“The Vampire Diaries” recap (7.6): Gone babies gone

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This week on The Vampire Diaries Family Reunion Variety Show, we’re back in Mystic Falls, and so is Julian, the vampire with a heart of battery acid and dead spiders who was recently resurrected to make out with Lily.

But first, we’re checking in once again with three-years-in-the-future Alaric and Damon. Damon wants Alaric to call Caroline, because she’s not answering Damon’s calls and she needs to know that Stefan is once again on the run. It turns out Alaric is Caroline’s mystery fiancée, which, ew. I am super uncomfortable with the age difference between “permanently seventeen” and “old enough to have been married to Elena’s mother.” That, however, is a conversation for another day because Caroline is on the news with blood on her face and some breaking news for Stefan Salvatore.

tvd 6.1This just in: a crossbow bolt to my neck, so it’s a really good thing I’m immortal.

Then it’s back in the DeLorean for a trip to Sepia Tinted Old Times, where human Stefan is teaching his son how to shoot. But when he takes his eye off the kid, he disappears, and Stefan wakes up in the present day remembering that he never had a child.

Caroline finds Stefan sleeping on the couch just as Valerie comes in wearing only a towel to tell him he’s out of shampoo.

tvd 6.2I think you’re all stocked up on awkward situations, though.

Caroline is understandably a little miffed that Stefan didn’t tell her he was having a slumber party with his ex. He explains that he’s hiding Valerie from Lily and Julian’s inevitable revenge, though protecting the woman who turned her skin into poison is not high on Caroline’s list of priorities. Stefan still hasn’t told Caroline that Valerie was pregnant with his baby before she died.

Stefan and Caroline have segued from planning to making out when Valerie interrupts, again, to tell them that the phoenix stone drives the souls inside it crazy, so Resurrected Julian is going to be even less pleasant than Original Recipe Julian. She needs to figure out a plan before he comes after her.

At Heretic Central, Julian and Beau are practicing fencing.

tvd 6.3Remember our family motto, Beau: It’s all fun and games as long as someone gets hurt.

Lily tells them to take their roughhousing outside, so they don’t break the priceless belongings of the husband she hated and the sons she disowned. She asks Julian if he needs more rest. He offers to get back in bed if she’ll join him, but she wants to focus on how they’re going to deal with her sons. The first step of her plan: invite Damon and Stefan over for dinner.

Rick is watching his wedding video–not the part where his wife gets stabbed–when Bonnie calls to ask him why The Artist Formerly Known As Jo is wandering around town unchaperoned with no idea who she is. Trying to get his not-wife’s memory back is stressing him out, but Bonnie can’t zombiesit today because she has to go to Lily’s party and protect her friends from being murdered.

tvd 6.4It’s honestly possible that the human race would be extinct by now if it weren’t for me.

Stefan is trying to decide whether to wear a tie to Julian’s housewarming when Damon announces that he’s not going, because the cobwebs in the abandoned house across the street are throwing a party that sounds much more fun. Also, he doesn’t want his presence to get in the way of his mother’s happiness with her resurrected sweetheart, because the happier she is now, the more miserable she’ll be when Damon finally slaughters Julian for good. Stefan, however, wants to skip all the foreplay and just kill Julian tonight. When did Damon become the patient brother?

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