TV

“The L Word” Recaps: Episode 6.05 “Litmus Test”

THIS WEEK’S L WORD VOCABULARY:

Defending: What Tina doesn’t need.

Loyalty: In Hollywood, it’s in short supply.

Sex: What this show has been missing.

THIS WEEK’S GUESTBIANS: Elizabeth Berkley stakes her claim; Mei Melançon dances; Wallace Shawn protests his innocence; Kate French can’t move on; Alexandra Hedison is scared too.

THREAT COUNT: Thus far, four characters have threatened Jenny’s life: Niki, after Jenny made the “showmance” comment; Tina, when she thought Jenny had stolen the negative; Max, for Jenny’s unrelenting disrespect; and Alice (this episode – read on).

Pick a little, talk a little – Tina and Bette are working at the Planet. No, they’re not plating quiche or perfecting Shane’s recipe for remorse-flavored waffles; rather, they have brought their laptops and their professional demeanors to their usual table in order to do some work. They’ve also brought a tape dispenser, a calculator, a stapler, several highlighters and two mile-a-minute cell-phone conversations that annoy nearby friends.

On the off chance that some viewers might see calculators, staplers, highlighters and tape dispensers as accoutrements of the boudoir rather than the workplace, Alice spells it out:

Alice: Wow, you two just really moved your offices right on in here, huh?

Little does she know that that’s the least of her problems. Bette and Tina have ended their frenetic phone calls. Bette’s conversation was about the construction on the house, and Tina … well, Tina has some news.

Tina: Guess what?

Alice: What?

Tina: Jenny sold her script.

Bette and Alice express their surprise, and claim they didn’t know Jenny was working on a screenplay at all. Huh? Weren’t you both sitting right here – well, on your respective sides of the martyr-cheater divide – when Jenny was working on her treatment? It’s a good thing the WHY-I-I rule can also mean What Happened Yesterday Is Irrelevant.

Tina seems almost proud of Jenny:

Tina: Just goes to show you: she was depressed, and someone stole her movie right out from under her, and she just sat right back down and she just banged out another script.

Alice: She just cranked it out.

Tina: Mm-hmm.

Bette: [without an ounce of sincerity] Good for her.

Tina: Yeah. There was a bidding war. Guess how much it sold for?

Bette: [without an iota of interest] How much.

Tina: Half a million dollars.

Alice can’t believe it. Who can? It’s the best evidence to date that this entire season is a figment of Jenny’s imagination, because who the crap would buy her drivel for that much dough? Hogwash!

Helena voices everyone’s Lez Girls—induced, unspoken fear:

Helena: Wonder what it’s about this time, huh?

Helena, you look sublime in your specs. Please wear them every day.

Tina reassures them all: Jenny’s new movie won’t be anything like Lez Girls. But, gosh, doesn’t it sound awfully familiar?

Tina: It’s an action comedy about a talk show host and a cop. And the talk show host gets embroiled in this, like, murder mystery, but the movie really revolves around the romance between the talk show host and the cop. It’s kinda like a Foul Play meets, um …

Alice: [horrified] Mr. and Mrs. Smith?

During Tina’s summary, the camera has been zooming in on Alice’s face. But it really should back the hell up, because she’s about to fly into a million pieces.

Alice: You guys. That’s my story.

Bette and Tina: What?

Alice: That’s my story! [getting up and leaving] God. Schecter is so f—ing dead.

At last, a real motive! I mean, if plagiarism isn’t a reason to send someone to a watery death, I don’t know what is. Except, uh, the idea of Alice as a murderess is a completely ludicrous notion. Still, this threat is way more believable than the others – possibly because Leisha’s line was way more believable. Funny how that works.

A river in Egypt – Alice goes right over to Jenny’s house. Jenny is calm and happy; she blithely invites Alice to go to dinner with her and Shane to celebrate the sale of the screenplay.

Alice: Jenny! You stole my idea!

Jenny: What are you talking about?

Alice: The treatment that I gave you. The screenplay that I was gonna write.

Jenny is nonplussed.

Jenny: That jumble of ideas that you gave me?

Hey, don’t underestimate a jumble of ideas – that’s all that’s left of this show (well, more like the shards of a single idea), and here we all are. But Jenny dismisses Alice, insisting that her “mish-mash” of ideas wouldn’t be sellable in any universe. Are you sure? Not even the topsy-turvy inverted navel of a universe that you live in? I’m pretty sure anything is possible there.

Jenny: If [my screenplay] happens to bear some resemblance to something that you jotted down, then it’s pure coincidence.

The look on Alice’s face makes it clear that she’d like to jot something right through Jenny’s foggy frontal lobe and out the other side. But Jenny insists that this sort of thing happens all the time in Hollywood.

Alice: Where people steal their friends ideas and they sell them off as their own. Is that what you’re trying to say?

Jenny: No. It’s something called the idea well, OK?

Alice: Oh, my God.

Jenny: There is a well. All of the writers drink from the same fountain.

I think this is one instance in which I’d prefer to be separate but equal, if it means drinking from a different fountain than that whence Jenny sips.

Jenny: But it takes genius, talent, craftsmanship to take a kernel of an idea and turn it into – ta-da! – a sellable screenplay. OK?

Alice: Jenny, you are so f—ing full of s—.

Yeah! Take your genius, talent and craftsmanship and stick them up your kernel of an idea!

Shane hears the ruckus and asks what’s going on. Alice has pretty much lost it by now and doesn’t even bother to give Shane the details. She simply says that Jenny has crossed the line this time.

Alice: If you continue to shack up with this f—ing lying, stealing snake in the f—ing grass, I swear to God I cannot consider you to be my friend anymore.

Alice is almost crying as she says this. She marches out, furious and shaking.

Shane: What … Jen, what’s that?

Jenny: I don’t … I guess she has some misguided idea that I stole the idea for her screenplay. I dunno.

Shane: She’s p—ed off!

Jenny: I guess she’ll just have to get over it.

Wow. It’s one thing for Jenny to be infuriating, but this is beyond even the Jenny shade of pale. Despite her sometimes appalling behavior, I’ve never really thought she was diabolical. But as she shrugs off Alice’s rage, she seems empty and cruel. When did she turn the corner from mess into menace?

Constant communication – Alice makes her way back to the Planet, talking to Tina on the phone all the while. She’s still on the phone as she takes her seat at the table.

Tina: Hi.

Alice: Hi.

Bette: Hi.

With the phone-to-face-transition greeting out of the way, Tina finishes what she started to say on the phone. She feels partly responsible for Jenny’s bad behavior, but Alice doesn’t see how anyone could have known that Jenny would do this.

Bette: Well, can you sue her? I mean, does Joyce do copyright infringement?

Tina: No, it doesn’t work that way.

Everybody clap – The L Word actually got a legal point right for once! Copyright laws protect expressions, but not ideas. Which really means that Leisha should copyright her face: she’s once again bringing a bounty of facial expressions to the table.

Alice decides to stop talking about the purloined treatment, for fear her head will explode. She asks Bette and Tina why they’re still at the Planet.

Bette: I’m working from home, and yet I have no home.

Tina: And ever since I’ve been accused of stealing the negative, it’s just too uncomfortable to go to the office.

I can totally relate. Except I haven’t been accused of anything. I just find offices – with their staplers and highlighters and whatnot – generally uncomfortable. Plus I can’t take my dog to the office, which seriously cramps my creativity. Speaking of my dog, he now barks when The L Word starts, and my dog is not a barker. The only other thing that consistently moves him to speak is my drunken neighbor. (You can see the connection: my drunken neighbor sounds a lot like the L Word theme song.)

Alice doesn’t really care about the trials of Bette and Tina. She’s just received a text message from Jamie, and it’s turning her frown upside down.

Alice: She’s awesome. She’s so cool, you guys.

She says “awesome” in a singsong way, sorta like Rachel Maddow sometimes says things. Hey, can we please get Maddow to be a guestbian? Somehow I think she’d politely decline.

Alice is just plain gushing about Jamie. Bette and Tina have eyes and ears, so they notice.

Bette: [teasing, as if on a playground] You’re having a third-wheel crush. You and Tasha.

Tina: Yeah. Definitely.

Alice strenuously denies this: the only thing they’re all feeling is “friend love.” But Bette and Tina recognize “all the telltale signs.”

Bette: Well, let’s see… it starts when, you know, you’ve been dating your partner for quite a while, and you’re starting to grow bored with one another, and then you start fighting all the time.

Alice: We’re not fighting.

Bette and Tina say “Huh?” in a way that makes me wish that Beals and Holloman were allowed to be funny more often.

I also wish Bette and Tina could be the den mothers more often – that’s what they used to be, back when everything made a little more sense. Or, you know, even one thing made slight sense.

Alice admits that she and Tasha have been fighting a “little bit.”

Tina: And then you meet a new person, and you start hanging out all the time, the three of you, doing everything together. And you know what? It’s just great. And this new person starts to revitalize the relationship, pouring all this energy and excitement into it. And this syndrome, it can last weeks, months, or even … [to Bette, gasping] oh, remember Sally?

Bette and Tina assure Alice that the third-wheel thing is fine, “just as long as it doesn’t tip.” And “tipping” is “when one member of the couple falls in love with the third wheel and decides to act on it.” Bette has the key to preventing this:

Bette: So you just check yaself before you wreck yaself.

And at that moment, Kit sits down, looking flummoxed. She’s obviously thinking, “Whuh? Dat’s my line! I get the black lines!”

I wish Brooke Shields were here to help Bette embrace her newfound thugitude. “What did I just say? Check yourself before you wreck yourself!” (If you haven’t seen the Brooke Shields thing, really, do yourself the favor of clicking that link.)

They all (including Helena, who sneaked in at some point) laugh and tease Alice about her third-wheel crush.

Kit: That’s dangerous business. Uh-huh. And speaking of dangerous business…

Helena: [sighing] I could do without the segue, Kit.

And what’s Helena’s dangerous business? No, it’s not a Ponzi scheme with Dawn Denbo and her ex-lover Cindi. (Wouldn’t that be fun?) Instead, Helena is having dinner with Dylan on Saturday night. Bette, Tina and Alice find this unbelievable, I guess because they haven’t been clued in to how foreshadowing works on this show. They probably also think Bette has thwarted the third-wheel tipping stuff by warning Alice about it.

Helena: I can’t help myself. Dylan has colonized my thoughts.

Alice: Wow. That’s deep.

It’s also a lot like that line from “Mystery” by Indigo Girls: “You set up your place in my thoughts, moved in and made my thinking crowded.” And you know, I really could go crazy on a night like tonight.

Helena says she’s tired of trying not to think about Dylan. Her friends decide she should make an effort to “know” that Dylan isn’t going to f— her over again.

Helena: What’re you gonna do, Alice? You gonna make Dylan fill out a questionnaire?

They concoct a test that will “prove once and for all” whether Dylan is a gold-digging opportunist or just someone who got involved with the wrong, scheming guy. The camera dances around the table as everyone proposes a way of testing Dylan. As Dorothy Snarker noted, this is a lot like the Lara Perkins mission, only less fun. Hey, uh, L Word people? When we said we wanted scenes like the Soup Chef Caper, we didn’t mean we wanted you to lift scenes wholesale and plop them into episodes artificially. That’s exactly how this one feels: copied and pasted with no respect for the existing structure.

They decide to test Dylan with a starlet who’s looking for a filmmaker. Will Dylan take the starlet and the money and run, or will she stay true to her ethics and her fair Helena? And who, oh who, will the starlet be?

Bette: Niki Stevens.

Bette adds that the whole thing is “incredibly juvenile and ill-advised,” and she punctuates that by opening and closing her laptop. She’s been doing that a lot in this scene. I don’t know what it means, but I do know that I hope I’m a laptop lid in my next life.

So the plan is for Niki to pretend she wants Dylan to make her next movie.

Alice: And then we can have Niki hit on her and see if she sells Helena out for the big time.

She and Tina give this idea a double high-five. Why isn’t it more fun? Is it me?

Helena reluctantly agrees to this scheme. Everyone else agrees that tonight is the night to put the plan into action. But who will call Niki and get her to participate?

Tina: We have to bring in Shane and Jenny on this one.

Alice: I’m not talking to them right now. Especially not Jenny.

Tina: Fine. I’ll do it.

Bette: Doesn’t Jenny hate Niki?

Tina: Yeah, but she loves intrigue. And she doesn’t have to have any contact with Niki. All she has to do is impersonate her manager.

What? Jenny loves intrigue? Since when? She loves drama and grandstanding and sacrificing dogs in order to get revenge on humorless critics, but when did we start calling those things “intrigue”?

The superspies proceed to hatch their plot. Helena is already regretting the whole thing.

Weaving a tangled web – As Tina and Alice verbally mastermind their caper, we watch it unfold. First, Shane asks Niki to attempt a seduction. Niki happily agrees – a bit too happily. Then pretend-manager Jenny (with coaching from Tina) calls Dylan to arrange a meeting with Niki at the Hit club. The hilarity of the phone-call scene includes Tina air-drawing glasses to convey Soderbergh and Jenny saying, “[Niki] is young. She likes to party. And she is a whippersnapper. What are you gonna do?”

Whippersnapper?! Get off my lawn, you rascally varmint, you! This show has aged us so rapidly, we’re curmudgeonly old men.

The other funny thing about the scene is Dylan’s T-shirt. What is wrong with it? She looks like she’s wearing a onesie.

The last step in the setup is for Dylan to call Helena and make sure it’s OK with her if she meets Niki at Hit. She does, and it is, and that’s it – the trap has been set, and now it’s up to Dylan to decide whether to take the Niki-shaped bait.

A different kind of trap – Later that day at Chez Shenny (which is back to being a two-bedroom house), Jenny and Shane kiss and cuddle on the bed and discuss the Dylan scheme. Jenny didn’t realize Shane was involved, and she isn’t thrilled to hear that Shane has had some contact with Niki.

As Jenny processes this, Shane brushes her teeth. Have you noticed that Shane is sponsored by the ADA? That jacket in the attic is actually covered with ADA logos.

Jenny: You can’t … you can’t do that.

Shane: Do what?

Jenny: You can’t see Niki. I forbid it.

Shane: You forbid it?

Ah gah. That is the best way to drive someone away, Jenny: you’ve truly mastered the art of losing friends and alienating people.

Between sloshes and spits, Shane insists that there’s nothing going on between her and Niki. But Jenny simply doesn’t trust Shane. She keeps needling and pushing and trying to control the free spirit she supposedly loves.

Shane: Jen, you can’t forbid me to see someone. I’m not 12.

It’s kind of weird that Shane calls Jenny “Jen.” Nobody else does that, do they? Maybe it’s a sort of subconscious substitution: it rhymes with “hen.” Shane is Jenpecked.

Jenny: I’m not being unreasonable. OK? When I think of the two of you together, it does make me really uncomfortable. And you said that you wanted our relationship to be different from all the other relationships you’ve had, right?

Shane: Mm-hmm.

Jenny: So we both need to make some changes, right? Which should be pretty easy, right? Unless you still have feelings for her.

Shane: What … I mean, I don’t get it. What language do I have to tell this to you in, so you’ll get that I do not have any feelings for Niki?

Come on, Shane. You know the answer to that: try speaking manatee!

Jenny just won’t stop, so Shane finally has to stop her.

Jenny: Then it shouldn’t be difficult never to speak to her again.

Shane: [exasperated and angry] You know, you gotta back off.

This scares Jenny, so she apologizes: “I’m wrong and I should trust you.” Shane claims this was all she wanted to hear, but I think she might also enjoy hearing something like, “Also, I’m delusional and off my meds, so I’m going to find myself a shrink right now.”

Alas, it’s quite the opposite. As they go their separate directions down a hallway, Jenny calls Shane back.

Shane: What?

Jenny: [peeking around the corner and waving like a little kid] Hi!

The national loony level has been elevated to orange, Shane! Report any suspicious packages to your … well, never mind. Nobody can help you now.

A not-at-all-boring dinner – Bette and Tina are having dinner with Kelly and some artist guy. Kelly is loud and obnoxious, though she obviously thinks she’s lively and charming.

Also, her eyes are scaring me. Hey, it’s been a while since we had a Sunset Boulevard reference. Look, everybody: Norma Desmond has finally shown up!

The artist dude, whoever he is, asks how Bette and Kelly met. Kelly bleats that Bette was in love with her. But she acknowledges that nothing happened between them.

Kelly: No, I missed my big opportunity. But now she’s taken by the lovely Tina Kennard. You never know.

Bette: Tina and I have been together happily for a long, long time.

Artist dude: Keyword “happily.”

Bette: Happily.

Tina: Keyword.

Over the years, I’ve had to have a steel plate put in my head because of all the anvils falling on it, but there’s no armor for this freaking avalanche of anvils. Not even Max’s sculpted pecs can protect me. Hey, where has the lost Gibb gone, anyway?

The artist excuses himself to take a call. Bette takes the opportunity to tell Kelly to “take it down a notch,” but Kelly can’t even take her Botoxed eyebrows down, let alone her outsize personality. The guy comes back almost immediately and asks Bette to take the call – it’s about the big art show tomorrow. Bette leaves the table to do her sexy boss-lady thing.

Kelly expresses her faith that Bette will take care of everything: “She’s very brilliant.”

Artist dude: And very beautiful.

Kelly: Always has been. To me, she’s the one that got away.

Yep. Keyword “away.” Yet right in front of you, which is also where Tina is, which is so not cool.

Kelly: Tina, does it bother you that I flirt shamelessly with your girlfriend?

Tina: No, no. Flirt away. I mean, Bette knows that if she were to ever cheat on me, then that would be the end of us. So, if it makes you feel scandalous and sexy to tease her with her co-oed crush, have at it.

Kelly: Thanks. I will.

Nicely done, Tina. If you were maybe thinking about stabbing Kelly with your fork, just to make everything crystal clear, that would be OK with me. But Tina already has other, even more upsetting things on her mind.

Tina: William and Aaron just walked in with Martine Lucas and Susan Kalogridis. They’re two screenwriters that I’ve been working on a project with for three years.

Bette: So, what’s wrong with that?

Tina: I wasn’t invited. That, in Hollywood, is how you know that you’ve been fired.

What’s even worse than a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day? That’s where Tina lives lately.

The command center – It’s time for Dylan’s test. How will our intrepid gumshoes monitor the whole thing? On the monitors, of course: the many screens in the control room at Hit.

Helena: It’s Dawn Denbo’s security system. She’s got cameras in every corner of the club.

And microphones, too, and all sorts of whiz-bangy gadgets like walkie-talkies and laser cats. Oops, not that last thing.

Alice, Kit, Shane and Jenny are there to support Helena and watch the show. And eat popcorn.

Alice: [to Shane, about Jenny] What is she doing here?

Shane: Look, I really don’t understand what this is all about … I just think it’s a huge misunderstanding. I really do.

Alice: What? What about it did I misunderstand? Was it when Jenny stole my idea, or when she sold it for half a million dollars?

Jenny begs Alice to stop “acting like a child,” but if I were in Alice’s shoes, I’d be moping and distracted for at least a day or two, if not a week. That’s not childish: that’s just natural.

Jenny: [to Alice’s back] I did not steal your idea. Alice, was it your idea when the terrorist has a nookyaler weapon that’s gonna blow up the building, or was it your idea when the hero of the romantic comedy has to rush to the wedding in order to save his beloved from getting married, or – wait, was Beverly Hills Cop your idea too?

Alice: Can you just stop slinging your bulls— at me? OK? I’m serious. Maybe Shane is buying into your act – obviously she is. But I see you. OK? Stay away from me before I f—ing kill you.

Yes, Jenny really said nook-ya-ler, Ă  la George W. Bush. That’s almost more disappointing – I never thought she was truly diabolical, and I certainly never thought she was dumb. But as of this episode, I’m conceding both points.

They watch the monitors as Dylan arrives, looking adorably librarianish.

And then Niki arrives. She waves at the security system cameras and calls Shane.

Jenny: Why does Niki have your phone number?

Aaaack! Of all your unattractive qualities, Jen, this new extreme jealousy thing is the worst.

Helena – who seems especially beautiful in this episode, to the point of actually taking my breath away – gives the go-ahead, so Niki goes to Dylan’s table. They’re in a semi-private area, with Casablanca-y curtains and pillows and champagne. It’s the right setting for a seduction, but Niki doesn’t quite have the game. She can’t even remember the name of Dylan’s movie. This causes Jenny to smack her forehead, giving us a glimpse of a far, far preferable time when her madness was more on the kooky end of the scale.

The restaurant at the end of Tina’s career – Bette and Tina watch as Aaron and William laugh and schmooze.

Bette: Aaron is a scum-sucking, f—ing miscreant.

Is there anything hotter than a big vocabulary?

Tina leaves to get some air. And by “air,” she apparently means “a drink,” because she goes right to the bar.

Bette gets up too.

Kelly: What are you doing?

Bette: What needs to be done.

She strides over to Aaron and William’s table and sets her vocab gun to stun.

Aaron: Bette. It’s Bette, right?

Bette: It’s Aaron, right?

Aaron: Yeah.

Bette: The bald, impotent worm that we’ve all been talking about.

Aaron: Excuse me?

Bette: It is f—king stupefying to me how you can sit here with – Martine? Susan? right? – Tina’s writers, and –

Tina practically tackles Bette and pulls her aside. Damn – Bette was just getting wound up! But Tina’s right to want to make her own case, and she makes it very well indeed.

Tina: What are you doing?

Bette: I’m defending you.

Tina: I do not need you to defend me. I’m perfectly capable of speaking for myself.

Bette: I know. I’m sorry.

Aaron: [at the table, just loudly enough to be overheard] I am so happy to be done with dykes.

Tina: What did you say?

Aaron: [over-enunciating] I said I am so happy. To be done. With dykes.

Uh-oh. Incoming!

Tina: You stupid f—ing c——-er. How dare you sit there with that smug little smile on your face and wine and dine my writers on a project that took me three years to put together? As if you had anything – anything to do with it! [to the writers] He said you were talentless hacks. Yeah. And I begged him, I begged him to hire you. [back to Aaron] I have put everything into this job. I have poured my heart and my soul and my talent into making you both look good time and time again. And how do you repay me? By stealing my contacts and icing me.

Aaron: Tina, keep your voice down.

Tina: Shut your piehole, Aaron. I have never in all of my life worked for such an idiotic, mindless, juvenile, cruel, pathetic loser of a human being such as you. You are soulless. And you’re everything about this f—ing Hollywood that I hate.

Wooooo! Check, please! But it’s not even over. William tries to interrupt, saying this is all “uncalled for.”

Tina: You know what’s uncalled for? A billionaire stealing the negative of his own movie just so he can put in a claim for insurance money.

Huh? I thought that was just a fantasy that sprang fully formed from Jenny’s addled head. William doesn’t know what Tina is talking about, but Tina isn’t about to stop now.

Tina: Don’t think for a second that you are gonna f—ing get away with it. Because I know. I know. Enjoy your dinner.

And with that, Tina makes her exit. Bette tosses a visual “ha” over her shoulder before she follows.

Mama T definitely knows how to wield words. But I must note that while she was putting Aaron in his place, she was shaking her head almost violently, like she was going to erupt. It reminded me of the way my puppy shakes his head to “kill” one of his toys. Get it! Kill it!

Dylan’s song – Niki and Dylan are discussing Niki’s fake next film. Dylan thinks it should be less like Atonement and more like Down to the Bone. As it happens, Down to the Bone screened at Sundance in 2004, which is the same year that a little film called D.E.B.S. made its debut. And guess who directed this episode?

Niki likes the idea of doing a “riveting” and “real” film.

Niki: I mean, if you think about it, if you really wanna win an Oscar, I mean, you’ve gotta either play ugly, retarded or a lesbian.

Up in the control room, Alice and Shane declare this “totally right.” See why you two have to keep the friendship going?

Niki lists several “ugly, retarded or lesbian” roles that support her theory. Her list isn’t entirely accurate. (Nicole Kidman may have been ugly in The Hours, but she didn’t play “a lesbian” or “a bisexual”; she played Virginia freaking Woolf. And Hilary Swank didn’t play a lesbian in Boys Don’t Cry – just ask Max.) But never mind. Niki’s not exactly known for her keen critical insight.

At command central, Jenny is appalled by the idea of Niki being “real,” while Helena thinks Dylan is being “completely appropriate.” I think that must be British for “totally hot.”

Shane warns Helena not to give Dylan too much credit, because Niki is about to make her move. First she asks Dylan whether there’s anyone special. There is, says Dylan, but before they can be together, Dylan has to make up for the “really f—ed up” thing she did. Just as the scene on the monitors starts to get more intimate, Alice clumsily places her bowl of popcorn on a keyboard and all the screens go black. Much spazzing ensues, until what-is-a-text-message Kit punches some buttons and fixes everything.

And then it’s the moment of truth.

Dylan: I might be out of line here, but I can’t get involved with you.

Niki: Why not?

Dylan: Well, for one, it’s unethical. And it’s not really a good idea for the director to get involved with the star of the movie.

Alice couldn’t ask for a better setup.

Alice: Guess you didn’t get that memo, huh?

Jenny: F— off.

Dylan also points out that she’s in love with someone, but Niki keeps pushing.

Niki: If you want to direct this film, then you’re going to have to come home with me. Tonight.

Dylan: [after a dramatic pause] Then I guess I’m not gonna be directing this movie.

The control room applauds, except for Helena, who’s trying not to get her hopes up. You can keep your doubts if you must, Helena, but please – go get that cute, principled Dylan!

As everyone files out of the Big Brother room, Alice sees Tasha and Jamie on the dance floor. And that’s all the incentive she needs to get down there and get her boogie on.

Reunited – Helena finds Dylan. That curtained spot is starting to feel like a confessional.

Helena: Tina told me what you said to her.

Dylan: Yeah. Um. Well, it’s all true. I came back to L.A. after all this time because I could never stop thinking about you. Never. I’m madly in love with you, Helena.

OK, if you won’t go home with her, I will! But Dylan knows it’s not easy for Helena, what with their history of betrayal and extortion and all.

Or maybe it’s easier than it seems.

Helena: Let’s go somewhere we can talk.

Yay! Talk, yes! Talk with your eyes and your hands and whatever other body parts you feel can be useful.

Dirty looks – As Niki hops around on the dance floor (to the awesome “Beat Control” by Tilly and the Wall), Kit and Jenny watch her from Gothville. Kit looks like Elvira and Jenny looks like the girl from The Ring – and yeah, I know I’ve said that before, but she so does!

Tasha, Alice and Jamie are also busting a move. I guess they look like they’re having fun, but I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it does: Shane notices that Jenny is reading her text messages. Um, not her text messages: Shane’s text messages. On Shane’s phone. When Shane confronts her, Jenny seems to think it’s perfectly reasonable for her to be on the lookout for text messages from Niki.

Tasha, Alice and Jamie sit down, all giggles and flirtation. Shane interrupts with a plea.

Shane: I need your help. OK? She’s driving me f—ing crazy, and all I need is five minutes. So please, just keep her busy.

Trouble is, Alice still isn’t talking to Jenny. But she agrees to help Shane. These crumbs of hope are making me believe that their friendship can survive.

Jenny sees Shane leaving and asks where she’s going.

Shane: Someone told me that I left my headlights on.

OK, but be careful: for all you know, “headlights” may mean “super-duper Niki-sensing magnet” in the Schecter vernacular.

Somewhere quiet – Helena and Dylan are at Dylan’s place. They try to make small talk and drink tea, but what they really want to do is make out. So they do, and it’s exquisite; it’s hesitant and hungry at the same time. And the scene is utterly silent, which makes it even more intense. And it seems authentic, too – isn’t it nice when they look like they know what they’re doing?

Wow: sometimes women actually touch each other on this show! Thank you, Angela Robinson. The lack of nookie was beginning to wear on me a little. And it was making me question this whole endeavor: if I wanted to see straight girls not having sex, I’d watch All My Children.

Side note: what’s with all the garters on TV lately? Marcia Gay Harden has been fondling hers at every opportunity on Damages. Not that I’m complaining, but it’s an odd trend. Next thing you know, women will be having sex on lesbian-themed shows. Nutty!

The Hit (on) club – Outside the club, Shane is enjoying her five Jenny-free minutes by smoking a cigarette. But solitude will not be hers today. Niki shows up, still in seduction mode. Shane tries to beat a hasty retreat.

Niki: What – you’re not gonna talk to me?

Shane: I shouldn’t.

Niki: Why not?

Shane: Jenny’s inside.

Niki: What about her?

Shane: We’re together.

Niki confesses that she was hoping maybe Shane was interested in doing more together than trapping Dylan.

Shane: I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean that. I think you’re a super-sweet girl. I hope you know that. And if Jenny wasn’t in the picture, maybe, you know, things would be different.

Niki, you have my sympathy. You’ve collided with the wrong group of friends. Everyone’s smashing together like so many atoms – anybody know of a good bomb shelter?

Back inside, Jamie is hinting around how uncool it is to treat a friend the way you might treat a competitor. Tasha is more direct:

Tasha: Alice brought you an idea, and then that idea somehow ends up in your screenplay? Come on. It’s unethical!

Jenny: Her idea is not an original idea! OK? So stay the f— out of it. [to Alice] This is so crazy. Why are you letting this dumb business affect our friendship? We’re supposed to be good friends.

Alice: Really, Jenny? Are we? I don’t think so. I think we’re friends with other people who are friends. But you and I, not so much.

Shane walks right into the eye of the Jennycane.

Jenny: Shane, please. Can you tell her that I did not do anything and that she is wrong.

Alice: Oh, yeah. Say that I’m wrong and your girlfriend here is right. I’d really like to hear you say that one.

Jenny: Oh, my God! Look what you’re doing to this poor girl! [pointing to Shane] You’re making her take a side!

Shane: No no no no no.

Jenny: Look what she’s doing now. Now she’s forcing you to take a side, so you should pick a side. Pick one.

Shane: I’m not picking a side!

Jenny: OK. You’re not? OK.

And Jenny takes that as her cue to go. Alice wants to leave too, but Tasha and Jamie want to stay. What? Why wouldn’t you just leave with her? It’s the right time to get some waffles and talk it all out. Or at least that’s the scene I’d like to see.

Shane goes after Jenny, only to find herself barraged with questions and constraints. Jenny asks where she went for those five crucial minutes.

Shane: I was smoking.

Jenny: Oh, Shane, I thought we quit!

Shane: You quit. I didn’t quit.

Jenny: Why the f— would you leave me out there to get reamed by the three musketeers?

Now that’s an entirely different episode.

Jenny: Were you in the bathroom f—ing Niki Stevens?

Shane can’t handle the paranoia. She tells Jenny that if she keeps putting her in a box, she’s just going to “act out.” Jenny wonders whether that’s a threat, and so do I – but mostly I just wonder when we can get back to some sex or something fun. Shane says as much, in a different way.

Shane: I’m truly sorry. I didn’t mean that. You’re my dear, darling friend, and I’m sorry, and we’ve been friends way before any of this s— happened.

Jenny: You’re my best friend.

Shane: And I gotta say, if I had to choose today between this relationship and our friendship, I’d have to choose the friendship.

Jenny: Uh-huh. The only thing that’s gonna get in the way of our friendship is if something gets in the way of our romantic relationship.

Ah. I see. Is that sort of like saying, “You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave?” Welcome to the Hotel Schecter, Shane. Such a lovely place.

Slightly less quiet – Dylan and Helena are still going at it, this time with some music in the background. It seems to be going well – it’s still incredibly sexy – but Helena starts to cry. Dylan stops to ask what’s wrong.

Helena: I’m scared.

Dylan: I know. Me too.

They intertwine their fingers and try to hang on.

Back at the Hit club, Jamie, Alice and Tasha spin and smile and slide across the dance floor, while a worried Shane, a lost Jenny and a curious Niki wait for the next collision.

Next time on The L Word: A baby shower, an iPhone and a big ol’ mess.

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button