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Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever. (February 27, 2009)

THIS WEEK IN QUEER WOMEN ON TV

Note: There are no spoilers about future episodes, just updates on what has already aired, but click here if you want to skip these updates and go directly to the next page.

Show/Episode: Nip/Tuck – FX, drama

What happened: Katee Sackoff of Battlestar Galactica fame guest-starred this week as Dr. Theodora “Teddy” Lowe, who quizzed Former Lesbian Liz about what it’s like “switching horses in mid-stream” (Liz changed the subject).

Show/Episode: Hell’s Kitchen – Fox, reality competition

What happened: Lesbian contestant L.A. is still in the game.

Show/Episode: Los Hombres de Paco (Paco’s Men) – Spain, drama

What happened: Pepa was on leave this week, and Silvia – who is still really sad about how their relationship ended – sought comfort from her female friends. One of them, Rita, thought Silvia was making a pass at her, because Silvia talked about how great being with a woman is, that she should try it, etc. She wasn’t.

What else you need to know: Silvia joked to a friend, “they call me the Philosopher’s Stone of relationships, so ask me anything.”

Thanks to: AE reader Axon

Show/Episode: Skins – U.K, teen drama

What happened: Emily stalked Naomi (who has been avoiding her since their kiss) at school and at home, encouraging her to run for class president against Cook and making it obvious she liked her. It wasn’t until Emily told a skittish Naomi that she actually liked hanging out with her – she didn’t just want to sleep with her – that Naomi finally invited Emily to stay, and they talked and drank in Naomi’s room until they fell asleep. Naomi crept out early the next morning, and when she ran into Emily at school in the morning, Emily told her she “got the message” (that Naomi wasn’t interested in a romantic relationship), and offered to help Naomi with her campaign. After a bad day in which a male teacher she trusted tried to kiss her, Naomi called Emily and invited her on a bike ride; they ended up skinny dipping in a pond, then having sex on a blanket in the woods.

Naomi tried to sneak away again early the next morning, but Emily woke up in time and called her on it, saying, “Don’t you dare leave me in your bed again … I know you’re lonely. I think you need someone to want you. Well, I do want you. So be brave, and want me back.” Naomi left anyway. Later that day, after Cook won the presidency, Naomi started to have sex with him (as payoff for a bet), but stopped him, saying, “this isn’t right.” Naomi ended up crying on Emily’s porch, telling her through the front door, “when I’m with you I feel happier, and less alone,” and the two held hands through the cat flap.

What else you need to know: This was one of the best-developed and most honest depictions of a lesbian teenage relationship that I’ve ever seen on TV.

Show/Episode: The L Word – Showtime, drama

What happened: Jenny threw a Willy Wonka-themed baby shower for Max, which began and ended disastrously, with Dylan storming out on Helena after finding out about the Nikki test, and Max begging Bette and Tina to adopt his baby. Tasha and Alice continued to be too friendly with third-wheel Jamie. Shane started to hook up with Niki, but was interrupted by a bad case of food poisoning. Tina went out of town on business, and Kelly hit on Bette after the successful opening of their new gallery. Bette resisted, saying “I’m in love with Tina,” but Jenny took a photo of them through the window that makes it look like something happened.

What else you need to know: for more details, read Scribegrrrl’s recap, and StuntDouble’s Facebook recap.

Show/Episode: All My Children – ABC, drama

What happened: Bianca married Reese, then found out she had kissed Zach the night before. She immediately asked for an annulment, threatened to cut off Reese’s access to their children, and left Pine Valley for France. Reese stayed behind, insisting she loves Bianca and hoping she’ll forgive her.

What else you need to know: Read our overview of the Bianca-Reese storyline for more analysis.

Show/Episode: Guiding Light – CBS, drama

What happened: Natalia slept with her friend Frank to cheer him up, and immediately regretted it. Olivia told a friend about her growing romantic feelings for Natalia, and immediately regretted it.

What else you need to know: Our interview with the two actresses will be published on Monday!

Show/Episode: Verbotene Liebe (Forbidden Love) – Germany, drama

What happened: Charlie saved Stella from an embarrassing faux pas, prompting Stella to offer Charlie a ride home after the masked ball.

After sharing a drink, Stella began to look at Charlie in a new light. The next morning Stella learned that Carla’s cousin Sebastian has been kidnapped, and she hurried to offer the family her assistance. Carla coldly told Stella that no one expected her to work on her day off, and Charlie leapt to Carla’s defense when Stella complained about Carla’s attitude. Meanwhile, Carla admitted to her sister-in-law Sarah that Stella’s offer took her by surprise and that the strain of managing the family business and the castle, her feelings for Stella, and her concern for Sebastian are becoming too much for her.

Thanks to: AE reader Annelies

That wraps up this week’s rundown of lesbian/bi women on TV – if any international readers want to email me at to [email protected] on Thursdays with short rundowns of what happened with the lesbian/bi storylines on your favorite shows, please do!

– by Sarah Warn

THE NEW YORK TIMES TACKLES “BUTCH FATALE”

When Rachel Maddow is involved, it’s hard for me to look away. This weekend, while scanning the spring issue of T, The New York Times Style Magazine, I saw the words “Butch Fatale” next to an illustration of Maddow, and became giddy.

The excitement was short-lived.

Writer Daphne Merkin decided to tackle the subject of “lesbian glamour,” which apparently has “come out of the closet” in the form of Maddow. Merkin has been the subject of much criticism over the years for her ignorant remarks about lesbians, and women in general. After all, she gave up trying to please us gays years ago.

“I’m tired of protecting the sensibilities of the gay community,” she wrote in a 2007 post for Jewcy, a Jewish media and entertainment site. “When they so clearly are not in need of protection – at least not around the enlightened urban audience …”

This week’s article, “Butch Fatale,” is a no-holds-barred attack on dykes disguised as some sort of complimentary, “Oh, look – some lesbians have style now” trend piece. Merkin, whose experience with lesbians seems to come from reality television and Perez Hilton, decided to consult an expert for her piece: her gay male friend:

“I don’t think that much about lesbianism,” says a young gay male friend of mine, unwittingly stating the problem in a nutshell. “No one thinks that much about lesbianism. Who cares?”

It just gets worse from there. Merkin goes on to say male homosexuality celebrates “prettiness and youth,” dating gay icons back to the Greeks. When she thinks of lesbian icons, all she can see is “Fran Lebowitz, looking surly and bored.”

Also, according to Merkin, there are only two types of lesbians: butches and femmes. Femmes look like “any other pretty young thing” and butches are just borrowing from “gender influenced dichotomies” by possessing an “arrant handsomeness.” She must have consulted her dyke handbook! But, wait! Things have changed, she writes:

Lesbianism has finally come into a glamour of its own, an appeal that goes beyond butch and femme archetypes into a more universal seduction. Her name is Rachel Maddow, the polished-looking, self-declared gay newscaster who stares out from the MSNBC studio every weekday night and makes love to her audience.

Merkin, who obviously hasn’t read any interviews with Maddow, claims Rachel is no “barefaced, unstylish dyke” – you know, like the rest of us. She also says Maddow wears makeup onscreen to please her male viewers. (Last time I checked, even the male newscasters have to wear makeup, it being television and all.)

It would matter if Maddow were genuinely androgynous-looking, like a real-life version of the neutered Pat from Saturday Night Live. Or if she were hard-edged in her style, acting combative instead of charming.

Again, we all know how combative androgynous-looking dykes are.

This isn’t the first time Merkin has made an ass of herself to the lesbian (and feminist) community. She pissed off Dr. Betty Dodson and Susie Bright in 2006 when expressing her distaste for women working toward gaining reproductive rights:

The thought of becoming more closely acquainted with my private parts in a public setting seems potentially traumatizing rather than liberating or, God knows, celebratory.

In one of her books, Dreaming of Hitler, she says that even lesbians “wish to be filled with something hard and penislike and not-female.” Uh-huh.

This article is proof that lesbians continue to be overlooked and misunderstood within mainstream media. The fact that anyone thought Merkin’s opinion on “lesbian style” – based on tired stereotypes – has anything to do with reality is frightening.

– by Jen Sabella

STEPHANIE MARCH TALKS ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY OF AN ALEX/OLIVIA ROMANCE ON LAW & ORDER: SVU

A few weeks ago in an Ask AfterEllen.com column, I answered a reader’s question about whether there was any possibility of a romance between Mariska Hargitay’s character Olivia Benson and Stephanie March’s character ADA Alexandra Cabot on Law & Order: SVU, now that March is reprising her role for six episodes on the NBC crime drama beginning March 10.

My answer at the time? No. (OK, I suppose nothing can ever be completely ruled out, but in my Professional Lesbian opinion, that has about as much chance of happening as Max getting a decent storyline on The L Word.)

Now Stephanie March is trying to make me look bad.

In a press call today attended by one of our freelance reporters, Jim Halterman (who relayed the info to me), Stephanie answered similar questions – and was much more encouraging about the possibility of an Alex/Olivia relationship than I was.

First, when asked whether Alex Cabot is returning in a relationship or not, she said, “She’s on the prowl. She’s not tied to too many people.”

On whether she’s going to be prowling strictly for men, March replied, “I think we haven’t determined all of it yet. I think some of it’s still a mystery.”

Finally, when asked whether Alex and Olivia are in love and just not realizing it yet, March answered, “I’m not saying we’re not…I’m not saying we’re not in love.”

What’s that noise, you ask? It’s the sound of a million Alex/Olivia shippers having a heart attack at the same time.

Executive Producer Neal Baer acknowledged on the call that he and the writers are very aware of the lesbian following for March and Hargitay, and March added that the Alex/Olivia shipping doesn’t bother her in the least. “I would make the vote on Prop 8 that would make your readers happy,” she said.

To be clear, I still don’t think there’s any real chance the writers are going to develop a romantic relationship between Olivia and Alex.

But even a few years ago, questions about a romantic development between two ostensibly straight characters on a popular mainstream TV show wouldn’t have even been asked in a mainstream press conference, let alone answered in a way that seeks to encourage viewers to read between the lines.

So it feels like a little bit of progress off-screen, if not on-screen.

But just to be safe, Max better not suddenly get a good storyline in the last two episodes of The L Word, or I might have to eat my tall, Willy Wonka hat.

– by Sarah Warn

AMANDA PALMER GETS BANNED IN THE UK

Before Amanda Palmer was known for being the frontwoman of the Dresden Dolls, she was recognized on the streets of Boston as a performance artist.

Her theatrics are part of what make her so fun to see live, and what make her videos much more interesting than most.

Her video for the single “Oasis” has gotten her into some trouble in the UK, however, with the television stations saying it is “making light of rape, religion and abortion.”

Palmer wrote about the issue on her blog, as she’s known to do, responding:

i sat down one day in or around 2002 and wrote a tongue-in-cheek, ironic up-tempo pop song.

a song about a girl who got drunk, was date raped, and had an abortion. she sings about these things lightly and joyfully and says that she doesn’t care that these things have happened to her because oasis, (her favorite band) has sent her an autographed photo in the mail. and to make things even better (!!), her bitchy friend melissa, who told the whole school about the abortion, is really jealous.

if you cannot sense the irony in this song, you’re about two intelligence points above a kumquat.

Anyone familiar with Palmer’s work should know there’s a method to her madness. You can watch the video for “Oasis” on her blog, where she also writes, “When you cannot joke about the darkness of life, that’s when the darkness takes over.”

– by Trish Bendix

MORE NAKED TRUTHS ABOUT LINDSAY LOHAN

Oh, Lindsay Lohan. What are we going to do with you? Another semi-nude photo shoot, another reason for us to titter about you. Lindsay’s latest is a shoot with renowned designer/photographer Hedi Slimane.

Known for his penchant for black-and-white portraits of super-slim models, Slimane’s Lindsay shoot delivers on both – and a little too much.

Looking thinner than I can ever remember seeing her before, the 22-year-old actress poses in her ever-present black leggings and alternately a leather jacket, tank top and nothing but her hair. See the full set at Slimane’s official website. The Lady Godiva shots are the most striking, not because of her long hair but because they confirm her newfound inclusion in the “For the love of God, please eat a sandwich” ranks of starlets.

Over the years I’ve developed a John Kerry-like relationship with La Lohan. I was with her before I was against her. Back in her redheaded, adorably perky, twinkly eyed Mean Girls years, I thought her talent was limitless. But then the fame trap happened and so did drugs and alcohol and car crashes and bleary-eyed arrests.

Still, after all that ugliness, it seemed like maybe Lilo had turned a corner. And, you know, the gay thing certainly didn’t hurt. Now, I just feel like holding up a banner that reads: “Welcome to the family. Let us feed you a nice nutritious home-cooked meal.”

– by Dorothy Snarker

THE ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT MOVIE IS A GO

After months of holding out, Michael Cera has reportedly agreed to join the rest of his Arrested Development co-stars for an AD movie.

Out actress Portia de Rossi, who played Lindsay Bluth Fünke on the now-defunct Fox series, told E! she didn’t know what the hold-up was, but she’s been excited about the idea of a film since the show’s cancellation.

“I spoke to Jason Bateman and Will Arnett; I think it was just a matter of timing. I don’t know,” de Rossi said of the slow-moving process. “I just verbally said, ‘Hey, I’ll do it too.'”

While the script is still being worked out, de Rossi did say that she has no interest in her character hooking up with her adopted brother, Michael (Bateman), despite the show having left off with her vying for his attention.

“Oh, we’re not siblings anymore! That’s weird,” she told E! “I don’t know about that. That’s creepy.”

Agreed. I just don’t see Lindsay and Michael in a romantic situation at all. And even if they aren’t related by blood, adopted brothers are still family. Please, scriptwriters; let’s leave the creepy interfamilial love to Maeby and George Michael.

– by Trish Bendix

ANNIE LEIBOVITZ IS IN A JAM

Out Vanity Fair photographer Annie Leibovitz recently took out a loan against her prized photographs in order to pay off her outstanding mortgage debt. Leibovitz is not alone in suffering from the global economic crisis, but what struck me about her story was that most of her financial woes stemmed from her inheritance of her long time partner Susan Sontag‘s estate.

As Suze Orman pointed out in her Valentine’s Day wish for gay marriage, same-sex couples do not have the same privileges as straight married couples when it comes to inheritance. If your partner passes away and leaves her estate to you, you have to pay up to 50 percent of the value of your inheritance in taxes. However, if you and your partner were recognized as a married couple, you wouldn’t have to pay a dime.

And it is precisely this unjust double standard that got Annie Leibovitz into financial trouble.

When Sontag died in 2004, she bequeathed several properties to Leibovitz, who was forced to pony up half of their value to keep them. Yes, she makes a nice chunk of change from Vanity Fair, and yes, she probably could have just sold the properties when the market was good in 2004, but that’s not really the point.

The point is she should never have been in the position of paying or selling to not pay as much in the first place. Her wealth and poor decision-making are incidental.

Some snarky commentators have remarked that Leibovitz is getting what she deserves for living beyond her means. In many ways, she probably could have prevented her current crisis, but I wonder how many of these “tough” commentators would feel if they suddenly had to pay half of the value of their homes to the government in order to keep on living there.

by Julia Miranda

EVEN MORE FIRED UP ABOUT LESBIANS

Last week, we told you about Margo Harshman playing Sylvia, the “blunt and slightly creepy” supposed lesbian in the new (and completely unoriginal) cheerleader flick, Fired Up.

But Harshman isn’t the only one getting her gay on in the film: There’s also a confirmed lesbian couple, played by Danneel Harris (One Tree Hill) and Hayley Marie Norman.

In a recent interview, Harris had this to say about playing opposite Norman as half of a cheering same-sex couple:

The first time we met, it was like, “Oh, hi. Guess we’re going to be, like, the lesbian couple.” Neither of us had played that kind of role before. I know how to handle a guy costar; you just say, “Hi, how are you? Are you going to brush your teeth before the kissing scene?” But with a girl it’s like, “Uh, I like your shirt.” Awkward. But now we’re really good friends.

What, wouldn’t you ask a girl if she’ll brush her teeth, too, or would you be so distracted by coveting her outfit that you just don’t care? Either way, the two actors are apparently good friends now, forever bonded by being that lesbian cheerleader couple in a movie about two dudes trying to bag babes by joining a cheer squad. Classy!

Being faux-homo together “bonds you quicker than anything,” Harris said. But I think actually being gay together works a lot better.

– by jamie murname

STARS COME OUT FOR BROADWAY GAY-RIGHTS FUNDRAISER

Members of the Broadway community and other celebrities gathered at the Gershwin Theatre on Monday, February 23 for Defying Inequality, a celebrity benefit concert for equal rights for the GLBT community, with proceeds going to aid the work of the Empire Stage Pride Agenda, Equality California, Family Equality Council, Garden State Equality, and Vermont Freedom to Marry.

Openly gay TV show host Carson Kressley and out comedian Judy Gold served as the event’s hosts.

The show kicked off with a live performance of Marc Shaiman’s Prop. 8: The Musical, the video version of which has become an Internet phenomenon (watch it here).

Then there were several other performances, including dancing, singing, and speech-making. See all the photos of the event on AfterElton.com.

– by Sarah Warn

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE

Microsoft admits to and defends banning a lesbian gamer from Xbox Live. (And read more about Microsoft’s confusing gamertag policy).

Gay Oscar speeches were censored in Malaysia.

Callie’s love interest Dr. Arizona Robbins will be sticking around Grey’s Anatomy for awhile.

Ariel Levy writes about lesbian separatists in the March 2 issue of The New Yorker.

Out New York Post gossip columnist Liz Smith gets a pink slip.

The L Word’s Jenny Schecter Memorial Sweepstakes ends March 1. Enter now to win the clothes Jenny dies in!

Ellen DeGeneres will lend her voice to a stray pooch in the new animated film Dog Show.

ComedySmack.com is pitting Tig Notaro against BFF Sarah Silverman.

The bad girl flirts with Agent Sarah Walker on Chuck.

Rumor has it that Kanye West’s girlfriend “was” a lesbian.

Former Gladiator Hellga plays gay in Madea Goes to Jail.

Rosie O’Donnell is back to blogging, and will appear on The Tyra Banks Show today.

A new science fiction and gaming convention for the LGBT community, OutLantaCon, will be held May 1-3 in Atlanta, GA.

National public television series In the Life focuses on the history of lesbian depiction in TV and film in March.

Tegan and Sara will be back for the season finale of This Just Out with Liz Feldman on Monday.

We’re going to liveblog the East Coast airing of the finale of The L Word, similar to how we liveblogged the Oscars last weekend. Join us on AfterEllen.com at 6pm PST/9pm EST on Sunday, March 8 to provide or read opinions on the final episode of The L Word (more details will be provided immediately before the event).

That’s it for this week! Got the inside scoop on a hot new lesbian/bi actor/musician/TV show/film? Tell us at [email protected]. Check back next Friday for another edition of Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever.

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