? Marra? I’m bad at this) are offended that Lily forgot their anniversary. Julian swoops in to reassure them that Lily has been planning a party in their honor. The girls politely express their opinion that a party thrown by Lily is likely to be a bit tame for their tastes, but Julian insists it’s going to be a rager. Bouncy castle made of human skin, anyone?
Caroline is writing to Elena about her mystical twin pregnancy and her super-understandable ambivalence about the whole situation when she gets a call from Matt. Julian’s pantry full o’ people is empty and he wants to find out why. Caroline can’t help, though, because she has to figure out how to tell her boyfriend “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m pregnant with someone else’s babies.”
And don’t even get me started on pregnancy cravings as a vampire. Do you know how annoying it is to wash the blender after making a pickle, ice cream, and B positive smoothie?