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“The Fosters” recap (3.9): For never was a story of more woe

Previously on The Fosters, Brandon got kicked out of Idyllwild, then welcomed back and is still in the running to being America’s Next Top Pianist/Composer. Mariana wanted to have sex with Mat, he said no thanks, she got drunk and had sex with a hair model and broke up with Mat. Callie was all set to be adopted until the writers realized they are totally a one trick pony show and decided to yank her around again while dangling the eyeball gouging possibility of Brallie for the third, count ’em third, season in a row. Jude was actual perfection. Carmen claimed that Rita smacked her when everyone knows it was evil newcomer Brooke Cullen, vampire and all around terrible human. Monte kissed Lena and Lena decided that she wouldn’t tell Stef in spite of it being the dumbest move in the history of marriage. (Lena, sweetheart, anyone who ever watched any television show ever knows that this is a stupid move. Stop sabotaging your marriage and tell your wife.) Meanwhile, Stef has her head so far up her plumbing about leaking pipes and catching the guy who put her kids in the hospital that she isn’t even paying attention to Rome burning. And that’s what you missed on As the Adams Fosters Turns.

At Girls United where Callie is staying (in spite of having a father with a perfectly lovely home not full of people who want to beat her ass) the ladies are all participating in group. Callie calls BS on Rita punching Carmen and wants to know what Brooke has on her. Brooke twirls her mustache and pets the white cat on her lap and says, “Mwahahaha, wouldn’t you love to know?” Carmen sticks to her dumb story but nobody’s buying it.

Stef has a theory. She’s so excited about her shiny, new theory she is practically vibrating with excitement when she shows the security footage to Mike. Look it’s Joe Olson, white boy with a cut over his eye. He didn’t hit the twins but he has a friend who did and that’s why he’s in the pharmacy. Stef jumps up and down and expects to be handed a cookie for her hard work. Mike gives Lena a look that says “I’m glad she’s your problem now,” and tells Stef she has an interesting theory. AJ swoop in all packed and ready to go to give Mike a much-needed out.

Mariana, reformed attention seeker and all around awesome kid, comes in a declares that it is terrible that all her brothers and sisters are never around. Being the only kid at home with two moms who can’t communicate for shit really sucks. I love how much Mariana has grown on this show; she is really the best. Lena gets off the phone and reports that the social worker wasn’t convinced by Callie and Brandon’s stories about how they never, ever, ever, violated that restraining order.

Brooke skulks into Callie room and flashes some seriously menacing dance moves I think she learned from West Side Story. She’s a Jet and Callie’s a Shark, you dig? Callie better get a move on or her boyfriend will cut her face. Not so pretty or witty or gay.

Tony and Brandon bicker over who gets how much practice time with Jin. They haggle until the teacher calls Brandon forward. He encourages Brandon to have a big ego because he is exceptional and he might just win this competition. Don’t you say things!

Callie would like Stef to describe the exact inconsistencies in her story. She whips out a notebook but Stef won’t bite. Kiara and Daphne will back her up but Stef is worried about Carmen. Callie, ever the loyal sort, is more worried about Rita. This is a wonderful trait, Callie but you do tend to muck things up for yourself when you decide to rescue everyone else. You kind of have a saving people thing, you know? Stef thinks they are going to have Callie all adopted by the end of next week which shows she doesn’t watch TV either.

Inappropriate Jenna is back and she is dishing all about her sex life with Monte. Mariana is totally grossed out picturing Jenna and her principal scissoring. Lena chops vegetables and tries not to fixate too much on Jenna talking about Monte’s boobs. Jenna wants to know if Monte is in love with her because she’s not very chatty. Lena wouldn’t know about that since she has spent the last year only speaking to Monte. Brandon bops in and asks for a room at Idyllwild so he can get ready for the big performance. Jenna has a brilliant idea, why doesn’t she borrow her buddy’s cabin so Brandon has a place to crash and then they can have a big awkward couples weekend. It will be just like that time on The L Word when everyone went to Whistler. Wait, or that time they all went on the boat. Er, maybe the time they went to Dinah Shore? Dammit! Nothing good ever happens on “couples weekends.” Seriously, people, watch TV!

Callie takes out the garbage and nearly gets run down by Brooke’s boyfriend in his muscle car. He hops out and chases Callie to the house and she slams the gate in his face. Brooke tells her that if she doesn’t watch it he will get her next time. She’s like Dr. Evil levels of absurd villain. Daphne and Kiara tell Callie to get the hell out of there.

AJ stops by the see his grandmother who has had a stroke. She wakes up and recognizes him. While she’s telling Mike to take good care of AJ, Ty walks in. AJ tries to talk to Ty but no, AJ made his choice to live with Mike instead of running off with Ty. Ty wants nothing to do with him so he stalks off and hops in a car with-you guessed it-Joe Olson! Everyone who said Ty was the driver six episodes ago can have a cookie. Mike steals the pen from the sign-in book because he watches SVU and knows he can get prints off of it!

Miss Marple has figured out why Carmen wants her high school diploma all of a sudden. She stole Brooke’s drugs and will get in trouble if she tests positive. Carmen can’t join the army if she tests positive so she has to keep Brooke’s secret about both the drugs and punching her in the face. If Callie tells to save Rita, Carmen will tell all about her rendezvous with Brandon. Third verse same as the first. Callie’s not getting adopted.

Brandon is frustrated because Jin isn’t getting the emotional complexity of his piece. Truly, who can understand the deep, swirling, emotions of such a complex soul a Brandon Foster? Jin asks him to explain it but Brandon gets mad, kicks him out, and then throws a couple of music stands. It’s pretty metal. Mat walks in and says, “You poor, tortured artist, the world bleeds for you.” Ha ha. Nope. Mat is like, “Dude, pull it together and stop acting like a toddler.” I love Mat.

In a thoroughly shocking turn of events Lena and Monte will be spending most of the evening alone with twelve bottles of wine and chemistry that could power Manhattan. What could possibly go wrong?

Back in toddler town, Brandon can’t believe how the world is so stacked against him. Mat tells him to quit bitching and dig in or give up. Brandon has never been spoken to like this before and doesn’t understand why Mat isn’t indulging in this glorious pity party. Mat says, play the damn thing yourself, dude and if you need help just ask.

Callie knows if Carmen rats her out she will never get adopted (or at least not until next season when we need more drama). Brooke swoops in like a Death Eater and growls about the mudblood messing up her Slytherin life. Daphne sprays Brooke with the hose and watches her melt into a puddle. Brooke is so bananas she would be too over the top for Rosewood (a town where we buy that Ali is a time traveling wizard who was in three states on the night she died and got saved by Sybil Trelawny and a parrot who gives clues over the phone.)

There’s a beautiful fire in the fire place, a bottle of wine breathes on the coffee table, and two beautiful women are having a romantic evening of good food and conversation. The problem is these women are not a couple. Lena Adams Foster you stop this right now! I have a feeling that Sherri Saum probably could have amazing chemistry with a door knob but she and Annika Marks crackle. The kind of crackle that makes you almost want to root for them. Bad crackle, you two! Monte shares that her feelings for Jenna aren’t exactly the same as Jenna’s despite really enjoying all the lady sex they are having. Maybe she’s not the right woman though. Monte, stop staring longingly at Lena when you say that. Back off! Back off, now! Jenna walks in and sizes up the weirdness pretty quickly.

Things are a mess at home for Lena. A mess. It’s so easy, so tempting to fall into a friendship that crackles a little. The banter is so much easier when you don’t have five kids and a mortgage and a literal stream of poop water coming through your ceiling. There’s not baggage to tug the banter down. It’s light and it flows and it feels just so damn good to laugh about the loony toons Spanish teacher while sipping wine and not being interrupted every five seconds by a kid.

My wife and I found a pair of teenage babysitters and they come and deal with putting our kids to bed once a week so we can have three blissful hours of talking as much as we want without being interrupted because “This bean is weird” or “My sister put her butt in my face” or “I don’t like the shape of these noodles.” Sometimes it’s the most time we get to talk to each other all week. Sometimes we just go to a movie and sit and enjoy being still for two hours. Sometimes we go out to dinner and then sit and have a cup of coffee and plan our next big adventure or just talk and talk and talk.

For three hours every week we get to luxuriate in that crackle, that banter that just feels so damn good. It doesn’t get buried under the stress of buying a house or a kid wetting her bed or not getting enough sleep. It feels good. Half the time I couldn’t tell you what we talk about. It doesn’t matter. It could be the loony toons Spanish teacher and her crooked wig. It could be anything.

With every banana thing going on in the Adams Foster home for Wile E. Coyote shenanigans, It doesn’t surprise me that Lena is reveling in that simple, easy banter. I think at the start she didn’t think she was hurting anyone. She would talk to Monte and then go home to Stef and it wasn’t anything more than finding a new friend you really like and who gets you. And then it got weird and not just because Monte kissed her. It got weird because she traded in talking to Stef for talking to Monte because it felt better. And she still didn’t think she was hurting anyone because it was just a little talking, right?

At Brandon’s performance the next day, Jenna bombs in late and without Monte. They broke up. While someone plays the cello, Stef tells Mike she still has no way to connect Joe Olson to the driver of the truck. Mike covers for the big secret idea he has by talking about how nervous he is for Brandon. Mariana spots Mat in the audience and slowly starts to freak out. Brandon, ever the special snowflake, is the only one to give a speech. He’s there to learn, not to win. So he’s going to play his piece, his way. Nobody puts Brando in the corner, y’all. He plays it, with a little help from a recorded loop because he can’t reach all the keys anymore. Stef and Lena cry some happy tears and hold hands.

After the performance there are hugs all around. Mat tells Mariana he has to hit the road because he only had three quarters of a day there, ten more minutes would be just too much. Brandon tells AJ that he is going to try to be a good foster brother to AJ. What? Is that character growth? For Brandon? Hallelujah our prayers have been answered.

Stef takes Callie aside to tell her that Rita is getting charged by the DA for hitting Carmen. Jenna pulls Stef away to chat and Callie sends Rita the recording of Carmen admitting that Brooke hit her. Callie is the person you want around because she will fall on literally any grenade she can find. Sometimes I think she seeks them out. Callie, you don’t get 150 points for capturing a bomb. Callie looks around at everything she is losing, her moms, Mariana, Brandon, and still sends the recording.

One of the tough things about rooting for Callie is that she makes a lot of bad decisions. Helping Daphne take Tasha back? Not good. Sneaking out of GU to be with Brandon? Stupid. Kissing him at the fundraiser? Eye-rollingly dumb. And because of her stupid decisions she seems to always be getting punished for doing what is right. But mostly she is getting punished in a round about way for some stupid ass thing she did earlier. I’m not saying she deserves any of the heaps of guano hurled her way, but man, if she would top making dumb decisions she wouldn’t have to choose between helping Rita and screwing herself over.

Jenna is in tears and isn’t sure she should be telling Stef why she and Monte broke up. Monte has feelings for someone else, someone name Shmena Shadams Boster. No Jenna, Stef shouldn’t have to hear it from you, she should have heard it from Lena months ago.

Brandon wins the competition and he is going to Disney Hall to perform his piece. Callie and Mariana stick around to watch Brandon so he doesn’t do anything stupid while drinking. Hooray for parental responsibility? Mariana wishes she were anywhere else until Mat walks up and asks to talk to her. He knows he made her feel like second choice when he extended the tour and he wants to spend the rest of the summer with her.

Brandon isn’t drinking, he’s too high on life and soaking in the moment. That moment contains a lot of awkwardness of wanting to make out with your sorta brother and sorta sister. Brallie is the Alison DiLaurentis of San Diego. No matter how many shovels Brallie takes to the back of the head this shit just won’t die. Callie wants to talk about AJ, but Brandon doesn’t care who she dates and denies skulking around Girls United the other night. That would be weird and creepy, right? Kind of like kissing your sister.

Mat and Mariana have found a room at the cabin and are making out. He didn’t want to have sex before because he is a virgin and he wanted it all to be special. He wanted them to have sex for the first time together. Whoops. Well, Mariana tells him she slept with someone else while they were together.

Mike hands over the pen Ty used to a detective buddy of his. It’s in a plastic bag with the case number on it. That’s going to be awkward when Mike has to arrest Ty.

Lena pops home and finds Stef on the couch with a face like thunder. Really sad, really hurt thunder. Stef asks if Lena is having an affair with Monte. Lena says no. What about when you and Monte kissed? What about then? Stef looks like hell. This scene made my heart hurt. Lena said the kiss was nothing. It meant nothing. But if it was nothing how come you’ve been keeping it to yourself and freaking out at Stef any time she forgets to tell you she took the garbage out? Oh, these two! Put them together on my television screen more. Teri Polo is masterful at these heartbreaking scenes. She finds that line between Stef trying to be strong and completely falling apart and she plays that line like the string of a violin. She just kills me.

This is the brutal payoff for all that stuff I said about the banter. Lena didn’t think it was a big deal-she told herself it wasn’t, because no one was getting hurt. It was just a little harmless work flirtation, nothing more. But here’s her wife sitting across from her just weeping. They keep burying everything under another layer of plumbing, kid drama, hit-and-runs, adoptions that might or might not happen, and here they are realizing that all that talking was something more. Lena pulled away and then called foul any time Stef did too, and now here they are and all that “harmless” fun is causing real pain. I’m not sure Lena really knew how hurt Stef was going to be until right now. I think she didn’t want to know so she pretended it was all nothing so she wouldn’t have to tell her. You better fix this, Lena. You better fix this right now.

Back at the cabin, Brandon and Callie take their spots in front of the fire (please ignore the absurdity of allowing two teens who are not allowed to live under the same roof right now to be alone in a cabin together overnight). Callie tells Brandon that she sent Rita the recording of Carmen admitting that Rita didn’t hit her. Brandon thinks that’s good until Callie tells him that Carmen can pull everything apart because she knows about Callie and Brandon sneaking around like a bunch of-well, a bunch of teenagers. Brandon says he doesn’t care about what happens to him, he cares about what is going to happen to Callie. Callie says she can live with Robert. Nothing else was meant to be, apparently. He was outside, GU, he says. It was him. They sit with that for a minute and then they decide to go to bed in their own rooms. Good. About time you guys made a different choice. They show both of them lying in bed unable to sleep. And then, in the middle of the night they show Brandon come into Callie’s room and we see them hooking up. I sure do wish they would give us a Stef and Lena sex scene that was half as long as the ones they give to the teenagers. ‘Murica, where it’s more acceptable to show straight teen siblings doing it than married lesbians.

Here are a few of our favorite #GaydyBunch tweets from last night.

Next week: the finale!

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