The Top 5 Lesbionic Moments from last night’s “Pretty Little Liars: Five Years Forward”

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In lieu of a Halloween or Christmas special, Pretty Little Liars gave us what was essentially an hourlong commercial last night. But am I complaining? Hell no! This special gave us spoilers for season 6B, interviews with the cast and crew, and never-before-seen scenes that take place during the time jump. Sure it’s no Ghost Train, but what is? WHAT IS YOU GUYS? Here my top five lesbionic moments from Five Years Forward (that do not include Spencer’s bangs):

Oh, and SPOILERS AHEAD for the new season.

DeprEzra

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Guys, Ezra is going through a tough time right now. A TOUGH TIME. Tougher than when he dated teenagers and lied to them. Tougher than when he spied on them for years and got caught. Tougher than when he got stuck on that ski lift with Aria’s cry face. After the 6A finale, Ezra runs off to join Habitat for Humanity with Emily’s pal Nicole. Basically, he’s doing what Emily did after Maya died. Here’s my interpretation of the scene we never saw:

EZRA: My high school girlfriend dumped me. Can I follow you and Rumer Willis into the jungle and join Habitat for Humanity?

NICOLE: I dunno guy, I was really hoping Emily would join me. I mean, have you seen her hair?

EZRA: Not only have I seen it, I’ve eaten an empanada full of it.

NICOLE: I don’t have a response for that.

EZRA: Please please please let me build houses and develop an alcohol problem with you! I’m passionate about charities like Cards Against Humanity.

NICOLE: That is NOT what we’re called. Ugh, just get in the van.

Hanna and Mona in Springbreakers 2

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During one of the exclusive time jump scenes, Mona visits Ali, bringing buttercream cupcakes, veiled threats and snipes galore. This scene is basically a big exposition dump, but who cares because MONA VANDERWAAL. We find out that not only are Hanna and Mona still friends, they spent spring break together and crashed a party at Matt Damon’s house. Spring Break? Florida? Parties? I think we all know what/who went down during that week. Spring Break Forever, y’all.

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Emily Has a Big Gay Post-College Life Crisis

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While all the Liars have gone on to successful new careers and romances, poor Emily has had a rough go of things in the five year gap. First, her father dies in the army, robbing Rosewood of its only decent father. RIP Mr. Fields. You were the only adult male in Rosewood who wasn’t disgusting. Emily drops out of Pepperdine and starts bar-tending, and adopts a “darker, yet beachy” make-up style and fashion trend. Emily will no doubt join other post-college Cali lesbians by picking up one of the following hobbies: surfing, vaping, spoken word poetry, or writing/starring in her own web series. Maybe all of the above.

Paily is On! (maybe)

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According to Mona and Ali, Emily has been traveling up the coast to spend time with Paige and her puffy drapes. Are they back together? Friends with benefits? Or just BFFs who used to bang, i.e. every lesbian friendship ever. We’ll have to wait until January to find out. Either way, a Paige cameo looks promising.

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That Wine and Cheese Spread

Guys, Marlene bought the girls a lovely wine and cheese spread, proving what we already knew:

  1. Lesbians are gracious hostesses
  2. Lesbians love wine and cheese.

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It’s like those Ilene Chaiken interstitials Showtime used to play before The L Word, only in those, Ilene was always alone with a glass of wine in a bubble bath or something. Marlene don’t roll like that. She’s the Anti-Chaiken if you will. Maybe she can wrap up some of that Gruyere and toss it over Ilene’s fence. Daniela Sea must be starving.

See you #Boo crew in January 2016! XOXO @ChelseaProcrast

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