“American Horror Story: Hotel” recap (5.5.): Children Of The Kale

on

Okay so please tell me I am not alone in this: I am developing a crush on Lady Gaga as a result of her performance in AHS. Bear with me, for these are new feelings, and I’m still trying to tease them out. I could never have feelings for Lady Gaga the musician, because the character she played onstage was too large and archetypal; it would have been like having a crush on a giant statue of a Greek goddess. Chaos perhaps. But this version of her is softer, quieter, more specific. She is as likely as ever to suck your soul out through your mouth, but she’ll do it while gazing into your eyes, making you feel as though you are the most special person in the world.  More on this story as it develops.

First up: forevercrush Chloe Sevigny. Doctor Lowe looks and feels exactly like I do when I’m hungry: like the world is a cold, empty tundra, and vast chasms separate her from her fellow humans.  But all is made right when she stops for a snack.

ahs5.1YOU’RE NOT YOU WHEN YOU’RE HUNGRY.

She figures as long as she has the gift of vampirism, she may as well pass it on to the little boy dying of measles, so she injects him with a little bit of her blood. In mere minutes, he is fully recovered. Just, you know, not without some side effects.

ahs5.2VACCINATE YOUR CHILDREN OR ELSE.

And how is our other brand new vampire faring?

ahs5.3GIVE ME SOME GODDAMN BACON AND SOME GODDAMN WEED.

After making her one of the undead, Donovan goes right back to using his mother to do his bidding and drags her to Ramona’s mansion. There, the two of them conspire to make Iris their “inside man” in their quest to bring down The Countess. She’s the perfect candidate, since as a middle-aged woman, she might as well be invisible.

ahs5.4 I LEARNED ABOUT THAT ON GRACE AND FRANKIE.

Iris isn’t exactly enthused about this plan, but she dutifully returns to the Cortez for the sake of her son. There, she is taken into the much more tender embrace of Liz Taylor, who can immediately tell that Iris is no longer among the living. What a curse, laments Iris, to be damned to spend eternity in coke bottle glasses and a polyester shirt.

ahs5.5AND THEN KARMA KISSED HER BUT COULDN’T EVEN ADMIT THAT IT MEANT SOMETHING.

More you may like