In honor of the release of The L Word on DVD, our intrepid L Word recapper attempts to watch a marathon session of the first season–and gives you a front-row seat to her harrowing, hilarious, and heartbreaking experience.
Warning: Do not try this at home. Writer is now on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
7:02 p.m.: I arrive home with provisions: Thai food, salt and vinegar chips, vodka, olives, chocolate, Red Bull, and Newcastle. Oh, simmer down – it’s not like I’m not going to mix them all together. Okay, maybe some of them. Maybe the olives and chocolate.
7:18 p.m.: While reheating my dinner, I open the DVD package. The plastic sleeve thing seems completely unnecessary. I try to put it back on the box in a way that will blot Jenny out of the picture, or make her suddenly gain some weight and lose some narcissism. I do not succeed.
7:23 p.m.: I press play. I laugh, because the first “L” word in the little menu thingie is “limber.” I mean, really? And there’s that damn boop-de-boop theme music again. It’s a bit longer, and sounds kinda sinister. And so much pink everywhere!
The little woman-symbol selector thingie is kinda cute, or maybe kinda lame. I check out the audio options. Why are Shane and Dana looking so “yeah, baby” on this screen? Is the audio especially sexy somehow? “Listen to this, you sexy thang.”
7:25 p.m.: Oh, more pink and more out-of-context photos. I can choose play, main, scenes, summary, and commentary on/off. I start with “play” and “off.”
Okay, the sound quality is better. I suspect I will cling to this fact.
7:35 p.m.: I don’t understand how it’s possible, but Jennifer Beals actually looks better than ever. And Leisha is…well, even more deleishous, and I feel like I’m seeing Dana’s lovely eyes for the first time. It’s also possible that none of this is true and I just really miss this stupid show.
7:40 p.m.: Tina has a little mole or freckle on her face, or something I hadn’t seen before. No, I don’t mean the obvious one; there’s another one. Perhaps she’s been snacking and it’s just a crumb.
7:41 p.m.: Look how much better Jenny looks in fast-forward!
7:51 p.m.: Jenny kinda has nice teeth. No, I did not just say that.
7:53 p.m.: It’s time for my first Pam Grier dance of the evening. Forget drinking games: I’m going to copyright the Pam Grier dancing game.
8:04 p.m.: I was wrong about Jenny’s teeth. The Rose Troche close-ups make them scary.
8:11 p.m.: Kit and Bette. Have I mentioned that I love to see them on the screen together? No, not in a gross way: they capture the sister thing perfectly. And Jennifer Beals’ gorgeousness is not the only thing that’s heightened on DVD: her mad acting skills rock my little TV room.
8:13 p.m.: La la la la la la la la la la fast-forward through Tim/Jenny sex.
8:19 p.m.: I realize that I’m going to miss Marina a little. Maybe not later-in-the-season Marina, but pilot Marina.
8:46 p.m.: Apparently I zoned out for a bit there.
8:48 p.m.: Um…those kisses between Bette and Tina. They’re kinda okay. *pant* Rewind. And again.
8:59 p.m.: The episode is over and I’m back to the very pink menu. Okay, it’s time to watch the pilot commentary. But first, snacks. And before that, a few yoga poses: it’s gonna be a long night.
9:18 p.m.: Apparently Jennifer Beals knew, early on, that Bette is the Alpha. And also very romantic. Rrrrowr.
9:20 p.m.: Ilene Chaiken is a dork, in that way that the New Yorker described as “a deep down dorkiness that becomes a sort of blessedness.” Or so she seems on the commentary.
9:31 p.m.: Chaiken tells me that to a writer, “everything is fair game.” Really? Okay, then this is fair game: the predominance of hetero sex scenes? Just wrong. Annoying. Ridiculous. Uninteresting. Gross. The End.
9:34 p.m.: Chaiken understands that DeLeishous has impeccable comedic timing. Yeah, and isn’t she cute?
9:36 p.m.: Apparently there was a bonding test between Jennifer Beals and Laurel Holloman. They passed.
9:40 p.m.: It seems the local residents were very excited to see Pam Grier in Hollywood. All hail the queen! And Jennifer Beals says she’s “learned so much just being around her” (meaning Pam). And Chaiken realized there was a big connection between Jennifer and Pam. Oh, and Jennifer thinks Erin Daniels is “so funny.” Commentary is so very enlightening, don’tcha think?
9:49 p.m.: As Marina and Jenny make out in the bathroom, Jennifer Beals says, “See where reading gets you?” I chortle and almost spill my martini.
9:55 p.m.: Shane is the universal cool. Yeah, we get it. Sort of. Except for the hair.
10:07 p.m.: They talk about scenes that were cut. You know what would have been great? If, instead of talking about them, you had actually included the deleted scenes in the box set.
10:10 p.m.: Break time: my cat wants a treat, and I just want a break. It’s not wise to mess with such things.
10:18 p.m.: Jennifer Beals says (in reference to Jenny watching Marina leave the grocery store), “Sometimes a fine bum is just a fine bum.” Yeah! But Jennifer, stop making me love you more than I love Bette: that’s not fair.
10:38 p.m.: Chaiken asks Jennifer a question about Bette’s motivation; Jennifer says, “Gosh, I don’t even remember: I’m just looking at my cute pants.” You and me both, baby.
10:52 p.m.: Jennifer Beals makes little Scooby-Doo “ruh-roh” sounds. Too.Much.Cuteness.
10:55 p.m.: Chaiken doesn’t know the title of the movie in which Anne Heche and Joan Chen had sex (it’s Wild Side). Deduct 80 points from her lesbian street cred.
11:00 p.m.: What?! Apparently after that great Bette/Tina sex scene, there was originally supposed to be a moment of connection, where Bette said “I miss you.” Well, thanks for cutting out the best stuff.
11:01 p.m.: Fuck, do I still have 4 DVDs left? I’m not even done with the first one. Break out the Red Bull!
11:28 p.m.: Lara! Oh, the sorrow. Why am I putting myself through this again?
11:29 p.m.: Jenny’s writing! Oh, the horror. Why am I putting myself through this again? Press that >> button.
11:34 p.m.: Bette can ascertain my disposition anytime.
11:57 p.m.: The Dana/Lara locker room kiss. Re re re re re re wind.
11:58 p.m.: The Alice/Gabby “I like your boots” kiss. Yum. Leisha’s hands. I check my own hands to confirm that my ring finger is still longer than my index finger. Perhaps it has actually grown, thanks to this show.
12:08 a.m.: Marina asks Jenny if she wants some coffee. I contemplate making some, despite the Red Bull in my hand. I’m a big coffee drinker.
12:45 a.m.: Bette’s Stendhal syndrome moment gives me a mini-moment of my own. It’s worth the price of the entire season.
12:56 a.m.: My cat has something on one of her eyebrow whiskers. I try to help her and almost miss the exciting fact that I have finished the first disc!
Disc Two
1:11 a.m.: I watch most of this disc on fast-forward, to match the Red Bull-ized speed of my brain. I slow down for Bette’s “havin’ my baby” face, and the Lara/Dana stuff. Oh, and Peggy Peabody! And Kit. I will always brake for Kit.
1:21 a.m.: I speed forward even faster as Jenny’s words start to spill all over the screen.
2:05 a.m.: I dozed off. I started to have a nightmare about Jenny, so I’m wide awake now.
2:10 a.m.: Would it be bad to have another martini? Tonight my L word is “libation.”
2:25 a.m.: Something weird is happening with Tina’s book: from her perspective, she’s just begun reading it, but from Bette’s perspective she’s almost done with it. No, I don’t think I can blame this on my martini. But the way Bette says “slurpee” does make me kinda woozy.
2:29 a.m.: Jenny’s tripping. Here eyes are all glazed, and so are mine, but not from shrooms. Well, the olives in my glass do look kinda weird, so anything’s possible…
2:40 a.m.: As I spin through the Dana/Lara poker night sex scene, it occurs to me that Lara may be an exhibitionist. All the more reason for her to come back in season 2: sex on the tennis court! Okay, maybe only if it’s grass. Or clay, but that sounds messy.
2:51 a.m.: Speaking of messy, salt and vinegar chips are not kind to laptop keyboards.
3:10 a.m.: Dana and Lara break up. Dear Showtime: please issue a second box set, to be known as the “Happy Gay Lady Edition.” No Dana/Lara breakup, no horrendous Bette/Tina fight, and no penises as far as the eye can see.
More fast-forwarding. Selective scene-watching is the way to go.
I stare out the window for a while before pressing play, to make sure there’s still a world out there and that Jenny’s words aren’t scrawled all over it.
3:39 a.m.: I make a mental note to do a screen capture of the empty therapy chair (where Bette says “Pass”) so I can use it as wallpaper on my laptop. This is the sort of thing that strikes you as rather deep just at this time of night/morning.
3:49 a.m.: Alice does her puppet hands in the mirror and I fall in love all over again. I vow to be true to her next season, no matter how many times Bette shows us her lip-quivery orgasm face.
3:58 a.m.: I punch too many buttons on my remote and end up watching that mish-mosh of pink L words again ? the one on the first menu screen. One of the L words is “lunch.” Chomp!
4:00 a.m.: Good morning. Jesus Is In Me. This is definitely not a Stendhal moment for me.
4:01 a.m.: Dana comes out to her cat. My cat is crashed on the couch next to me, wondering why the hell we didn’t get to sleep in the bed tonight.
4:03 a.m.: I decide that the Jesus-fucking piece borders on the profound. Have my artistic sensibilities evolved, or has the right hemisphere of my brain slipped into a coma?
4:06 a.m.: Shoop shoop a snoop dogg.
4:09 a.m.: I clean my glasses in order to see Shane’s glasses a bit more clearly. Also, is it me, or is Rosanna Arquette a sort of 40-something version of Sarah Michelle Gellar? Perhaps Sarah is a 20-something version of Rosanna.
4:14 a.m.: I need sustenance. Is it a second dinner? An early breakfast? Both: it’s dinkfast.
4:33 a.m.: Candace. I’m awake, I’m awake! Check out Bette checking her out. She does it about 3 times ? or else I’ve lost the ability to process things in real time. Perhaps a Red Bull breakfast would have been prudent.
4:40 a.m.: The Dana/Jenny incredibly awkward near-sex scene. I cover my eyes and giggle all over again. It really is all the more vivid on DVD, and I have to give Mia some props for the weird line delivery: “Do you want juice.” She says it like she’s saying “I have crabs.”
4:46 a.m.: I sing “Closer To Fine” at the top of my lungs along with our heroines as they head for the Dinah Shore weekend. I hadn’t noticed how much Dana giggles at Alice’s little musical embellishments. They’re made for each other! And that bass player in Alice’s coming-out flashback is made for me. Not as much as Alice is, of course.
4:51 a.m.: Toxic Tonya is even more toxic at this hour. Aww, and Alice is jealous. I start to try to peel my eyes open so I can look for Guin Turner in the Dinah Shore crowd.
4:57 a.m.: Forget about spotting Guin Turner: I can barely recognize the regular characters. Everything is a big blur of lesbian-ness.
5:12 a.m.: Disc three is done. I do a little Dinah Shore dance.
5:20 a.m.: Yes, I know I’ve skipped over the fourth disc. I decided to watch the extras first, as a sort of break before the final push.
But guess what? There are no extras. Yeah, there’s a big list of things, but most of them are stupid or boring, and most of them have been available in various forms for a while now. The puppet movie is kinda funny, I guess, but it’s hard to enjoy something like that when you’ve been told you’re gonna get deleted scenes and bloopers. What a rip-off.
5:29 a.m.: Giddy with the lack of sleep, I contemplate getting a manatee tattoo.
5:30 a.m.: Watch Jenny salt her food in fast motion! Shake shake shake!
5:31 a.m.: The drag kings rock, especially Ivan. I should have started with this disc. Next season maybe some of the drag kings from that documentary Venus Boyz will be guest-bians.
5:36 a.m.: Mr. Piddles swishes his tail in fast-forwarded annoyance at Toxic Tonya. That’s the blooper reel we should have seen: Toxic Tonya spinning around, screaming, with Mr. P on her head, his claws dug in nice and deep. Who knew exhaustion would make me so violent?
5:41 a.m.: Prison scenes. How many weeks have I been looking forward to the promised deleted prison scenes? I may weep.
5:42 a.m.: La la la la la la la la la la la I can’t hear you, Jenny and the beluga whales.
5:43 a.m.: I start to compose a song called “The Prison Cell Wall.” The first verse goes something like “Oh, we played an alphabet game, and then you called my name… and around that spot on the wall I will put a frame…” Yeah, it’s lame.
5:50 a.m.: Ah, the sweet strains of Portishead, and the DVD-quality view of Bette and Candace making out. I refuse to feel guilty about this.
5:57 a.m.: No! Mr. P.!
5:58 a.m.: No! The engagement announcement!
5:59 a.m.: Yes! Ivan and Kit!
6:00 a.m.: Yes! Bette and Candace against the office wall!
6:04 a.m.: Ivan serenades me. Yes, it’s all for me.
6:07 a.m.: Just when I thought I couldn’t press the fast-forward button any harder, we get to The Scene. I still can’t watch.
6:08 a.m.: Oooooh, Dana and Alice. Dana says “It’s four a.m.,” and I cackle deliriously. I watch them a few times, then skip the rest and put myself to bed, dreaming of bloopers and deleted scenes. And Mr. P.
