Diary of an “L Word” Marathon

The cast of The L Word

In honor of the release of The L Word on DVD, our intrepid L Word recapper attempts to watch a marathon session of the first season–and gives you a front-row seat to her harrowing, hilarious, and heartbreaking experience.

Warning: Do not try this at home. Writer is now on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

The Warm-up

7:02 p.m.: I arrive home with provisions: Thai food, salt and vinegar chips, vodka, olives, chocolate, Red Bull, and Newcastle. Oh, simmer down — it’s not like I’m not going to mix them all together. Okay, maybe some of them. Maybe the olives and chocolate.

7:18 p.m.: While reheating my dinner, I open the DVD package. The plastic sleeve thing seems completely unnecessary. I try to put it back on the box in a way that will blot Jenny out of the picture, or make her suddenly gain some weight and lose some narcissism. I do not succeed.

7:23 p.m.: I press play. I laugh, because the first “L” word in the little menu thingie is “limber.” I mean, really? And there’s that damn boop-de-boop theme music again. It’s a bit longer, and sounds kinda sinister. And so much pink everywhere!

The little woman-symbol selector thingie is kinda cute, or maybe kinda lame. I check out the audio options. Why are Shane and Dana looking so “yeah, baby” on this screen? Is the audio especially sexy somehow? “Listen to this, you sexy thang.”

7:25 p.m.: Oh, more pink and more out-of-context photos. I can choose play, main, scenes, summary, and commentary on/off. I start with “play” and “off.”

The Pilot

Okay, the sound quality is better. I suspect I will cling to this fact.

7:35 p.m.: I don’t understand how it’s possible, but Jennifer Beals actually looks better than ever. And Leisha is…well, even more deleishous, and I feel like I’m seeing Dana’s lovely eyes for the first time. It’s also possible that none of this is true and I just really miss this stupid show.

7:40 p.m.: Tina has a little mole or freckle on her face, or something I hadn’t seen before. No, I don’t mean the obvious one; there’s another one. Perhaps she’s been snacking and it’s just a crumb.

7:41 p.m.: Look how much better Jenny looks in fast-forward!

7:51 p.m.: Jenny kinda has nice teeth. No, I did not just say that.

7:53 p.m.: It’s time for my first Pam Grier dance of the evening. Forget drinking games: I’m going to copyright the Pam Grier dancing game.

8:04 p.m.: I was wrong about Jenny’s teeth. The Rose Troche close-ups make them scary.

8:11 p.m.: Kit and Bette. Have I mentioned that I love to see them on the screen together? No, not in a gross way: they capture the sister thing perfectly. And Jennifer Beals’ gorgeousness is not the only thing that’s heightened on DVD: her mad acting skills rock my little TV room.

8:13 p.m.: La la la la la la la la la la fast-forward through Tim/Jenny sex.

8:19 p.m.: I realize that I’m going to miss Marina a little. Maybe not later-in-the-season Marina, but pilot Marina.

8:46 p.m.: Apparently I zoned out for a bit there.

8:48 p.m.: Um…those kisses between Bette and Tina. They’re kinda okay. *pant* Rewind. And again.

8:59 p.m.: The episode is over and I’m back to the very pink menu. Okay, it’s time to watch the pilot commentary. But first, snacks. And before that, a few yoga poses: it’s gonna be a long night.

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