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“Lost Girl” recap (5.09): Look both ways before crossing the street

Previously on Lost Girl: The gods are in town. Kenzi left town. Hell is close to town. And, oh boy, are Bo and Lauren finally going to town on each other—if you know what I mean.

When last we saw Bo, the mightiest of the ancient Greek gods was banging on her door and begging her not to play with her box. But our Bo will have no one telling her what to do with her box, because, duh, she is living the life she chooses. And no life a succubus would choose would involve not playing with her box. So she turns the crank on her big ol’ box. The top flies open and she stares into what appears to be an infinite black hole. Yes, the show really did it—they gave Bo an endless box.

The black hole eventually fades away and then there’s nothing. Well, scientifically I guess that makes sense. Bo wonders aloud if daddy deadest is there, but there’s a knock at her door. It’s not her pops, but instead a The End is Nigh-er asking her to pray with him. See, this is why I never answer my front door. A Girl Scout with cookies is the only good news I want to hear.

Speaking of good news, that little shit Mark is bleeding out. I’m sorry—too cold? There are only eight episodes of Lost Girl left and I resent the hell out of any time or emotional investment spent on new and unwelcome characters. Fine, his condition is making Dyson and Lauren upset—and we can’t have that.

Just then someone emerges from the crowd. A man with salt and pepper hair, a well-tailored suit and some shades strides up saying he is a doctor. Because the show already tipped its hand we know this dude isn’t just a doctor, like he proclaims, but Papa Hades himself. But Lauren and Dyson don’t know this, because she never bothered telling them Julia Roberts‘ big brother is her dad.

He offers to help, gets his kit from the car and then proceeds to begin on-the-spot surgery—I think. I don’t know, I was distracted by all the strawberry jelly. Man, in these final episodes they are sparing no expense when it comes to the fake blood budget.

Back at the Dal, Trick is having heated conversation about the end of the world with a member of some council. Is this the High Council? After the Una Mens were dispatched, I have to say I’m a little fuzzy on the Fae hierarchy. Is Trick still acting Ash? Is anyone in charge anymore?

The council member tells him to just open his veins and write the Nyx/Iris out of existence. Sure, fine. But you realize if he did that every time there was a crisis there would be no show, right? Also there’s the thing where most of the time when he tries to write the future it goes terribly awry. Like what if he did it and he was able to stop the end of time, but winds up getting Donald Trump elected president. Wait, sorry, those are the same thing—bad example.

Just then the Nyx/Iris shows up looking for Mark. The overly confident council member says not to worry—he’ll just use his Staff of Pestilence on her and then they can go have a couple cold ones upstairs. First, can I just say that any older male character saying he is going to use his staff on a younger female character is gross? So, I’m actually thrilled when she taps it and it crumbles into black dust, followed shortly after by him.

Mark is now stable back at Lauren’s clinic after his sidewalk operation. Geez, what the hell did Papa Hades carry in his bag? Well whatever it was is making Mark heal a lot faster than expected. Lauren and Dyson share a lesbro moment, and then it’s time to get the gang back together to save the world. You know, business as usual.

Tamsin, however, is a little tied up. She has survived her thunderbolt to the heart only to find herself Hera’s captive. Zeus storms back in in a huff because Hades is out and is also a little surprised to see Tamsin alive. Our jolted Valkyrie tries to put the doubt whammy on Zeus. But as much as the high cheekbones are working for her, the doubt is not.

Zeus and Hera get into yet another argument. Hey, is there no divorce up on Mt. Olympus? I’m just saying in this day and age two people who make each other this miserable have options. But Zeus is too busy accusing Hera of giving away the Shield of Aegis (which Trick nicked from the party) back in the day to Athena because of her “monumental rack.” I’m a little rusty on my Greek mythology, but is she implying Hera was into his stepdaughter’s tits?

Dr. Death shows up at Lauren’s clinic inquiring about Mark. He also sort of barges into Mark’s room, and Lauren tries to politely get him to respect boundaries. So instead he gets all nosey about the equations she has scribbled on a nearby whiteboard. He identifies them as stem cell research and wants to know more. Let’s, for a moment, suspend disbelief that Lauren would do such vital work with a dry erase marker. It’s just easier that way. He suggests using benign viruses to get past a sticking point in the science, which intrigues Lauren enough to ignore his invasion of personal space.

Just as Lauren and Dyson are starting to take a shine to him, Papa Hades gets his feel-good parade rained on by Bo who arrives with her big box. She admits to summoning him to help her stop the Nyx/Iris. So, naturally, he goes on a long expository monologue about the box and its purpose. He claims it can send someone back to Tartarus, but only one. So she will have to decide. Him or Nyx? Um, has no one learned anything about taking information about prophecies/curses/abilities/et al at face value on this show? Trust but verify, people.

Mark wakes up long enough to admit sleeping with Iris and also being there when she took off her special bracelet. It is made of the same material as Bo’s magic box. So the plan is to try to get it back on her. While it’s not much of a plan, it’s still better than the non-plan they had to face the Garuda. I love everyone on this show, but damn are they bad at formulating a master plan.

Lauren pulls Bo aside to give her something to help with her black arm. And by “something,” I mean sex. But Bo says it’s OK. Aw, that’s sweet. She doesn’t want to give Lauren a less-than-full-capacity experience. Though you know one-armed Bo is still probably better than basically everyone else with two arms.

Just like our ladies to get back together just in time for the end of the world. But, it does make all promises of forever easier to keep. So Lauren reluctantly forgoes the nookie and offers a salve instead.

Unfortunately Papa Hades has to apply because of the whole dead arm thing. He also tells Bo that the only reason she isn’t ash like everything else is because of his handprint. It’s also what is keeping Mark alive. But if he leaves it will fade off of him (though not her—family and all). Again, I am going to go on record as saying I do not have a problem with that. Two birds, one stone, so to speak.

Meanwhile Nyx/Iris thinks an apocalypse is a perfect time to go dancing. The bouncer won’t let her past the velvet rope, so she ashes him and everyone else. Well, that’s one way to get into a club. But, really, no one should have to die over shitty EDM.

Trick is throwing his own party for two—just him and an open vein. Zeus crashes it, and teases him about writing in his burn book. OK, now I just want him to write an entry about Zeus making out with a hot dog.

Hey, it’s just as mature as Trick screaming “Get out!” over and over at Zeus. Really, yelling and foot stomping is your primary form of defense against a god? He also tries using his blood, but the letters disappear as soon as they are written. So then it’s back to the screeching.

Zeus offers him a trade for the Shield of Aegis. She won’t hunt down and kill all of his friends if he hands it over—starting with Tamsin. Not to be coldly pragmatic, but doesn’t everyone die anyway if he hands over the shield? End of the world and all?

Speaking of petulant conversations, Bo and her pa are having yet another one. Look, I get that he is a deadbeat dad and also the lord of the underworld and all, but you did summon him to Earth. So, you know, all things considered his desire for father-daughter hearts-hearts is kind of the best case scenario right now.

After finding nothing but ash at the club, Bo and her pa next head to Dyson’s gym. This is also of course where he told Alicia to stay for safety. Like I said, this bunch isn’t great with the planning. Of course, Nyx/Iris shows up. She demands to know what happened to Mark. Yay, teenage drama—exactly why I tune into this show.

Speaking of familial squabbles, Zeus returns to the apartment triumphantly with the shield. Um, really, Trick? You don’t ensure Tamsin’s freedom first, but just hand over the one piece of leverage you had no questions asked? Has no one heard of planning before? Anyway, Z and H get into yet another tedious fight about their relationship. And then it takes an unpleasant domestic violence turn.

Zeus fries Hera, then frees Tamsin. Not to be flip, but was that one rope really all that was holding Tamsin that whole time. She’s a kickass warrior from Valhalla. Zeus has her take Hera away with her, and then is left alone to watch the world burn—or, more accurately, ash.

Dyson, Bo and her pa show up at the gym in time to save Alicia. Papa Hades tries to pull the fun uncle card, but Nyx/Iris isn’t having any of it. Bo tries to convince her to put back on her bracelet, but Nyx/Iris isn’t having any of it. So they kill her. Look, it’s what happened. No need to get fancy about it.

And yet another great and terrible evil is dispatched with less effort than it takes to open a pickle jar. Fine—a really stubborn pickle jar. Though, given my level of emotional investment in Iris and Mark’s storyline, that seems about the right amount.

As Dyson breaks the news to Mark, Bo breaks down about how no matter what she does someone always gets hurt. Lauren reminds her how many times she has saved the people we actually care about. But then she bemoans the fact that she’ll have to lose Lauren eventually, too. To which the good doctor cryptically replies that, “Well, maybe you don’t have to.”

What does that mean? Does it have to do with those equations? Finally, something I’m interested in happens this episode. But before we can get to all that Bo and Papa Hades have some more anti-bonding time. She has him confined to a glass cell in Lauren’s clinic. Though confined isn’t the right word since he can leave whenever he wants. Bo is still mad at him about Kenzi, about Aife, about everything. He implies her past—and his part in it—isn’t as she was told.

Tamsin returns lugging around comatose Hera. They don’t know what to do with him, or whether he’ll wake up as the god or the man whose body he stole or at all. So they decide to do nothing. Once again, planning. Then everyone craps out on poor Tamsin who just wants to go get drinks.

At least Lauren has a good excuse, she has to go walk hand-in-hand with Bo. Aw, this is so nice and normal. It’s almost like the whole world didn’t just almost end in a giant ball of nothingness.

But Bo is still being all dour and sour so Lauren tells her to look on the bright side and then runs out into the street to list off the reasons. 1) They’re alive. 2) They saved the world. 3) Lauren loves Bo. 4) It’s not like anyone got hit by a truck.

Dammit, I spoke too soon.

What in the holy hell? Also, hit and run much? Bo runs over to her very bloody girlfriend—again, sparing no expense on the fake blood budget—in a panic. Things look very, very grim. Like, you’ve been hit by a truck and left in the street in a puddle of your own blood grim.

But then, wait, is Lauren moving? Yes, Lauren is moving. She rises up slowly and her eyes start to blaze blue and she is sucking chi from Bo and there are not enough squeals in the world to express my emotions. Say hello to Dr. Hotsuccupants.

KENZISM OF THE WEEK:

No Kenzi, no Kenzism. Seriously, when are they bringing our little Mackenzie back?

BOOBS O’CLOCK OF THE WEEK:

Hey, don’t you judge me. It’s not weird because she’s not really dead.

More by Ms. Snarker: @dorothysnarker or dorothysurrenders.com.

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