Rachel Maddow is no good in the kitchen

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Rhodes Scholar. First out lesbian anchor to host a primetime news program. Fashionista. Undefeated champion of verbal smackdowns. Is there anything Rachel Maddow cannot do?

We searched high and low and near and far. We explored the vast continent known as Wikipedia. We braved undiscovered corners of the jungle known as the blogosphere. Finally, like the religious fanatics who played heavy metal records backward to see if there were any covert messages from Satan, we even read the AfterEllen.com archives and did handstands to read them upside-down to see if there were any hidden messages telling us that Rachel Maddow is mortal. Just as we were convinced that Maddow was not a human being but a cyborg planted on Earth by an advanced civilization from another galaxy to make the rest of us look shabby in comparison, yesterday we had a breakthrough.

You better sit down. We found her Achilles’ heel.

Rachel Maddow cannot cook. The woman is absolutely hopeless in the kitchen.

Rachel Maddow appeared on The Martha Stewart Show yesterday, stepped into the ring with a stove, and the stove won. As Martha cajoled Rachel into making carrot soup, Rachel nervously stepped from side to side with her hands behind her back, told Martha that she doesn’t cook and instead eats food from street carts, and cringed when Martha poured hot chicken broth into a blender as if the chicken broth were a biohazard:

Of course, for 99 percent of those who just watched that clip, her awkwardness in the kitchen makes her even more adorable. (And to the 1 percent who did not find it adorable, get some rest, drink some of that chicken broth, take some NyQuil and you’ll be well again shortly.)

After commercial break, Maddow demonstrated how to make a cherry julep. As you will see below, Maddow’s trademark confidence and commanding wit returned.

Well, now you know: If you were dating Rachel Maddow, you would probably be served Corn Flakes for dinner, but at least you could look forward to chasing it with a fine cocktail from Esquire’s Handbook for Hosts.

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