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“Lost Girl” recap (5.16): Fae-thee-well

Previously on Lost Girl: The world’s worst deadbeat dad suddenly wants family time. Bo is a horse, metaphorically. And there is just one episode left to make it all make sense.

I’m sad it’s over. To some it might seem silly to mourn the loss of something so simple as a television show. But for all of you here, you know. You know because for the past five years this show about a bisexual succubus and her rag-tag band of supernatural and human friends was something we looked forward to each week it was on. This show about a woman who just wanted to live the life she chose meant something. Also, you know, it never hurt that there was a lot of cleavage, leather and bustiers.

Sure, we complained about this show. Where is this story going? What happened to the continuity? Why is Mark a thing, why? But if we’re being truly honest with ourselves most of our biggest grumbles were ultimately about endgame. I want Bo with “X.” I won’t be happy unless Bo is with “X.” Because that’s what happens when you invest five years into a show—you care what happens to these characters.

These people—for all their flaws and superpowers—became our friends. So you want the happiness you envision to be the happiness they achieve. It’s just that so many of us had different visions of what that vision should be. But that’s how it works for us, the fans. We care. We care until the very end. And now it’s over. And I’m sad.

But now, one last time, on with the show. Dyson is still holding up the Suck Shack as it burns all around them. Things look dire, but then Lauren spots the horseshoe through the smoke sitting on the mantel. Just then Bruce bursts through one of the walls Kool-Aid Man style. Oh yeah!

And there we have our first callback to the first episode. Remember, way back then, when a young Bo Denis who hadn’t quite perfected her eyeliner game yet met a Gene Simmons-tongued underfae with some distinctive arm tattoos. Yeah, that’s our hulking gentle giant Rob Archer. Admit it, you’re pretty happy you got to see Brucey one last time—even if it was just for a minute.

He looks at the burning shack and declares it, “the end of an era.” Stop it, show, I’m already damn emotional. No need to reinforce my almost-loosing-it-ness by having characters state the obvious. But then Kenzi asks the obvious, big guy, why are you here?

He says Bo called him and said to meet her there. Mark, that little shit, immediately jumps to the conclusion that Bo trapped them and did all of this on purpose. Fine, OK, technically she did—but not like that. Kenzi shoots back at him with a definitive, “No.” No, Mark. No Mark. Both grammatical possibilities apply here.

The rest of the gang, who actually know Bo and aren’t terrible little shits, piece together that this was all part of Bo’s plan to try to show fealty to Daddy Darkness and now wants him to think they’re dead. But, given their “Big Plan” track record in the past everyone is also a tad skeptical. Can you blame them? This one is already literally going up in smoke. Sorry, I had to.

At the Penthouse to Hell, Hades is beaming with paternal pride about their father-daughter dance plans. The theme for this year’s ball is “Destiny of Darkness.” But Bo is still trying to pretend to go to the cotillion with her dad while secretly sneaking all her friends in the back door. Yes, I’ve taken this analogy and danced with it.

Bo tells her pops if they’re going to go steady with this evil business she wants to get rid of Plan B. That’s kind of ironic, given that to do that she’ll have to get rid of Tamsin and her unborn Damian baby. But Bo says she wants to do the honors, you know, because when has Bo ever passed on the chance to suck a little face? Tamsin tries to reason with her, but Bo gets her chi on anyway. Or so it seems.

So the gang is now driving around Toronto in Vex’s tricked-out Disco RV. Yes, I know, it’s one of the great tragedies of Lost Girl that the show didn’t expose us to Vex’s tricked-out Disco RV until the very last episode. Besides condoms, mascara, heels, and glitter, the RV also houses Vex’s extensive teacup collection.

When they get judgey, he reminds them he isn’t just a sexually ambiguous secondary character who says quippy things while wearing Louboutins. He also has a full, rich backstory we all wish we knew more about. Too bad there’s not enough time left for him to use his now totally healed vocal chords to tell us. That Dr. Lewis truly is a miracle worker.

Hades shows Bo the big Pyrippus lawn ornament he had made in her honor. When she comments on its fiery breath, Daddy Darkest corrects her that those aren’t flames coming from its mouth. Instead they’re lines of multiple chi. Still no explanation on the wings, but I’m going to assume artistic license.

So his evil scheme is to have Bo feed off the colony, then the continent and finally the world. You know, your standard end-of-days scenario. Apocalypse, we’ve all been there. But Bo, she walked right into it. Because pops knew all along she was trying to play him. And he let her to get her where he wants her.

Hey, remember the Hell Shoes? They’re back, except now they look like death metal boots instead of burlap ballerina slippers. Hades reminds her that he rules Hell and they serve him and, duh, he is evil. So now she is trapped in them. Not to be a Monday morning quarterback here, but I told you to perhaps try to think of an actual plan this time out instead of just forging blindly ahead… Oh, never mind. One last time for old time’s sake, eh?

Hades says she’ll stay there until she finishes her supper. Oh, now you try to bring out the parental side. Bo says she won’t feed and he can’t make her. But, oh that devil, he is tricky. Also he watched a lot of Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 5. Because he won’t stop going on about how death is her gift.

Bo tries to resist, but he keeps reminding her of those she has lost: her first boyfriend, Hale, Rainer, Aife, Trick. Ha, I love how, even to the bitter end, they’re still pretending anyone cared even one iota about what happened to Rainer. But then Papa Hades goes in for the real kill and reels off Bo’s supposedly failed or abandoned relationships: Kenzi, Tamsin, Dyson, Lauren. And mentioning how Lauren broke up with her twice? Low blow, dude. Low blow.

Look, I know Bo’s loved ones are her sensitive spot and all, but really? All it took for her to break was some trash talk about her friends? We couldn’t at least pretend some other supernatural mojo was at work—like those kicky Hell Boots or Dad’s glowy hand—that broke her spirit? I refuse to believe the woman I’ve seen fight and get knocked down and get back up and fight some more for five seasons was undone by some snide whispering in her ear.Alas, that’s what happens. Bo drops her head and rises, eyes blazing blue. She proceeds to group suck the greater metropolitan Toronto area. Only Bo chooses who lives now and everyone’s dying—dudes at bus stops, moms in minivans, everyone.

Everyone but the folks in that Disco RV, that is. Lauren has fashioned herself an improvised sedative gun with her old Karen Beattie-days skills. Dyson says he is glad they are on the same team. Please take that olive branch in the spirit in which it was extended, dueling shipper teams

Then, in a fandom miracle, Dyson becomes an advocate for Doccubus. He tells Lauren he used to always worry about Bo, but not when she was with Lauren. Doctor Hotpants tries to wiggle her way out of the hot seat and acknowledges it was her who pushed Bo away. But Dyson won’t give up that easily. He starts showing Lauren gif after gif of how perfect they are together. Has she seen all the Tumblrs dedicated to their relationship? How much they should be endgame. How it’s messy and complicated, but worth it. And, just like that, a wolf becomes women’s best friend.

And then Lauren offers up her own shipper olive branch. It’s that frequent fandom compromise when it comes to The Triangle. She says she doesn’t worry about Bo anymore, either. Because she knows when she is gone, Dyson will still be there for her. See, can’t we all just get along? Can’t we all just get along?

Their kumbaya moment is interrupted by the folks in the front of the bus who notice an Aurora Bo-realis (see what I did there?) lighting up the night sky. They realize everyone’s favorite succubus is getting her group suck on and the only reason they’re not dead too is their Lucky Horseshoe. This realization raises the gang’s terror level to yellow i.e. I pee my pants a little. Oh, Lost Girl, think of the lucrative Depends product placement money you missed out on here.

So Bo finishes feasting on the city and then goes all Succu-Hulk voice, yammering on about being the most powerful Fae and having everyone kneel at her feet. It’s your standard megalomaniacal rant and/or Donald Trump’s stump speech. Proud Papa Hades tells her the next step is to fill the empty vessels with his will and raise an army. Yo, pops, if everyone is already dead, what do you need an army for?

Among the few remaining undead—but not in that “Brains! Brains!” kind of way—is Tamsin. She wakes from her long suck (ugh, sorry, everything related to Succubus feeding eventually ends up sounding like Cinemax After Dark) and finally has that Tam-Tam gleam back in her eyes. She retrieves a key Bo has kiss-gifted her and proceeds to let herself out while cutely singing, “If you want to know if she loves you so, it’s in her kiss.”

As daylight breaks, the gang surveys the damage. Everyone is pretty convinced Bo is an evil killing machine now, except Kenzi who will not give up. But, don’t worry, they’re not giving up on her either.

The feeling is mutual as Bo and her dad—magically still in pre-dawn (guess they’re serious about the whole darkness thing)—realize they’re still alive. Papa Hades is annoyed because this means his horsey Lite-Brite isn’t all the way filled in. So Bo promises to find them and devour them. Great, now I’m hungry.

Hades commands the guardians of the city to rise, and all the cops get up and open fire on our gang. I guess Fae lives don’t matter. (Too soon?) Luckily that Lucky Horseshoe continues to be lucky and shields them from the hail of bullets. They retreat to the Disco RV and then spot Tamsin striding confidently toward them.

She doubts the cops into submission and comes on board. No, I have no idea how she knew where they were or how she got there so fast. I’m just going with it because have I mentioned this is the last episode ever?

Before they can do their requisite welcome home hugging, Bo arrives and she does not look like she wants a hug. Kenzi goes to confront her, because she is her heart after all. This allows us to marvel at one of our little Mackenzie Malikov’s most impressive talents one last time: the ability to climb a ladder in six-inch heeled boots.

She has come armed with all of the adorable nicknames she can think of—Bo-bs, Bo-Bo, Boom-Boom Bo. She implores Bo to come back, and it seems to work because her eyes fade from blue to brown. So finally it’s hugging time, right? Uh, Bo, little tight with that hug, girl. Bo? Bo!

Yep, it was a trick to retrieve the Lucky Horseshoe, which she immediately breaks in half for good measure. Then Bo goes all Super Succubus on the gang and begins to drain their chi. Things look bad. Will our heroes survive? Cue old-timey piano music signaling danger.

As Bo sucks the life out of the people she loves most, her life with them quite literally flashes before her eyes. The first time we saw her kill. The first time Lauren let her hand linger on Bo’s lower back. The countless times Kenzi was the best. Kissing Dyson. Kissing Tamsin. Joking around with Vex. Making love to Lauren. More making love to Lauren. And none for Mark, bye.

These snap her back to brown-eyed Bo, the real brown-eyed Bo. She surveys her writhing friends in horror. But, good news, now this means she gets to ride in the Disco RV, too. Bo is distraught, what with the killing of all of those innocent people. The gang encourages her to reverse suck everyone, but she says she can’t control herself and might go evil again.Tamsin agrees. Aw, Tammy, tell us how you really feel. But Lauren says to let her go because when it comes to truth bombs, our Valkyrie has a hell of an arm. See, Bo is bad but also good. She’s like a delicious black-and-white cookie of morality. Sure, she has the dark Hades side. But she also has the light love of all her friends. But then Tamsin gets a little lighter, because her water breaks.

So while Lauren and Kenzi tend to a Valky-birth, the rest of the gang goes to face off with the newly reanimated Elder Faes under Hades control. Wow, am I gonna miss typing wacky-ass sentences like that. Bo goes after Big Bad Dad in full angry daughter mode. Her laundry list of poor parenting choices include alienating her from her friends, breaking her up from her girlfriend, killing Aife, killing Trick, et al. Notice how she is standing in the light and he is standing in the shadows? Subtle.

In our childbirth subplot Tamsin is making a lot of anguished and angry faces while Kenzi and Lauren offer encouragement. Discussion of how much of a brave warrior she is. Discussion of how she needs to remember her breathing. Discussion of how much she is squeezing Kenzi’s hand. You know, every pregnancy scene ever.

Outside Bo and Daddy Darkness start their ceremonial hand war. He seems to have the upper hand (rim shot, one last time), but then Bo reminds him she has another hand to play (I lied, that’s the last one). She is also half of Trick’s blood .

And as if on cue it starts running through her veins. She tells him destiny is bullshit and she will live the life she chooses. So suck it, pops. Or, more accurately, blow it. Because with that she reverse-sucks him with life force or possibly the power of love—probably both. But, either way, he dissolves into nothingness.

Bye, pops. Don’t let the Gates of Hell hit you in the ass on the way out. Next Bo breathes chi into everyone and brings them back to life. Hey, no harm no foul. What’s a little death between friends? And strangers.

Evil vanquished, Vex and Mark go for a celebratory sit on the Disco RV’s bumper. Vex tells him he heard he shifted, and wants to know if he has chosen Light or Dark. Mark says no, and he’s going to totally copy Bo and never choose. But he has made one important choice. And that’s to hold hands with Vex. So, uh, this means they’re a couple now, right? Like, it was a smidge unclear. A show this gay and they can’t spare one kiss for clarity?Anyway, it does make me like that Little Shit a teensy bit more. Because you know if you invite him to a dinner party, Vexy is coming, too.

Unfortunately, not everything is unicorns and rainbows for the gang. Tamsin has indeed given birth to a beautiful, bouncing bundle of not-quite hell baby. But now, she is fading. Because, dammit, all Valkyries die in childbirth. Seriously, this is the one tidbit of Valkyrie lore you’re actually going to adhere to?

Bo says she is going to save Tamsin. She will breathe chi into her and then everyone can live happily ever after together in a big compound. Maybe this one will even have walls that aren’t see-through. But Tam-Tam says no, it is her time. But she will always be there, through her legacy—her daughter. And so she asks Bo to look after her.

Everyone gets a little teary, this writer possibly included. But Tamsin says not to cry for her, because in a Valkyrie’s last life it’s not called dying; it’s called rising. That’s actually rather beautiful. Not that Tamsin has to die, mind you. Apparently the writers felt a series finale isn’t really a series finale without at least one mandatory major character death. Sure, guys, let everybody else, and I mean everybody else, live except her. Sigh. Still, I feel like they handled her actual passing, or rising if you will, with as much grace as they could muster.

Before dissolving into sparks of light and feathers, Tamsin takes Bo’s face into her hands and says one last word. It’s “Dagny.” Don’t worry, this isn’t Citizen Kane where you’ll have to wait two damn hours to figure out it was his sled. No, here I’m pretty sure she means that to be the name of her baby girl. And then, like that, Tamsin is gone. She is just winged stardust, rising.

Next we see little Dagny being buckled into a car seat by big sis Bo. She promises to watch after her, though not exactly literally since she’s handing her off to someone to watch over her while she does dangerous work. Still she swears she’ll never let her sister grow up a lost girl.

So who then will be tending to Tamsin’s legacy? Just call her Lil’ Foster Mama from now on out. Um, not to criticize her parenting skills so early in the game, K-Star, but were you parked on some train tracks? You’re in the middle of nowhere, yet the train tracks seemed like an appropriate place to put your car?

Sorry, clearly I’m just stalling because now Bo and Kenzi have to say goodbye and my heart isn’t ready for her heart to leave—again. These two, you guys. How I will miss these two together.

Bo walks back to her big yellow dream machine and on the hood waits one dreamy Dr. Lauren Lewis. They’re also parked precariously on the tracks. I get it guys, the end of the line. A little on the nose, don’t you think? But, hey, subtlety was never why we watched this show anyway.

Evil, at least temporarily, vanquished, Bo says their certain is “completely uncertain.” But Lauren, she is very certain and says, “I, human, Lauren Lewis, want to spend the rest of my life with you, Succubus, Bo Dennis.” Yes, they’re messy. Yes, they’re complicated. Yes, Lauren broke up with Bo for fairly lame reasons at least twice already. Yet, sometimes that’s all just part of having and holding ’til death do us part. Do I think these two crazy kids can make it? You better believe I do.

And, of course, they seal their vows with a kiss. This is not a drill, folks. It’s time to throw the rice for Doccubus. Is the sun setting? Because I know two ladies who are ready to ride off into it together.

Naturally, because they couldn’t resist poking fandom one last time, Dyson interrupts their mouth nuptials. I’m not entirely sure why he is putting back on his shirt as he walks up to them, but can only assume the writers couldn’t resist getting Kris Holden-Ried shirtless one last time.

They all agree little Dagny is in good hands. But Dyson asks if Bo will ever tell her who her father really was. Bo corrects him and says, “is.” Evil never dies or stops being a shitty absentee father, it seems.

Flash forward and a teenage girl is making out in a car with another teenage girl in a car. Never change, show. Never change. But the first girl stops, because something feels off. The deeper-voiced girl with an alternative lifestyle haircut says they can stop if she wants. Still the first girl insists she wants to and they go at it again, only to have her stop again.

A menacing figure outside the car approaches, and then raps on their window. It’s just a cop, with a kind of familiar-sounding voice. Say hello to Officer Little Shit. Mark followed in his pop’s paw prints and is on the force. He tells the first girl she has to come with him, and brings her to the Dal. Then he takes a seat next to Vex. So, yeah, definitely a couple?

Our teen sidles up and asks the barkeep for a beer. Dyson instead has her sign the ledger. So, this is Tamsin Jr., little Dagny. She asks if she’ll have to pick between Light and Dark now, but Dyson says they do things differently in this colony and are fighting to change some old rules.

Next Lauren sneaks up to her and jabs her with a needle like a total creeper. You’ll never become the Cool Lesbian Aunt that way, hon. She is, you guessed it, going to run some tests on her. Dagny says she knows all of them, thanks to Kenzi. But someone is missing.

Bo walks up behind her and says hello. Dagny turns and blurts out, “God, you’re beautiful.” Nice symmetry there, show. And, all these years later, still just as true as the first day. Bo tells her the last thing Tamsin said to her was her name, which means “New Day.”

Kenzi kept her safe among the humans, until now. Hades handprint then begins to glow beneath her clothes. Looks like someone is still betting on Plan B. Bo tells her they don’t know when or how, but evil is coming for her. Hey, don’t freak out kid. See that smile? Don’t worry, they’ll be ready.

And that, my friends, is our show. Five years of solving supernatural mysteries. Five years of fighting mythological evils. Five years of averting seemingly inevitable apocalypses. Five years of making out with hot girls. Five years of making out with some hot boys. Five years of smart decisions. Five years of dumb decisions. Five years of all this glorious madness. When it was good, it was very, very good. And when it was bad, well, we still watched it because what other show allows queer women to love and make love so freely with the lights on?

It’s been an honor recapping this show for you. It’s been a pleasure getting to write about these actors: Anna, Zoie, Ksenia, Rachel, Kris, Paul, Rick, Emmanuelle and everyone else. I will miss this show, and all its glory and its flaws. I’m sad it’s over, but I’m so happy we had it at all.

KENZISM OF THE WEEK:

How I’ll miss these Kenzisms about Japanese anime, hand jobs and everything else.

Kenzi: OK, it just got Sailor Moon out there.

Lauren: Why what’s happening?

Kenzi: Bo’s giving the best HJ of her life.

BOOBS O’CLOCK OF THE WEEK:

Oh, Boobs O’Clock, I think I’ll miss you most of all.

More by Ms. Snarker: @dorothysnarker or dorothysurrenders.com.

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