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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (6.07): We didn’t start the fire

Previously on Rizzoli & Isles: Cousin Carlo comes to visit. Jane and Maura flirt over fried dough. And we all scream “NOW KISS!” at them.

Whenever someone’s dog runs off a hiking trail on TV, one of two things are bound to happen. Either, one, that person is about to be dead. Or, two, that person is gonna find a dead person. In this case, hiking lady’s golden lab finds a dead young woman in a cage. It’s terrible, but I think that dog deserves a biscuit.

Speaking of biscuits, Jane saunters up to Maura in the kitchen like she already had her “biscuit” earlier that morning. You know “biscuit” means sex, right? At this point, I’m not even sure why the writers continue the charade of these two living separately. No one is at a friend’s house this much first thing in the morning. Unless, of course, they are sleeping with said friend.

Maura looks over and notices some fuzz on Jane’s shoulder. Naturally, she reaches over to pick it off. Because that’s what living creatures who love each other do — groom each other. Cats. Monkeys. Girlfriends.

Jane swats her away, because there’s always a grumpy cat/monkey/girlfriend in the colony. Maura’s eyes get big, but then narrow because the best revenge is getting even/having a girlfriend without linty clothing. She goes to the drawer and whips out a lint roller and brandishes it at Jane like they’re about to start a fencing match.

Jane’s all, never take a knife to a gunfight. But Maura is undeterred and lunges at her lady. Then they chase each other around the kitchen like we’re in a Katherine Heigl romantic comedy from the mid 2000s.

Mama Rizzoli comes in and breaks up the flirty swordplay. Notice how she is completely unfazed walking in on Jane and Maura doing all manner of coupley things. Come on, you two, mama knows. At this point you’re only fooling yourselves.

Maura rats out Jane’s fuzzy clothing and Mama R takes over and demands Jane’s coat like the good mother hen she is. As Jane takes off her jacket she lets out a low growl, like when you try to brush your cat against her will and she wants to make it abundantly clear she hates it but still loves you enough not to scratch your eyes out right now.

As Jane disrobes, Maura makes sure to sneak a peek at her lady’s ladies. Yep, we saw that little eyebrow raise. Someone likes what she sees and sees what she likes.

Mama R and Maura puzzle over what the offending substance all over Jane’s jacket could be. So Jane confesses it is from her couch, because the duct tape came off and the stuffing is spilling out. Maura does not control her face well because it clearly says, “How am I dating this woman? How?”

But the revelatory horrors only continue as Jane tells them her couch has a hole in it. Jane tries to change the subject to her second-favorite subject, food. But Maura remains undeterred trying to drill down to exactly how she could be in a relationship with a person whose couch has a hole that is being patched with duct tape.

She also asks, “How have I not noticed it?” Oh, Maura, sweetie — it’s because you’re always at your place. We all know Jane’s place is just a glorified storage closet at this point. We all know that.

Jane tells them Jo Friday ate the hole into her couch, and then explains how the writers conveniently disposed of her as a character. Considering how much time is spent at Maura’s place instead of Jane’s, it only makes sense. Otherwise we’d have to draw up animal cruelty charges against the good detective. I mean, why haven’t we seen Jo Friday in pretty much two full seasons. Like seriously, last time we saw her Jane was having bad dreams on that very same holey couch.

Jo Friday is back with her owners, thanks to Korsak. Her name is also Addie. Mama R knows this because, like any good grandma, she still Skypes with her furry grandbaby. Aw, Jo/Addie, we’ll miss your little furry face. But you’re in discarded recurring character heaven now with Rondo, Bass and Susie. Be good to each other.

Jane attempts to change the subject to a horny fruit. Oh, honey, there are already two big horny fruits in the room already. But Maura knows herself and will not be distracted with lesser fruits. She continues to press her girlfriend on the couch situation. Why does she still own this couch? Why has she not replaced her couch?

I’m going to assume this is a subtle way of forcing Jane to realize how little she actually uses her couch and how little she actually stays at her own place. Never in my life have I met a lesbian so resistant to U-Hauling. Plus, if you finally just went ahead and moved in together it would eliminate the need for the office to keep calling you in separately on the same case.

On the way to the scene Maura keeps chewing her girlfriend out about her couch while Jane is simultaneously getting chewed up by mosquitoes. We also establish that Maura may not be human and/or is not very tasty to the irritating insects. The sight of the dead teen in the cage fills Jane with her own animal instinct for justice. I mean, she is wearing the ponytail.

But never mind about that because it’s time for this week’s wacky familial subplot. This time it involves Frankie who lets slip to Nina that he saw a UFO as a kid. Sure, little green men, I get it — trying to distract us from the fact that no one has mentioned the violent murder of a beloved colleague even once since it happened.

But, I mean it, is Senior Criminalist Susie Chang’s death ever going to get mentioned again? Now that actress Tina Huang has revealed that it was a creative decision by the writers and not necessarily her choice to leave the show, you’d think we would start to see why in the storylines. But instead everyone is happily eating zeppole on holey couches like it never even happened.

Speaking of inanimate furniture that is getting more airtime than dead former criminalists, Maura hands Jane a file to look at. It’s filled with fabric swatches for a new couch. Look how pleased Maura is with herself. She really thinks this couch issue may finally be the thing to get Jane to move in with her.

Jane sputters out some excuse about not wanting to replace an old friend with a new old friend. Oh, dear — did Jane just call Maura old? Maybe she should accept that couch after all, because she is going to be sleeping on it for a few nights.

On the case we’re barely interested in, the killer practiced his technique on a squirrel, raccoon and dog before graduating to humans. So sic PETA on his ass and let Jane and Maura go couch shopping already.

Jane shuffles into Maura’s office all hangdog and frustrated about the case. So Maura diverts her attention to what really matters — couch colors. She throws on a beautiful purple shawl and starts hinting heavily about the hue. Jane agrees, it looks fantastic, on Maura. Aw, Jane knows what colors she likes on her girlfriend. I bet her favorite fabric on Maura is leather.

Late that day Maura gets a visit from an old med school colleague. He is all twitchy and weird about the case and a possible suspect. So say hello to Red Herring No. 1. But Jane soon figures out it is probably one of his clients. They concoct an elaborate scheme to get past the doctor-patient privilege.

Speaking of elaborate schemes, Maura’s scheme to trick Jane into refusing her couch and moving in is going swimmingly. Jane is on full alert, even when Maura doesn’t bring it up directly. But the best part is how Maura has recruited Mama R into her plan. She calls an unsuspecting Jane over for some help, i.e. to pick a favorite color swatch disguised as a cake napkin.

Jane whines about the “obligation” she would feel if Maura got her a couch. Do you mean “commitment,” Janey? Mama R tells her to suck it up and be a woman about loving a woman. But Jane keeps deflecting and calls Maura on the spot to discuss hypothetical spot removal.

Their coupley cuteness is interrupted by something about the case, or whatever. Maura’s doc friend calls to have them meet him in his office. But when they arrive he is very much dead. They hear something coming from the closet. And finally we get the scene we’ve all been waiting for — Jane getting ready to blast the hell out of the closet.

Alas, all they find inside is a blood-covered teenager. The team suspects him right away, probably because he looks like a snot-nose little know-it-all. And his fingerprints on the knife prove that out right.

In questioning, the kid tells them he killed the doctor because he was being molested by him. And then he looks up with a shit-eating grin at Jane. Too bad Jane’s death stare can’t bore a hole through that glass, Superman style.

While Korsak convinces the doctor’s receptionist to look though the paperwork for intentionally misplaced files of the suspect, Frankie and Nina continue to flirt. Already replaced Susie as your office crush, haven’t you Francesco? The feeling must be mutual because Nina has a surprise gift for him. All the ladies are trying to woo the Rizzolis with presents this week, be it a couch or a telescope.

As Jane heads for the parking garage she runs into the Devil Teen who is riding his bike through the darkness like a creepy creeper. Wait, is the public allowed in the police garage? Isn’t it past his curfew? Also, aren’t there cameras in the garage that could record this interaction? Sorry, sorry — sometimes my logic kicks in while watching this show. Normally I can beat it into submission, but every now and then it rebels.

Meanwhile, Maura and Korsak go through his formerly lost files. In one he waxes poetic about the joy of fire. In another he describes the murder of the girl. Jane and Korsak then try to figure out how to bust him. But instead Jane notices another blonde detective at the elevator. No gift couch for you and your wandering eye if Maura finds out.

Jane goes to see the suspect’s mom, and talks loudly in earshot of the Devil Teen about putting him away. She agrees to help Jane and goes to the police station with her. Hey, her hair looks kind of familiar.

Next we see Jane walking someone with similar curly blonde hair to her car, and then leaving her alone to pick something up. As if on cue Devil Teen shows up and then tries to inject his mom with the same euthanizing drugs. But, got ya, it’s not his mom it’s the detective. Boo-yah. Damn, teenagers really are the worst.

So, now that that little subplot is finished with we can resolve this week’s main mystery. What couch did Maura get Jane? Maura says she had to “oil a few hands and tug a few lines” to make it happen. Jane’s continued exasperation at Maura’s inability to grasp common idioms is one of the cuter bits of continuity about this show.

Maura says it is too late to protest, because the couch is on its way. But then Jane gets a call and rushes off because her apartment building is on fire. Wow. No, really, wow. At first I thought it was probably the Devil Teen, what with his love of fire and everything. But then I realized it was totally Maura. When her couch ploy didn’t work, she decided to burn the whole thing down as a way to get Jane to finally commit.

And, if we may break the fourth wall for a bit, can we get a slow clap for the writers? Never before have I seen such an overly complicated ruse concocted to get the two lead characters of a show to live together. Seriously, it’s 2015, do we really need to destroy Jane’s apartment to finally get the inevitable to happen? I can think of so many other simpler storylines that would cause considerably less property damage.

Just then Maura’s movers arrive with Jane’s new couch. It’s a little bit of salt in the wound, but everyone just laughs and laughs because they all know this was just a scheme to get Jane and Maura together anyway. Mission accomplished, team. Mission accomplished.

According to your #Gayzzoli tweets of the week this is the most appreciated fire since Prometheus.

Find more from Dorothy Snarker visit dorothysurrenders.com or @dorothysnarker.

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