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“Lost Girl” recap (5.11): This one time at Valkyrie Academy

Previously on Lost Girl: Kenzi is back! Lauren is a conduit! Hades is up to something! Wait, Kenzi, where are you going? Come back!

Don’t you hate it when you’re making out with your girlfriend and you accidentally suck her chi? Amirite, ladies? Lauren and Bo have that awkward, this-never-happens-I-swear moment while trying to get their mack on on the couch. Our Succubus is thrown being on the receiving end of her powers for a change. Come on, Bo, we all know turn-around is fairly sexy.

Bo confesses she’s still getting used to “that.” This implies they’ve done “that” more than once already. Hey, show, how about you let us in on the action? I’m just saying, there are only five episodes left—ever. So, you know, don’t be stingy with the sexytimes.

Alas, Bo wants to process—finally—but Lauren deflects. Instead she suggests they talk about Daddy Death or Hades or Jack or whatever he is being called these days. Bo reels off the good things he has done to help them since his arrival and deems it all “confusing.” Oh, sweetie. Your dad is basically the devil. I don’t think that’s confusing. I think that’s terrifying—especially since he probably has really bad things planned for your girlfriend and her new superpowers.

Tamsin walks in as Bo is gently playing with Lauren’s hair. Two’s company, three is excruciatingly uncomfortable for everyone involved. But mostly for poor Tam-Tam, whose heart is still a lonely hunting Valkyrie. She has dropped by for a letter that arrived for her, but of course Bo can’t find it right away.

As they search, Lauren offers her a “rocky toad” brownie. This is adorable, clearly, but also a little worrisome considering how many spells and medicines and dietary regulations probably include toad in the Fae world.

Tamsin finds the letter, under Lauren’s bum, because writers love adding insult to injury. But when she opens it her face changes from, “Ugh, get me out of here!” to “Oh, hell no!”

That’s because inside is a check signed by Hades himself. It is payment for services rendered. You remember, she was searching for the one with: “Eyes both brown and blue. Virtuous yet lustful. Heart both strong and gentle. Neither Dark nor Light. Yet both. She is yours.”

Tamsin heads over to Papa Hades’ cell and rips it up in front of him for good measure. He says he thought she would use it for her trip. See, Tamsin is still planning on skipping town. He taunts her a little, saying she has always been a runner. Then he rubs it in saying as a great warrior she is wasting her potential. Then he gives the knife one final twist by saying she is crying about not being invited to the cool kids’ sock hop. She, appropriately, tells him to go to Hell.

At this point I think we’ve all realized this is going to be a Tamsin-centric episode. And I don’t know about you, but I like it. I like it a lot. While I have exactly zero interest in wading into the Team Doccubus vs. Team Valkubus wars again, I will say that I’ve liked Tamsin the person from the very start. She is one of the more successful integrations of a new character on an existing series I’ve seen in recent years.

Tamsin, meanwhile, goes to see someone from her recent past. It’s Mean Valkyrie Stacey, who is now relegated to taking orders at a burrito joint. She is apparently still exiled from Valhalla for failing to deliver Freyja another soul close to Bo’s heart. So Tamsin offers her a way back in. But this time instead of delivering Dr. Hotpants, she is delivering Father Hotplace. See what I did there? Tartarus? Hell? Flames? Hot? I’m working hard here, people—throw me a bone.

Still Stacey goes along with the seemingly impossible plan because, hey, it’s better than flinging beans for a living. Trick pulls out his ancient books to help at the Dal. There’s something in them about Hades being banished to Tartarus after drawing the short straw. But he may have been tricked into picking it by a woman (none other than Frejya) wearing a cinnamon roll necklace. Shut up, that’s what I heard. Also, I may be hungry.

As the Valkyrie sisters are about to head to the gates of Valhalla, Bo walks in. She wants to talk, again. Damn, girl, I know I was giving you a hard time about not doing enough gay girl processing last week, but this might be too much in the other direction.

She wants to know what is up with Tamsin. Duh, you broke her heart and she doesn’t want to have to stand around and watch you be all lovey-dovey with your girlfriend. Speaking of which, Lauren walks in with Evony hot on her heels.

Evony! Such a sight for sore eyes and still criminally underused. She is complaining about human leakage and demanding to be turned Fae again, per usual. But then she admits that she doesn’t feel well, like for real. Bo gives her a little love touch to help her with her dislike of Lauren’s testing, and all of a sudden I feel genuine sympathy for the diabolical mastermind formerly known as The Morrigan.

Project Electric Boogaloo: Breakin’ Back into Valhalla is going poorly. Stacey and Tamsin can’t find the gates back in. Luckily, Tamsin called backup in the form of Sarah Connor. Hey, Linda Hamilton, hey.

Stacey is just as shocked to see Acacia and says she hasn’t aged a day since high school. This reminds Tam-Tam of their Valkyrie Academy days and the other gate to Valhalla within. Who smells a flashback? This girl.

Now the school is abandoned, but back in the day—which seems to be sometime in the 1950s—it was filled with fresh-faced Valkyrie in plaid skirts and bobby socks. Just like that we get whished back to see high school Tamsin, in all her pigtailed and goody two-shoed glory.

You see, our smartass Valkyrie wasn’t always such a smartass. Back in the day she was just the smartest student in the class, head girl no less. She followed the rules. She studied hard. She wore ribbons in her hair for Pete’s sake.

So I’m just going to pretend that this ’50s-era timeline makes sense because this was supposed to be one of her previous lives or something. But, we all know it totally doesn’t. Since, you know, Tamsin is a Valkyrie who has lived for centuries upon centuries kicking ass and taking souls. Or are they supposed to forget everything they knew with each new life? Or are we supposed to forget everything we knew about Valkyrie lore? I’m fuzzy on the logistics.

Anyway, we’re introduced to Freyja, who was Headmistress, and Acacia, the new teacher who shook things up. You see, at Valkyrie High it was frowned upon to cast doubt. And they were taught their sole duty was to carry soldiers’ souls from the battlefield to Valhalla.

But new teach Acacia is decidedly anti-Valkyrie Common Core. She is all about battlefields and warriors and winning wars instead. She wants them to learn to be brave, open and proud. So she pulls the classic rebellious teacher move and has them throw away their textbooks. Is this thing going to end with everyone standing on their desks and saying, “Oh, captain, my captain?”

Back at Lauren’s lab, Bo shows up with smoothies. Side note: What the hell kind of pillow talk involves smoothies? Like, “Oooh, baby, I wanna strawberry and banana you with a shot of wheatgrass?” Alas instead of finding that out, Lauren finds out Evony’s test results. Things look bad, really bad. Like if Lauren turns her back into Fae she’ll probably die immediately bad. Dammit, don’t ask me how—I’m a writer, not a doctor.

Evony declares it all a “big bag of donkey dicks,” and I hope even harder for a cure. Lauren says she doesn’t know what she is dealing with but Evony does, she watches Lifetime. She demands to know why Lauren didn’t turn her back sooner. And Lauren admits she wanted to test the serum first to make sure it was safe. Hm, wonder who the test subject was.

Flashing back to Tamsin’s well-spent youth, she has gone to see Acacia about the C- she received on a paper. It must be a mistake because she has never received anything lower than an A. But Acacia tells her it contains nothing about her true self or fears, and suggests a tutor instead. Hm, wonder who the tutor will be.

Back in our time, Acacia shows up at the now-defunct Valkyrie Academy delivering news that Freyja is dead. So, obviously, they’ll need another way to lure Hades back to Tartarus.

In the past, Acacia was the one leading Tamsin out of her good girl mold and into the night in her bloomers. Yes, I know how that sounds. Trust me, it looks even funnier. Acacia tells her she will teach Tamsin the old ways, but she has to keep the lessons a secret. I know, it’s starting to sound weird. But she just wants to teach her the basics of reading, writing and casting doubt.

Tamsin gives it a try, but then says she can’t go through with it and runs off. But those bloomers, though. You guys, bless this costume department. Bless it forever.

So it turns out all of Evony’s ailments are due to a curse from Arianrhod, the keeper of time and karma. I’d say, that’s karma for you, but then it really is. Lauren puzzles how to cure her short of a laying on of hands, and then decides that’s exactly what she needs. So they visit Daddy Darkness for his hand job. Hell, he cured that little shit Mark. Why not Evony?

But, alas, his touch only works on Fae. So he tells her to fight like Hell instead. Luckily Evony takes his news in stride, and even sees it as mini-pep talk. Though she raises some good points about his tan. Like, how does one catch rays in the underworld?

The Valkyries run into a tracker at the academy, but he is shortly dispatched by Tamsin and Acacia’s combined badassery. Also, loving how Tamsin has brought back her crisscrossed weapons holster. After he is dispatched they find out who he was tracking: Freyja. Oops, guess she isn’t dead after all. Someone has some ‘splaining to do.

So Tamsin gets her Valkyrie on and asks where Freyja really is. Acacia stutters that she has never been able to doubt her before, but then folds. Afterward she seems genuinely impressed that Tamsin was finally able to out Valkyrie her.

You see, Acacia has sworn to protect Freyja, who has gone into hiding. Mercenaries came to find her once Hades escaped Tartarus. So she ran like a coward. How does that saying go? Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Back in the day Freyja used Stacey as a snitch to find out what Acacia and Tamsin were up to. Then she rewarded her by making her valedictorian and fired Acacia. Tamsin protests, because Valkyries were meant to fly into battle not clean up after their messes. And she emphasizes her point with her brand new wings.

Now, granted, her wings are extremely cool and all, but weren’t Valkyrie only supposed to get their wings on their last life? This whole timeline thing is terribly confounding.

Well, regardless, Freyja expels her for good measure. Then Stacey and her other friends refuse to go with her. So she leaves them with one final salute. And that’s how Tamsin became Tamsin.

In real time, Tamsin tries to find out what Freyja is hiding. But when she won’t give it up they have a doubt off. Unfortunately, it’s still pretty hard trying to doubt the Mother of Valkyries on your own. Luckily, she has a little help from her friends.

Freyja admits that Hades pulled the short straw to get Tartarus on purpose. He wanted to build an army in the darkness. She was just a fraud with a nice cinnamon roll. I’m sorry; I’m still a little hungry. So Tamsin takes the necklace from her. I dunno, maybe she is hungry, too.

By revealing Freyja’s deepest fear, Tamsin can take her soul. But instead she installs Acacia as the rightful overseer of Valhalla. I still don’t really understand the succession rules in Valkyrie culture. But for a society of warriors, that was a pretty bloodless coup.

Acacia calls Tamsin her best student, and then asks if she understands why Hades picked her to find Bo. Please say no, Tam-Tam, because I have no idea and would like to know, too.

One more flashback sort of tells us—sort of. Teen Tam finds Acacia packing up to go. Acacia tells her she was born to lead, not serve. And one day she will lead an army into battle. But she doesn’t believe it then, and still doesn’t believe it now.

Tamsin apologizes to Acacia for falling in love with the target, Bo. But Acacia tells her falling in love opened her up to vulnerabilities, and now she can tap into all of her emotions—and her powers. That is how she was able to finally doubt Acacia. Hm, that sounds like a good condolence card for the recently dumped. Bad breakup? Don’t worry, one day you’ll lead armies!

Of course, it doesn’t take away the hurt. Our poor Valkyrie is still pretty broken up about the Succubus who got away. Yet she says she doesn’t regret loving Bo. How you doing, Team Valkubus? Just checking in, making sure everyone has enough Kleenex and other supplies. Consider it a cross-fandom courtesy service.

So, then, Acacia says that’s why Hades picked her. Because she is loyal and strong and always keeps her word. But she also says he doesn’t know what she is going to do next, what with all the new love in her heart. Oh man, is Tamsin going to end up sacrificing herself somehow? Go easy on those Kleenex, I have a feeling we’ll all need them later.

Tamsin marches back to see Hades, claiming she wants to sign up and lead his army. But that plan goes up in a puff of sulfur because he sees right through her lies. So instead she just threatens him and tells him to stay away from her friends. Um, love the spunk, Tam-Tam. But have you heard the saying never taunt death? Yeah, so please take that literally.

After she leaves Hades busts out of his “cell” with ease and walks off. We all knew this was coming, right? We all knew it was only a “cell” in name, right? What is, least surprising development ever for $1,000, Alex?

At the Dal, Lauren continues to beat herself up about Evony’s condition and not changing her back sooner. You know, I love Evony as much as anyone, but does no one remember the reason Lauren turned her human in the first place? You know, the whole evil and must be stopped thing? Plus, she is so much nicer as a human.

Lauren promises to not give up on her and Evony calls Lauren a friend. It’s like I’ve walked into a bizarro world. I’m half expecting them to make each other friendship bracelets next.

So Bo leaves to give Lauren the space to tell Evony about her new Fae powers. (Again, how is trusting Evony a good idea?) She walks over to Tamsin, who tells Bo she has decided to stay. She says she would rather have Bo as a friend than nothing at all. And in doing so they yet again prove the theory about all gay ladies staying friends with their exes.

Tamsin also tells her about their failed attempt to vanquish Hades and his efforts to build an army. Bo finally realizes he might be playing her, too. Gee, you think? I mean, not to bag on your dad, but he is basically the devil, Bo-Bo.

KENZISM OF THE WEEK:

Stacey, you’re no Kenzi. But, desperate times, people.

“Hades? I think I just chalupaed my pants.”

“You’d think a portal to Valhalla would be hard to miss, but that’s what I said about genital warts.”

BOOBS O’CLOCK OF THE WEEK:

Good to have you back, Evony. So very good.

More by Ms. Snarker: @dorothysnarker or dorothysurrenders.com.

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