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“Once Upon A Time” recap (5.08 & 5.09): Old ships, new ships, Red ships, blue ships

Hi friends! This week was a two-fer, and the first episode was super straight with a dash of SwanQueen to try to keep us from setting our TVs on fire, and the second episode was the best episode since Elsa left. The first was very heavy-handed…her, hooked, so I’m going to try to make it quick, but brevity has never been a skill of mine. So bear with me til we get to the good stuff.

Oh, also, despite what the promos said, this was not a two-hour special. This was just two episodes aired on the same night, because the AMAs are airing next Sunday night. So don’t be fooled. The episodes couldn’t be more disconnected.

Previously on Once Upon A Time, Emma rejoined the sword and the dagger and pranced around Storybrooke acting non-committally evil. We go there now, with David taking the two other men on Team Charming to confront Arthur, presumably because he didn’t want things to go well. David points a gun at him (incorrectly?) and Arthur flips a ping pong table to escape.

The doofuses get themselves into a pickle and Arthur has his sword up, just about to put us all out of our misery and slay the pirate, when the Dark Swan swoops in and saves the day. Arthur is jealous of her big long sword and he scurries away. Hook tries to apologize for being stupid and Emma just rolls her eyes at him and says everything will be over tomorrow.

Hook doesn’t want to just trust that though so he starts shouting questions at her until finally she snaps and yells that she’s doing everything for him in a voice that sounds like she’s starting to regret that fact and poofs away.

Flash back to three weeks ago in Camelot, where not-yet-dark Emma stares at her little red ember and tries to figure out how to turn it into a flame. She goes into Granny’s to decide what to do, but Merlin interrupts her conversation with Henry and Granny, saying Arthur ordered him to bring the dagger and ember to Arthur or everyone she loves will die. Arthur begs her to just do it, and to not seek vengeance after, lest the dark ruin what is currently a really good hair day.

Present-day Hook tries to get answer for Arthur in the sheriff’s station, but David tells him to back down. Regina laughs at Hook for thinking the Dark Swan is telling him the truth when she said she’s doing everything for him. I mean, surely, this independent woman who recently lost her baby daddy and took an awful lot of begging and convincing to even date the pirate wouldn’t be risking her family just for him. That would be the stupidest thing ever. Regina says that the Dark Swan is going to destroy light magic, and that fact she hasn’t done it yet means she must be missing an ingredient, and if they find it first, they can help bring “our Emma” back.

Hook would never take advice from a woman, though, so he goes to Gold for help instead. Gold also agrees that it being about Hook sounds very unlikely, so probably Emma did something in Camelot so bad that she had to erase everyone’s memories and is now going on an apology tour of sorts.

Hook runs out into the street, shouting Emma’s name into the night to no avail.

Camelot Emma sits alone, more desperate to turn the ember into a flame to save Regina and the others. RumpleVoice tells her that Arthur will kill her as soon as he forges Excalibur, and she fights with him until Henry comes out. Unfortunately, the kid’s been spending too much time with Hook and David, because his idea of helping is telling Emma that as soon as they get back to Storybrooke, Hook is going to ask her to move in with her. But she realizes the voices in her head are right and she needs to use the darkness one last time.

Emma goes to the forest and finds her family tied to trees and Merlin looking at her like the Genie looked at Aladdin when Jafar was his master.

Present-day Zelena starts getting attacked by her baby so the nurse calls Robin and Regina to her cell. Turns out Emma sped up Zelena’s pregnancy so she’s about to pop.

Outside, Hook continues to shout Emma’s name and decides the best way to get her attention is to launch himself off the rooftop. Sure enough, the Dark Swan catches him, and he’s quite cocky about it. It’s disgusting, the whole thing. Adding it to the list of things written on the paper I’m going to shove down someone’s throat the next time they try to tell me there are no lady kisses because it’s a ‘family show.’

They talk, it’s whatever. She offers to tell him the truth so she leads him to her house and says that he’s the one who picked this house, her house. She promises it’s almost time for her to tell him the whole truth, but she can’t have him foiling her plans just yet. She kisses him, but she must use Agent Carter’s special lipstick, because Hook collapses.

At the hospital, Zelena is shouting about onion rings when Dr. Whale shows up looking like a zombie. They make a comment about it and he’s like, “Seriously? Of all the things on this show that demand explanation, my hair is what we’re gonna talk about?” Mary Margaret and Belle bust in, saying Emma needs the cry of a newborn baby, so Regina promises to protect the baby.

In Camelot, Emma gives Zelena the box, saying it’s the flame, but when she opens it up, ropes shoot out and tie Zelena to a tree. Regina is proud of her girl for the trickery.

Arthur sics Merlin on Emma, but Merlin knocks her down before being ordered to kill Mary Margaret. Emma shouts at Merlin to fight the darkness and so Merlin tries and eventually succeeds. Hook chooses now-far too late, in my opinion, considering Emma was literally sitting on a log while these buffoons were tied to a tree-to take off his hook and escape his chains. He knocks Arthur down, earning himself a nice scrape on the neck, but causing Arthur and Zelena to poof away, taking their magic chains with them.

Emma picks up the sword. She’s ready to rid herself of the darkness.

They call go to Granny’s, and Regina asks where Emma is, and is told she’s outside trying to turn the ember into a spark. Knowing her and Emma never have trouble in the spark department, she goes out to ask if Emma needs help.

Regina says she knows the lure of darkness, and literally says the words, “You can lie to your parents, you can lie to yourself, but you can’t lie to me.” They know each other on a deep level. Regina knows what Emma needs to help her break down her walls. Regina picks up the dagger and demands to know the truth. Emma says she’s afraid if she lets go of the darkness she won’t be strong enough to protect her family anymore. Regina says that’s good but she wants more.

Before Emma can answer again, the Two Idiots and the Beards run out and all they see is Regina holding up the dagger at that awkward “are you reading the blade or threatening me” angle. Hook grabs the dagger out of her hands and they all accuse her of being cruel because they don’t have a brain between them. Emma knows she should defend Regina, but is too afraid of her own truths, so she runs away.

In Storybrooke, a baby girl is born. Emma poofs into the room, causing Robin and Regina to huddle around the baby. But the baby isn’t what Emma is after, so she poofs away with Zelena instead.

She takes Zelena down to her basement, where Hook is already prisoner. She does her evil exposition thing where she says she’s going to put all the dark magic in Zelena, then strike her down with Excalibur. Hook is wary of this plan, but Emma points out that she killed Neal and Marion and raped Robin Hood, and kind of already died once already, so why not use her as a vessel to get out of this storyline? It’s not like they can’t spare a body in Storybrooke.

In Camelot, Hook apologizes for Regina as if he has any place to, and Emma tells him to shut up because Regina was the only one being smart. Emma admits her darkest truth: She’s afraid of the future. She’s afraid of what happens after they get back to Storybrooke. She is so afraid of what life will be like living with Hook that she is letting the DARKEST DARK MAGIC eat her alive. Sounds like true love, right? The ember burst into flames, and Hook thinks it’s because they kissed, but I think it’s because it wanted them to shut up already.

Present day Storybrooke. Regina and the Charmings storm to Emma’s house to get Zelena back. Regina is ready to show Emma a thing or two about dark magic. The Charmings are wary but Regina knows what Emma wants, what Emma needs. Emma meets them on the porch and says she promises they’ll all thank her, that Regina will be happier with Zelena out of the picture. Regina calls her “Miss Swan” because she’s not acting like herself and Emma is sick and tired of people saying that.

Meanwhile in the basement, Hook uses his magic-when-it’s-convenient hook to cut Zelena’s cuff off. Zelena changes her outfit and uncuffs Hook, too. Hook says he wants to stick around, so Zelena leaves him behind, walking through the door because they hit their poof cap for the day.

Hook tires to find the squid ink Emma stole from Gold’s shop and he finds it just in time to throw it on Emma, stopping her in her tracks. And just for a bit of juxtaposition, Regina used magic to get Emma to tell her the truth, to try to help her. Hook used magic to incapacitate her. It’s like getting a girl drunk so she’ll share her feelings vs. slipping her a roofie so she’ll do whatever you want her to. Both are manipulative, neither are right, but one is definitely more wrong/dangerous than the other, and have very different intentions. Anyway, Zelena comes storming back into the house and stabs Hook in the chest with a kitchen knife. Emma tries to scream out but not because she doesn’t want Hook to die, but because she doesn’t want him to realize that being stabbed doesn’t affect him at all. Zelena holds up a dreamcatcher she happened to find lying around and despite Emma’s protests, Zelena shows him anyway.

Flash back to Team Charming in Camelot at Granny’s, standing around the sword and dagger. Emma almost gets the sword back together when Hook’s neck wound Emma healed comes back tenfold. Hook starts to die and he begs her to just finish the job but instead of listening to the one smart thing the man ever said, Emma decides there’s another way. Merlin says her way will create a new Dark One, a second, and Regina says not to do it, but Emma doesn’t care, and says if she had to bring back Robin for Regina she can bring back Hook for herself.

Emma uses Excalibur and sucks him into it, causing him to re-emerge from the blackness like she once did.

Present-day Zelena shows Hook that both of their names are etched onto Excalibur now, which Zelena finds just hilarious. Hook realizes Emma hasn’t been saving his life all this time, she’s been shielding him from the truth.

Emma tries to explain again her plan to kill Zelena and take the darkness out of both of them, but Zelena tempts Hook with more answers and suddenly he’s ready to abandon Emma entirely.

END EPISODE ONE. Admittedly not as short as I would have liked but it’s okay because we made it this far and shall be rewarded three-fold. Onward!

We start in Camelot, in King Arthur’s castle, which is where Zelena and Arthur ended up after losing to Emma and her band of misfits. They try to decide what to do next, and Arthur mentions he knows something that may help, but they would need to go to DunBroch to get it.

DunBroch, of course, being the land of Merida, who is currently putting a rose on her father’s grave. Her mum tells her that her father will always be with her in spirit, and where she needs to be is at her own coronation.

Flash back to several years earlier, where King Fergus himself busts into the witch’s cabin, asking for magic to help him in his upcoming battle and the future of his kingdom. She agrees to help, but warns him magic always comes with a price, and makes him sign a scroll. She mixes a potion and out of her cauldron comes a helm that she promises will get him what he wants.

Back to coronation day, where Merida is being presented with her crown. But before her mum says the word ‘queen’ the witch storms in saying she needs the crown by sundown tomorrow or everyone in the kingdom will be turned into bears. Which isn’t so bad, as far as curses goes, but also not particularly ideal. And besides, she threatened the queen in front of the whole kingdom. So a quest it is.

Merida’s mum is tearing apart the castle trying to find the helm, but Merida says he was wearing it when he was killed, and the knight who killed him took it off his body. Merida smiles a wicked smile and her mum tries to get her not to go, but Merida is already halfway out the door. Merida promises her arrow won’t miss this time.

Rewind to two years earlier, when Merida’s dad took her to an army camp for the first time. Her hair was smaller, but her wit just as sharp. There were boys no older than her writing their own wills just in case, opening Merida’s eyes to the seriousness of the situation. Fergus gifts Merida his own first war bow, and her eyes light up like the sun.

The light turns to fire, though, when Fergus tells her that he’s brought a soldier to camp to teach Merida the art of war. Merida’s temper flares and she shouts about how she doesn’t need a man to learn how to fight. She wields her anger and throws it at the warrior, but the warrior knocks her flat in an instant. But Merida’s anger turns to a laugh of delight when she sees who it is.

Merida is so happy and Mulan is so happy and everyone is so happy. Mulan says she’ll not only teach her how to fight, but how to fight with honor, and maybe even they can practice kissing, and Merida is pleased a pig in…mud.

Present-day Mulan is fighting grumpy men in a tavern when Merida finds her and stops her. She says she needs Mulan’s help, but Mulan is done with honor; it doesn’t put money in her hand or food in her belly. Merida is confused-this isn’t the Mulan she knew-but she offers her gold to help her anyway. Mulan agrees, on one condition: No personal questions.

Arthur and Zelena go to the witch’s cabin to look for her, but instead find what looks like a direwolf. A beautiful direwolf. Zelena throws a sleeping potion on the wolf and the witch appears, telling them she doesn’t have the helm. After a bit of…persuasion…she confesses that she sent Merida after it.

Merida and Mulan go back to the battlefield that apparently has remained untouched since the war, because they find the arrow that Merida shot at the knight who killed her father, with ripped cloth still on it. Bristled by Mulan’s attitude, Merida asks her what made her close her heart, and Mulan bats away memories of that moment on the bridge and says a true warrior doesn’t let anyone close enough to hurt them.

Flashback to happier times, where the two of them fight and laugh and fight and laugh.

The boys from the other clans mock them, and Merida is about to string them all up by their tongues, but Mulan tells her to attack smart, not strong. If she wants the boys to take her seriously as a leader, why not ask her father how he does it instead of embarrassing the people she needs on her side.

Present-day Mulan and Merida are greeted by some unexpected guests when Zelena and Arthur appear. They tell Merida they’re also looking for the helm, because it makes other people fight your battles for you, no questions asked. Merida doesn’t believe her father would use such trickery on his kingdom, but the bad guys just laugh in her face. Mulan shoos them away, saying they don’t have the helm anyway.

But Zelena didn’t expect them to. Instead, she takes Merida’s bow, the one her father gave her, and says she’s going to use a locator spell on it. They poof away, leaving Merida downright distraught. She storms off, and Mulan asks her where she’s going; they still have time to find it. Merida doesn’t want to anymore, though. Her father was a fraud and he paid the ultimate price for trying to take a magical shortcut. Merida’s plan is just to go back to the other clans and let the men take care of it for her, because nothing she believed in feels true anymore, not even feminism. Mulan panics, saying she can’t give up, there aren’t that many feminist princesses out there, they have to stick together! Merida is like, “Okay fine then tell me how YOU lost your faith and maybe we can find it together.” But Mulan isn’t ready to tell her secrets just yet, so Merida rides away without her.

Flashback to Merida finding her dad standing by the lake, keeping watch for the enemy troops. Merida knows she can fight better than any of the men back in camp, but she still needs to learn one thing that Mulan can’t teach her. How to be a leader. She asks him how to inspire men who just wrote their wills to follow her into battle. He says the only way to get people to follow you in a situation like that is to show them that you’re willing to risk your own life, too. If they see you willing to fight first-hand for something, they’ll know it’s something worth fighting for.

Mulan goes to the witch’s house and is greeted by the direworld. It pounces on her and Mulan smirks at it, realizing now that it’s not a wolf at all, not really. Mulan kicks a cauldron over and luckily it wasn’t like a frog transformation potion, and it turns the wolf on top of her into a woman. Still on top of her.

The woman says that her name is Ruby, but her friends call her Red.

YOU GUYS. After after years of feeling like I never got closure with my beloved werewolf. Years of wondering why we were stuck with Robin Hood but didn’t even get to see Mulan as one of his merry men. Years of missing them every episode. Mulan and Ruby are BACK. IN THE SAME SCENE. And Mulan is totally enamored with Li’l Red.

As they begin to travel along, they start to get to know each other. Red asks if she’s Mulan, and says her friends told her all about her. Mulan’s voice grows cold and she asks if it was Philip and Aurora who told her. Ruby says it was Mary Margaret and the gang, but she knows them, too. And last she heard, they were about to have a baby, happily in love and very straight. Mulan’s heart falls out of her chest and gets trampled by her horse. Ruby apologizes if she said something wrong, and Mulan changes the subject, asking Ruby how she ended up back in the Enchanted Forest.

So we go back, way back, to baby Neal’s naming party at Granny’s. (A scene I feel pretty sure Ruby was not in originally.) After the announcement, Ruby slinks into the back hall, and Mary Margaret follows. She asks her what’s wrong, and Ruby explains that ever since they came back to Storybrooke, she’s felt…out of place. Mary Margaret understands, saying that she’s the only one of “her kind” here.

Ruby wants to go back to the Enchanted Forest to find more people like her, and maybe people who don’t hook up with stupid boys, as all her former crushes have. The Snow White still left inside Mary Margaret will miss Little Red very much, but she supports this decision.

When she finishes her story, Mulan asks Red if she found what she was looking for, and she didn’t. Her pack was gone and she kept getting lost on the way to the commune, so she went to the witch for help and ended up trapped as a guard wolf. Ruby asks why Mulan was at the cabin, and Mulan confesses she was going to ask for magical help to find the man who killed her friend’s father. But never fear, Ruby is a particularly good finder, and offers to track the scent for her.

Mulan storms back to Merida, saying she has a new friend who can help them, and Merida gives Ruby a proper up-and-down, pleased to meet her I’m sure.

Flashback to the war, when Merida realizes that Mulan is sparring with her to distract her and keep her off the battlefield. Merida won’t have any of that so she runs towards the sound of swords clashing. Merida is at the top of the hill when she sees a knife slink toward her dad from behind. She tries to warn him to no avail, so she tries to shoot the knight with an arrow, but gets only his cloak instead. Fergus falls to the ground, the knight steals the helm, and Mulan has to hold Merida back from launching herself into the battle where she would surely only get herself killed.

After Mulan drags Merida away, the knight takes off his helmet…and it’s Arthur. Because of course it is.

Present day Zelena and Arthur find the helm in the lake, but an arrow knocks it out of their hands. Ruby sniffs the air and confirms, the killer is Arthur.

Merida is confused; he already took the helm, why is he here? Arthur says the helm he took of Fergus’s body was fake, and Merida realizes that he must have thrown it into the lake before the battle. Her faith in her father restored, she faces off against Arthur, king vs. queen. Merida wants vengeance, Zelena wants out. Mulan stops Zelena though, threatening to fight her. Zelena laughs at her sword and conjures up a fireball to counter it. But is immediately doused with sleeping powder from a very awake werewolf. Ruby enjoys the symmetry of the moment.

Merida and Arthur find themselves at a standoff when dozens of men, including the three leaders of the other clans, appear with arrows trained at Arthur and a very sleepy Zelena.

Knowing when to exit gracefully, Zelena poofs them both back to Camelot.

Merida picks up the helm and thanks her warriors, who take a knee for her. The fact that she set out on the journey to find the helm and save the kingdom convinced them that she was their rightful leader after all. They liken her to her father, and are all smiling happily when she’s finally given her crown.

The witch storms into the coronation (in an adorable background moment, Ruby launches after her, but Mulan holds her back), but Merida has been expecting her. She says that she found the helm, but she’s not going to give it back, she’s going to destroy it. No one should have the power to control people-a theme she thinks is used too often on this show anyway. She expected to fight the witch, but the witch just smiles proudly. Fergus asked the witch to help him ensure a bright future for his kingdom, and in passing the witch’s test, Merida has done just that.

The witch gives Merida magical ale that will allow her one conversation with her late father. The room cheers, long live Queen Merida.

At her father’s grave, Merida thanks her new friends, Mulan and Ruby.

Mulan gives Merida her gold back; she doesn’t need it now that she found her honor again. Merida asks if NOW she’ll tell her what happened. Mulan confesses that she was trying to get over a broken heart. She cleverly avoids pronouns-a trick all baby gays learn before they’re fully out-and says she waited too long to confess her feelings and when she finally did, it was too late. Ruby ate the only person she dated, so isn’t exactly an expert on relationships, but she says that Mulan should come with her anyway. Maybe helping Red find her pack will help Mulan find hers, too. Mulan can’t resist that wolfish grin and agrees to go with.

Merida hugs them both and wishes them luck and sends them on their way. She then goes to her father’s grave and pours the magic ale on it. Her father appears and they talk about the day, about how Merida doubted him but then found out the truth she really always knew. And about how all Merida wants is to make him proud. He promises she already has, so they share a tearful hug. He disappears, and she whispers, “I love you,” into the wind, and as a total daddy’s girl, I’m not even going to pretend my eyes didn’t leak a little. Merida steels her face and turns around and swears before the gods and all still watching this godforsaken show that she will get Arthur and she will get him good.

And can I just say, THAT was a good episode of Once Upon A Time. No terrible examples of what “true love” looks like, no men asserting their dominance over women for no reason or using magic to manipulate women and being touted as a hero for it, no sexual tension diverted by the overuse of the word “friend,” no irresponsible storytelling like trying to make it sound like threatening suicide is a good way to get someone you love to pay attention to you. None of the crap that usually dampens our ability to enjoy an episode of this show, making us wonder if all the nonsense is even worth the few seconds of tension we get between Emma and Regina every other episode. It was about family, it was about friendship, it was about honor. It was about magic and its dangers, it was about trust. Heck dare I say it was even an attempt at being about feminism! And, most importantly, no queer characters were harmed in the making of this episode.

Now, I’ve been trying to avoid spoilers about the promised LGBT+ storyline this season, because I want my hopes to be so low they’re practically non-existent to avoid getting my heart broken like Aurora broke Mulan’s. But it’s my understanding that we haven’t seen the last of the ship named MulanRouge. (Okay fine I think the more mainstream ship name is RedWarrior, but MulanRouge is so fun.) Or actually I shouldn’t even say that. We haven’t seen the last of Mulan. I don’t even know if it’s been confirmed that that’s what the pairing will be, and quite frankly I don’t want to know. Not yet. I want to enjoy this episode for the slice of girl power it was, and keep praying to the TV gods that they don’t muck this up too badly.

What did you think of “Birth” and “The Bear King?”

Here are some of our favorite #queerytales tweets from this week:

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

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